Cabin Pressure - Fitton.doc

Cabin Pressure 1x06 Fitton(bing-bong)ARTHUR: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, lords and ladies, Your Majesty. This is your captain speaking, Captain, Wing Commander, Sir Arthur Shappey, welcoming you aboard this world-record-attempting flight around. the world. Passengers on both sides of the aircraft should have excellent views of. the world. If you find were going over a bit of the world you like the look of, do please ring your little bell and one of the cabin crew will fit you with a parachute and chuck you out. Otherwise, enjoy the flight and when we get to Sydney, do keep an eye out for the Sydney Harbour bridge, Im gonna have a crack at flying underneath it!CAROLYN: Hey, wing commander! Less yammering, more hoovering!ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum!OPENING CREDITS (by BC 3) - This week, Fitton!(sounds of heavy rain)MARTIN: And theres another leak over here.ARTHUR: Right-o, Martin!(door opens)DOUGLAS: God, the rains horrible outside! .And inside.CAROLYN: Douglas, you are forty-five minutes late!DOUGLAS: Oh dear, how terribly remiss of me! And Mr Goddard is of course so famously punctual. I do hope I havent kept him waiting.CAROLYN: Its a job, Douglas, a job for which you are being paid like any other and I expect you to be on time.DOUGLAS: I am chastened and ashamed. Arthur, tea!ARTHUR: Er, yeah, will do, Douglas, just trying to fix this leak first.DOUGLAS: Oh well, in that case. Arthur, tea?ARTHUR: Wow! Youre making me tea?DOUGLAS: I know, its a topsy-turvy day of misrule, isnt it?ARTHUR: Cracking! Loads of milk and four sugars, please!(rain keeps pattering; ARTHUR hums)ARTHUR: Hey, Douglas, you know when you get something going round and round in your brain?DOUGLAS: Yes, though Im a little surprised you do.ARTHUR: A tune, I mean.DOUGLAS: Ah. Yes.ARTHUR: Well, Ive got one of yours at the moment.DOUGLAS: One of mine?ARTHUR: Yes, something you were singing a few days ago, and Ive only got the one line. How does it go after this? Um. (hums out of tune) Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-aaaah-ah-ah (goes on like this a bit more) How does it go then?DOUGLAS: Well, I hope after that it goes to a vet, and is painlessly put out of its misery.ARTHUR: But whats the next line?DOUGLAS: I have no idea.ARTHUR: Its something you were singing!DOUGLAS: Are you sure youre not thinking of when Martin trapped my hand in the cabin door?ARTHUR: No, no, you were singing it this week. (attempts humming again)DOUGLAS: Well, was it. (singing) Summertime, and the living is easy.ARTHUR: No, it was more like: Ah-ah-ah (etc)DOUGLAS: You do realise every time you do that its completely different?ARTHUR: No, listen: Ah-ah-ah.CAROLYN: Please, Arthur, not again!ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum.(sounds of clicking and banging)MARTIN: Oh, Douglas, I thought of another one this morning.DOUGLAS: Oh yes?CAROLYN: What are you doing this time?DOUGLAS: Books that sound more interesting with the final letter knocked off.CAROLYN: What have you got so far?DOUGLAS: Of Mice and Me and Three Men in a Boa.CAROLYN: Ah, ah: Far from the Madding Crow.DOUGLAS: Oh, very good, well have that, and whats your new one, Martin?MARTIN: (proudly) The Hound of the Baskerville. (pause) Ive taken the s off!DOUGLAS: Almost good. Certainly better than when you took the s off The Mill on the Floss, to make The Mill on the Flos.(sound of banging and even heavier rain)ARTHUR: Aha!CAROLYN: Arthur! Arthur, what have you done?ARTHUR: Im making progress, Ive found the hole where the rains coming in!DOUGLAS: Found it, or made it?ARTHUR: No, it was there before, Ive just made it. easier to see.MARTIN: You mean bigger.ARTHUR: Bigger-ish.DOUGLAS: Oh for heavens sake, its now raining inside the portacabin! Can we please just go into Fitton and wait in a nice coffee shop or something?CAROLYN: No! If Goddard turns up, we have to be ready in twenty minutes, flight plan filed, aircraft checked, ready to go.DOUGLAS: Hes not going to call, we havent heard a peep out of him for twenty-eight days, hes clearly forgotten all about us!CAROLYN: We dont know that. Anyway, standby is the Holy Grail of the airline industry: being paid to fly without any actual flying. No risk of the three of you putting us into bankruptcy, prison or the side of a mountain. God has smiled on us, and if he has chosen as his instrument a lippy telecom millionaire from Bracknell, who are we to argue?MARTIN: Well, if we cannot go into town we could at least go and sit in the plane where its dry.DOUGLAS: Oh, God, do we have to?MARTIN: Well, we can sit in the plane, or we can sit in the rain.DOUGLAS: Cant we sit in the car, or sit in a bar?MARTIN: Douglas!DOUGLAS: Im sorry, I thought we were staging an impromptu tribute to Dr Seuss.(sounds of rain pattering on metal)DOUGLAS: Well, this is much nicer.ARTHUR: How about. a game of charades?ALL: No!ARTHUR: Oh, why not?CAROLYN: Because, dear heart, none of us will soon forget the misery of you spending 25 minutes miming Apocalypse Now, without knowing what an apocalypse was.(long silence)ARTHUR: Ah-ah-ah-aah-ah-ah.DOUGLAS: Oh, oh-oh-oh! Is it. (hum-sings the aria Non pi andrai from The Marriage of Figaro)ARTHUR: No, that doesnt sound anything like what I sang.DOUGLAS: That Im willing to concede.MARTIN: Well, so long as were in the plane with nothing to do, we could always review the standard operating procedures.(DOUGLAS and CAROLYN sigh)CAROLYN: Yes, that will make the day fly by on silver wings.MARTIN: It is a legal requirement, and were here anyway.DOUGLAS: Thats why you were so keen to come out to the plane, isnt it, so you could get us to go through your rotten old ops.MARTIN: Well, since Ive gone to all the trouble of revising them.CAROLYN: Fine, well go through one.MARTIN: No, I dont want to now.CAROLYN: Oh, come on.MARTIN: No.DOUGLAS: Martin, were sorry. Its very good of you to do them. Please take us through one.MARTIN: All right. Ahem. Standard operating procedure. Evacuation in event of smoke or fire in cabin.ARTHUR: Hang on, is-is it okay for me to hear these?MARTIN: Yes, theyre not secret!ARTHUR: Ah. OK, carry on.MARTIN: Set parking brake.DOUGLAS: M-hm.MARTIN: Shut down engines.CAROLYN: Good idea.MARTIN: PA announcement.DOUGLAS: Yup.MARTIN: First officer leaves through the nearest exit.DOUGLAS: You bet he does, and enters nearest bar.MARTIN: Captain dons cap, enters cabin to assist passengers.(CAROLYN and DOUGLAS giggle)MARTIN: What?CAROLYN: (through giggles) Captain does what?MARTIN: Assists passengers. What? Whats so funny?DOUGLAS: No, no, no, before that.MARTIN: Captain dons cap, enters cabin to.(CAROLYN and DOUGLAS laugh openly)DOUGLAS: Dons cap?CAROLYN: Captain dons cap?!DOUGLAS: Oh yeah, you have to don your cap before dealing with a fire!CAROLYN: Otherwise, how will the fire know who the captain is?MARTIN: Its for the passengers!DOUGLAS: The boy stood on the burning deck / Whence all but he had fledCAROLYN: His heart was in his mouth but loo-hoo! / His cap was on his head!MARTIN: Fine, fine, forget it. Forget it! Ill go and sit on the flight deck and review them by myself! (exits, slamming door)(CAROLYN and DOUGLAS continue laughing until they calm down)CAROLYN: Ha-ha-ha, hah, oh, oh dear.DOUGLAS: Ah. Was that a bit.?CAROLYN: Yes, a little bit. Do you think. do you think one of us should.?DOUGLAS: Yes. (exits)ARTHUR: Right, well, just you and me, mum. You know, you can play charades with two people.CAROLYN: No.ARTHUR: OK. Oh, um, dad called this morning.CAROLYN: Ah, I thought he might.ARTHUR: Well, he did.CAROLYN: What did he have to say?ARTHUR: Oh, he asked after you, um, and the plane.CAROLYN: Oh yes, in which order?ARTHUR: Not that order.CAROLYN: No.ARTHUR: And he said to tell you-CAROLYN: Not interested!ARTHUR: Yeah, but he said to tell you-CAROLYN: I know what he said to tell me because he said it every 12th of November for eight years. Not. Interested.ARTHUR: He still made me promise to say it. Sorry.CAROLYN: Go on then, get it over with.ARTHUR: He said to tell you hed like to buy his plane back off you.CAROLYN: Not interested, and its not his plane. Not that it matters, but how much was he offering this time?ARTHUR: A hundred pounds.CAROLYN: A hundred? Well thats just silly. Last year I turned him down for a 125 thousand, why would I give it at 25 grands less?ARTHUR: No, not a hundred thousand pounds, a hundred pounds.CAROLYN: No, dear, no, I didnt pick you up on it because, frankly, lifes too short, but when he said a hundred, he meant a hundred thousand.ARTHUR: No, he didnt.CAROLYN: Arthur, given that in your short life you have caught hold of the wrong end of enough sticks to build an entire wrong end of a forest, what makes you so sure youve got it right this time?ARTHUR: Because he made me write it down.(rustle of paper)ARTHUR: Tell her Yes, he does mean a hundred pounds. Not a hundred grand, one hundred pounds and no pennies. I havent got it wrong, no, write Arthur, Arthur hasnt got it wrong. Phone if you want details.(sounds of rain)DOUGLAS: Er, Martin.MARTIN: What do you want?DOUGLAS: Apologies, Martin, that was very childish of us.MARTIN: Yes, it ruddy well was.DOUGLAS: Yes. Perfectly reasonable emergency procedure.MARTIN: Are you being funny again?DOUGLAS: No, no, I mean it. The hat makes it clear to confused frightened passengers that you are in charge. Absolutely.MARTIN: Exactly.DOUGLAS: Entirely sensible.MARTIN: Its nothing to do with showing off about being the captain!DOUGLAS: No.MARTIN: I mean God knows I could write Captain on my forehead in lipstick and people still wouldnt get it.(DOUGLAS snorts)MARTIN: What, what now?DOUGLAS: No, no, nothing, I mean, not you. I was just, I was just hoping you werent thinking of putting that in the operating procedure.MARTIN: (laughs) What, you mean: First officer leaves through nearest exit. Captain writes CAPTAIN on forehead with lipstick, dons cap, enters cabin?DOUGLAS: In unlikely event of captain nonrecognition, captain doffs cap, gestures to lipstick inscription.(DOUGLAS and MARTIN both laugh)MARTIN: Why do they always think youre the captain, Douglas?DOUGLAS: Oh, thats easy. cause I dont care. Captains dont care. Ive been a first officer, then a captain, then a first officer again. All the same to me. So long as youre happy, who gives a toss how many rings there are on your sleeve? Whereas you always look like you want to be the captain, so people assume you cant be one. Youve got to lose that look.MARTIN: But I have always wanted to be an airline captain.DOUGLAS: Really?MARTIN: Yes, ever since I was six.DOUGLAS: Oh, and before that?MARTIN: I wanted to be an aeroplane.DOUGLAS: I see.MARTIN: Why, what did you want to be?DOUGLAS: Oh, various things at different times. I studied medicine at university.MARTIN: You wanted to be a doctor?DOUGLAS: Well, I wanted to be a medical student. They seemed to have the most fun. Im not sure I ever wanted to be a doctor. Glamorous, but gloopy.(door opens)ARTHUR: Coffee, chaps.DOUGLAS: How about you, Arthur, what do you want to do if you grow up?ARTHUR: Eh?MARTIN: When you were a boy, what did you want to be?ARTHUR: Well, I was a bit like you, actually, Skipper. I always wanted to be a pilot too.DOUGLAS: Good Lord, really?ARTHUR: Yeah. Obviously, that was never gonna happen.MARTIN: Oh well.ARTHUR: Although, actually. When I was seventeen, Mum did get me an interview at the Oxford Aviation Academy, for my birthday. So I- I actually went up and I sat in the hall, and the others started to come in and. I dont know, they all looked like proper pilots, or at least. You know the Muppet babies?DOUGLAS: I fear they may have passed me by.ARTHUR: Well, it was this cartoon with baby versions of Kermit and Miss Piggy and everyone. And these guys looked like Muppet baby versions of, well, you two. Well, anyway.MARTIN: Yes, I know, I know. Of him.ARTHUR: Yeah. And anyway, the woman came out and said Arthur Shappey, youre up and all the Muppet baby pilots looked round to see who he was. So did I. And after a bit, they decided he hadnt turned up and. went to the next guy. So you know, a part of me always wonders what would have happened if Id gone through that door.DOUGLAS: Well I can tell you Arthur theyd have made mincemeat out of you.ARTHUR: Really?DOUGLAS: Absolutely. Youd be a hopeless pilot, theyd have laughed you out of the room.ARTHUR: And youre not just saying that to make me feel better?DOUGLAS: Not at all, you wouldnt have had a cats chance in hell, would he, Martin?MARTIN: Im afraid not.ARTHUR: Aww. You guys are great!MARTIN: There isnt though. After the age of thirty you just dont meet anyone new. Youre on your raft, with your friends, and everyone else is on their raft; sometimes the rafts bump into each other, but theres no. raft-hopping. And Ive managed to get on an all-boys raft.DOUGLAS: Well, what about cabin crew?MARTIN: Um, well, for two very different reasons, Im afraid neither Arthur nor Carolyn quite float my boat.DOUGLAS: Well, theres always weddings. I met all three of my wives at weddings.MARTIN: Really?DOUGLAS: Of course. The third one I met at my wedding, which was a trifle awkward.MARTIN: Yes, I imagine it would be.DOUGLAS: Yeah, my second marriage wasnt my favourite.MARTIN: Which one was?DOUGLAS: Oh, the current Mrs Richardson, hands down. Shes smashing. Look, I got her this, for our anniversary.(unzips bag)MARTIN: I think you may be showing me the wrong bag.DOUGLAS: No, thats the one.MARTIN: Youve got her a bottle of brown sauce. You incorrigible old romantic.DOUGLAS: Ah, but its her favourite brown sauce. Only they changed the recipe in Britain, and now she doesnt like it anymore, but! I did some research, and they still make it with the old recipe in Greece, so last time we were in Thessaloniki, you remember, back when we used to fly planes for a living instead of sit in them, I got her this. Shell love it.MARTIN: Oh, you sod. That actually is romantic.CAROLYN: Arthur, listen carefully.ARTHUR: Uh-oh.CAROLYN: Ive just been talking with your father.ARTHUR: Right.CAROLYN: Hes now offering to buy Gertie for one pound.ARTHUR: Right. And are you thinking of. cause Id probably give you ten.CAROLYN: In exchange for which, he will take Gertie and with her, all of MJNs debts.ARTHUR: Oh.CAROLYN: So. What do you think I should do?(door opens)DOUGLAS: Ah, Carolyn.CAROLYN: What?DOUGLAS: Well, its two hours to dusk and hes clearly not coming, can we have a little snifter?CAROLYN: No, get out!DOUGLAS: Pardonnez-moi.(door closes)CAROLYN: Carry on, Arthur.ARTHUR: Well, what do you want to do?CAROLYN: I want to know what you think.ARTHUR: Really? Are you sure?CAROLYN: Yes! I mean, lets be clear, not in your capacity as astute financial analyst, in your capacity as someone who might one day come into this money, or. lack of money.ARTHUR: Oh. Right. Well, I dont want to. I think you should do whatever you think, but. just-just thinking about myself, I dont know what Id do with money that would be better than getting to go up in the plane all the time with you guys; but thats just me being selfish.(door opens)DOUGLAS: No, she didnt really go for the drinks idea, water it is.(sounds of liquid being poured)MARTIN: So, what is it exactly so special about. I dont even know her name.DOUGLAS: Helena. Oh, I dont know, I mean. shes clever and funny and kind and beautiful and so on and et cetera, you know, the standard specs. But I think if Im honest, what it really comes down to is she thinks Im terrific.MARTIN: Does she?DOUGLAS: Yup, the bees pyjamas, the cats knees, really terrific.MARTIN: And thats enough to make you happy together, is it, your shared belief in the terrificness of you?DOUGLAS: Its not a bad start.MARTIN: But does it make you happy, truly happy?(door opens, enters ARTHUR)DOUGLAS: Oh well come on, no ones truly happy.ARTHUR: Im truly happy!MARTIN: Oh God.DOUGLAS: No, Arthur, you are cheery. No ones interested in the secret of true cheeriness.ARTHUR: But thats not true. Im fairly often just completely happy. Like, for instance, when you get into a bath quickly and its just the right temperature, and you go ooooh. I mean really no one gets any happier than that.MARTIN: What a depressing thought.ARTHUR: No, no, its not though, because those sort of things happen all the time, whereas youre hardly ever, you know, blissfully happy with the love of your life in the moonlight, and when you are, youre too busy worrying about it being over soon, whereas the bath moments, theres loads of those! Oh, like when you realise your knuckles are ready for cracking.DOUGLAS: What?(ARTHUR cracks his knuckles. MARTIN and DOUGLAS make disgusted noises.)ARTHUR: See, I was happy then! Oh, wait, Ive got another one