高考英语写作实例评析.doc

高考英语写作实例评析2009高考基础写作：你是校报小记者，最近进行了一次采访。以下是这次采访的情况: 时间: 上周末对象: 眼科医生（eye-doctor）王教授主题: 我国中小学生近视（short-sightedness）问题基本信息: （1）发生率: 略高于50（2）人数: 世界第一专家解读: （1）原因: 很复杂（2）治疗: 没有哪一种药物能治愈近视（3）建议: 不要过度用眼；多参加户外活动（4）特别提示: 如何握笔也和近视有关 写作内容根据以上情况写一篇采访报道，并包括如下内容: 1. 采访的时间、对象和主题；2. 中小学生近视的发生率及人数；3. 专家解读。 写作要求只能使用5个句子表达全部内容。 评分标准句子结构准确，信息内容完整，篇章结构连贯。基础写作参考范文 Last weekend, I had an interview with Professor Wang, an eye-doctor, about the issue of short-sightedness of the school children in China. According to Professor Wang, slightly more than half of the school children in our country are short-sighted, which ranks the first in the world. He also pointed that the causes for short-sightedness are so complicated that no medicine can cure short-sightedness. So he suggested that school children avoid overuse of their eyes and do more outdoor activities. He particularly reminded us that how to hold a pen is also related to short-sightedness.基础写作例1Last weekend, we conducted an interview for Dr. Wang, an eye-doctor about the problem of short-sightedness among students in China. According to the latest reports, the short-sightedness rate is a little over 50% while the number of short-sighted students ranks the top place throughout the world. In Dr. Wangs opinion, the causes of this disease are complicated and theres no medicine for short-sightedness treatment now. He also gave advices like avoiding over-use of eyes and taking more outdoor activities. Besides, a special tip is that short-sightedness is related to how you hold your pen.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文12分。2. 语言运用：语言运用能力较好；语法和句子结构准确性较好，虽然存在一些语法结构或词汇方面的错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。主要一些得分的亮点如下：准确使用了短语：conduct an interview；表示对比的词汇while；表示人数世界第一的表达 the number of ranks the top place throughout the world. 表示原因复杂的表达： the causes of are complicated；在介词后面正确使用动名词词组： advice like avoiding and taking；正确使用名词性从句中的表语从句： a special tip is that；正确使用短语be related to。3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。没有出现错漏现象，能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚、到位。4. 文章连贯：内容连贯性比较好，而且结构比较紧凑。在文中能使用“also”、“Besides”等词准确表达意思的递进。失分点：语言运用：存在一些语法结构或词汇方面的错误，虽不影响理解，但表明该生在语言运用中仍存在个别问题。表现如下：标点符号：同位语an eye-doctor 后面应该使用逗号分隔，使意思表达更清楚；单复数：“According to the latest reports”中的“report”应用单数；advice为不可数名词，文中用错作复数；表达不够地道：“theres no medicine for short-sightedness treatment”，建议改为：theres no medicine to cure it.启示与提高：一、在高考作文备考中建议重视书写的训练，如果本文书写更优美，让读者有赏心悦目的感觉，会给改卷老师留下更好的第一印象。二、学习使用更丰富的词汇、短语和句型使文章表达更上一层楼。例2Last weekend. I interviewed Professor Wang. a professional eye-doctor, about the problem on short-sightedness of senior and primary school students in China. Basically, the taking-place percentage of the problem is a little higher than 50% and the number of students who are short-sighted ranks the first in the world. As the professor explained, the cause of the problem was complicated. As there wasnt any medicine that can cure short-sightedness, the professor suggested that students should avoid using their eyes too much and participate in outdoor activities more. Especially, Mr Wang pointed out that how a person holding pens was ralited to short-sightedness （，）too.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文12分。2. 语言运用：语言运用能力较好；语法和句子结构准确性较好，语言表达较为丰富，虽然存在一些语法结构或词汇方面的错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。主要一些得分的亮点如下：正确使用同位语：Professor Wang, a professional eye-doctor 正确使用简单的限制性定语从句：students who are short-sighted 和any medicine that can cure short-sightedness ；正确使用非限制性定语从句：As the professor explained, the cause of the problem was complicated. 正确使用宾语从句并注意虚拟语气：the professor suggested that students should avoid正确使用短语：rank the first in the world, participate in, point out, avoid doing something。3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。无信息错漏，能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚、到位。4. 文章连贯：能按安排题目要求的顺序安排所有内容，逻辑结构没有出现大的错误。失分点：语言运用：存在一些语法结构或词汇方面的小错误，虽不影响理解，但表明该生在语言运用中仍存在问题。表现如下： 介词使用 不当：the problem on, 表达带有母语痕迹：the taking-place percentage is使用复杂的从句出错：pointed out that how a person holding pens was单词拼写错误：ralited（related）启示与提高：1. 书写字母的主体大小起码应占作文行距的一半或以上，以免造成辨别困难。2. 标点符号的书写也要注意，逗号、顿号、句号等要写清楚。3. 扎实提高句子的结构分析水平，避免写复杂从句的“迷失方向”。要清楚知道一个句子，无论是主句还是从句，都要有自己的谓语动词。4. 词汇、短语、句型的使用可以更丰富。例3Last weekend, I had an interview with a famous eye-doctor, professor Wang, discussing the problem of short-sightedness among Chinese middle school and primary schools. Id like to report the situation to you all. In China, a little more than 50% students of middle school and primary schools suffers from short-sightedness, which is the largest sum throughout the world. According to professor Wang, the cause of short-sightedseeing is complicated and there is no medicine that can deal with this problem in todays society. Additionally. Wang have especially mentioned the way of holding pen is relative to short-sightedseeing and he suggested that students should not use their eyes too much while outdoor activities is benificial.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文14分。2. 语言运用：具有很好的语言运用能力；语法和句子结构准确性高，努力使用从句和短语等使文章的语言表达生动，虽然存在一些词汇和搭配方面的错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。主要一些得分的亮点如下：正确使用同位语：a famous eye-doctor, professor Wang,； 努力使用现在分词表伴随：discussing the problem；正确使用非限制性定语从句：, which is is the largest；正确使用限制性定语从句：no medicine that can deal with适当地使用了学过的词汇、短语和搭配使文章更出彩：suffer from，the cause of，the way of holding，deal with，be relative to ，benificial(beneficial)。3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚。4. 文章连贯：内容连贯，结构紧凑。文章充分注意到思路的清晰表达和行文的逻辑关系。注意使用从句和关联词等使文章的层次结构更清晰。如表达递进的等Additionally.。失分点：1. 语言运用：忽略主谓一致：50% studentssuffers from，Wang have；自制单词：short-sightedseeing。2. 写作内容：文中有一句话的意思表达没有必要，却占用了一个句子：Id like to reprot the situation to you all.启示与提高：1. 注意细节问题，尽量避免小错误。2. 应该清楚基础写作中的每一句话都要传递题目要求的主要内容，慎用每一个句子进行到位的表达。例4Last weekend, I called on Dr. Wang, who is a well-known eye-doctor, on the condition of short-sightedness among primary and middle school students. Its a little more than a half of the students are confirmed to be short-sighted and the number of them is the largest around the world. Dr. Wang told us that no medicine was found to cure the short-sightedness because it may be caused by various reasons. To prevent ourself from being short-sighted, we should have more our-door activities and use our eyes reasonably. At last, Dr. Wang reminded us specially that they way you hold your pen may affect your eyes and cause short-sightedness.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文14分。2. 语言运用：具有很好的语言运用能力；语法和句子结构准确性高，努力使用短语搭配等使文章的语言表达生动，虽然存在一些词汇和搭配方面的错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。主要一些得分的亮点如下：正确使用非限制性定语从句：Dr. Wang, who is a well-known eye-doctor, ； 正确使用宾语从句：Dr. Wang told us that, reminded us that； 正确使用非谓语动词不定式表目的：To prevent；适当而正确使用被动是语言表达更丰富：no medicine was found to, it may be caused by。 3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚到位。4. 文章连贯：内容连贯，结构紧凑。文章充分注意到思路的清晰表达和行文的逻辑关系。使用相关词汇和关联词等使文章的逻辑关系更清晰。如：表示目的的不定式结构To prevent，和表示时间先后的At last,等。失分点：语言运用： 错用词组：on the condition of；句子结构出错一个句子中出现多个谓语动词：Its a little more than a half of the students are confirmed to，应该把its 去掉。单词拼写错误：ourself(ourselves).启示与提高：1. 充分注意细节问题，尽量避免单词拼写等小的错漏。2. 认真学习“句子成分”语法专题，建构清晰的句子结构概念，避免出现一个句子多个谓语的情况。例5The growing rate of short-sightedness among students inspired me to take an interview with an eye-doctor Dr. Wang about short-sightedness amony primary and middle school students. From the interview I have learned that the short-sightedness rate is a litter higher than 50%, ranking the first place in the world. Experts explained the causes of short-sightedness were very complicated and no medicine could cure short-sightedness. It is adviced that students should not use their eyes excessively and it would be of great help to take part in ourdoor activities more. Also, it showed that holding pens correctly helps to reduce the rate of short-sightedness.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文15分。2. 语言运用：具有很好的语言运用能力；语法和句子结构准确性高，努力使用短语搭配等使文章的语言表达生动，虽然存在少许单词拼写的小错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。整篇文章读起来自然流畅、思路清晰、表达到位，而且表述生动丰富，给读者留下很好的印象。主要一些得分的亮点如下：正确使用宾语从句：I have learned that, it showed that； 正确使用主语从句：It is adviced that； 正确使用非谓语动词现在分词表伴随：ranking the first place；正确使用丰富的词汇及短语搭配使文章表达更生动：inspired me to, rank the first place, complicated, excessively, be of great help, take part in, 等；现在分词短语做主语：holding pens correctly helps to。3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚到位。4. 文章连贯：内容连贯，结构紧凑。文章充分注意到思路的清晰表达和行文的逻辑关系。使用关联词等使文章的逻辑关系更清晰。如表示递进关系的Also等。失分点：单词拼写错误：amony(among), litter(little), ourdoor(outdoor)启示与提高：保持这样的写作思路和表达思维，坚持进行训练，注意单词拼写等细节，必会越写越好。读写任务例1（20分）Koalas in the park are annoyed, because they are constantly kept awake during daytime, when they are supposed to sleep without any disdurbance. This practice is now announced illegal, for visitors who awake koalas only to entertain themselves bother koalas a lot.This phenomenon is quite common among the zoos. Most of the city dwellers hardly have any opportunities to get close to the nature, especially those lovely animals they adore. Thus, many zoos seize this chance to make a profit by letting tourists take photos with animals kept in the zoos. Tourists hold on to the idea that this practice enables them to get to know the animals habits.However, this seeming beneficial practice actually exerts a negative impact on animals. If I am in the situation those animals are forced with, I will feel anxious and in deep misery, because all my habits are totally disturb by humans. They continuously interrupt my sleep, invade my territory and make dump rubbish everywhere.So deer friends, just try to view this practice from a different angle, imaging you are those poor animals, you may find your behavior so ridiculous. As I believe, a law to ban the practice allowing visitors taking pictures with animals is indispensable. Human should no longer destroy the animals routine, but instead, make our great efforts to protect their habitats and habits.Animals are our friends. Instead of being their enemy, be kind and helpful to them, and they are going to share this nice planet with us forever.得分点：考生较好地完成了题目规定的写作任务。较好地概括了文章主要内容，语言使用较规范，所选内容紧扣主题和题目所列要点，对现象的叙述和原因的分析合乎逻辑，令人信服，段落之间过度自然，篇章流畅。从全文整体来看，表达句式丰富多变，词汇选择准确到位，可以看出考生平时重视课外阅读，具有相当的词汇量和不错的语感。使用得当的句式、得体的选词和表达 (下划线部分；少数使用错误在括号内标识)：1. because they are constantly kept awake during daytime, when they are supposed to sleep2. Most of the city dwellers hardly have any opportunities to get close to (the) nature, especially those lovely animals they adore. Thus, many zoos seize this chance to make a profit by letting tourists take photos with animals kept in the zoos.3. However, this seeming(ly) beneficial practice actually exerts a negative impact on animals.4. They continuously interrupt my sleep, invade my territory and (make) dump rubbish everywhere.5. As I believe, a law to ban the practice allowing visitors taking pictures with animals is indispensable.6. Human should no longer destroy the animals routine, but instead, make our great efforts to protect their habitats and habits.失分点：1. 没有交代所述事件的一些必要信息，如a zoo in Australia, 这对于读者来说显得突兀。2. 首段与下文段落衔接句指代不够精确。首段概括了游客照相扰乱考拉生活的现象以及终被法律禁止两项内容，衔接句“This phenomenon is quite common among the zoos.”中的This phenomenon指代前者还是后者？或者一起指代两者？实际上作者是想说“游客只顾自己照相而扰乱动物生活的现象”，进而分析其原因。3. 词语使用问题：第三段中 “They continuously interrupt my sleep, invade my territory and make dump rubbish everywhere.”排列连举三个游客行为，很好地描述了作者站在动物的角度，设身处地想象出的动物的抱怨和不满心理，但第三点表述略有瑕疵。考生对dump一词理解有偏差，导致使用失误。dump可用做名词和动词，名词意为“垃圾场”、“垃圾堆”，动词意为“丢（垃圾）”、“倾倒（垃圾或废料等）”，在此可以去掉make，直接将其用作动词。4. 拼写和词形问题：disdurbance应为disturbance; “this seeming beneficial practice”应为this seemingly beneficial practice, seemingly修饰形容词beneficial, 应使用副词形式；第三段 “because all my habits are totally disturb by humans.” 中的disturb应为disturbed之误。第四段的“So deer friends,”应为“So dear friends,”。5. 题目规定全文150字数，该考生答卷超出太多。启示与提升1. 阅读和写作相互促进。广泛阅读是积累词语、句式和有效表达的有效途径，保证阅读的量有助于提高词汇掌握的质和量，同时阅读也是语感形成的有效途径。2. 词汇的学习按照语料块进行会更有效，也就是学习时不是以单词为单位，而是以搭配、词组和惯用表达句式为单位进行学习和记忆。3. 考生对写作任务要有读者意识。也就是说写作时要心中有读者，要保证文章的完整性，不得省略必要信息和背景，要让读者读得清楚、读得懂。4. 作文要得高分，必须不放过细节，比如词形、拼写，字数控制等。例2（22分）Be A Good TouristMany koalas cant sleep well due to the distractions from tourists, and government has to make laws to prevent tourists form hugging or photographing with koalas.Nowadays, feeding or photographing with animals is something that many people take for granted. Many people go to zoos just in order to take photos with them, which may seem to be an excellent experience. Whats more, they can see a variety of animals in zoos which cant be seen in daily life.If I were one of the animals being treated like that, I would feel sad because they deprived me of my freedom and my sleeping time as well. It would be a destruction to my body.From my part, I strongly disagree with the practice that many tourists do. Animals are humans best friend, and they deserve the same rights as human beings. So we should do our best to protect them with good care and be a good tourist with good virture. Only in this way can we build a better relationship with animals.得分点：考生较好地概括了阅读短文所描述的事件，语言精炼，分析游客行为的原因时，指出多数人对此行为习以为常，照相、喂食看动物，这不就是人们去动物园的原因吗？接下来作者按照题目要求对动物心理进行换位推测，这与上段之间的过度显得自然流畅。是否应该禁止游客的此类行为，作者然后就提出自己的观点，明确不含糊。总的说，考生较好地完成了规定的写作任务，内容选择合理，篇章连贯一致，用语基本通顺得当，态度和观点明确晓畅。同时字数控制得也不错。使用得当的句式、得体的选词和表达：1. Many koalas cant sleep well due to the distractions from tourists, and government has to make laws to prevent tourists form hugging or photographing with koalas.2. feeding or photographing with animals is something that many people take for granted.3. , I would feel sad because they deprived me of my freedom and my sleeping time as well.4. , and they deserve the same rights as human beings.失分点：1. 事件相关的地点a zoo in Australia应有必要交代，否则读者会对文章内容的背景疑惑不清，如，哪里的government？2. 语言使用问题：第二段“Many people go to zoos just in order to take photos with them, ”中in order to do是动词不定式to do做目的状语的强调形式，表明游客参观动物园不为别的，就是同动物照相，而just在这里意为exactly，simply，也表示强调。二者同时使用实为重复累赘，搭配别扭。建议直接说Many people go to zoos just to take photos with them, ”第三段末句“It would be a destruction to my body.”中的destruction是destroy的名词形式，是一个不可数名词，说a destruction当属误用，另外意义也不妥。还不如直接说成“It would do harm to my health.”。最后一段首句的“From my part, I strongly disagree with the practice that many tourists do.”存在两方面的问题。首先From my part应为for my part (used when saying what a particular person thinks or does, as opposed to other people)之误，考生可能是把这个短语和from my point of view混杂记在一起了；另外这里的practice显然是指something that people do regularly的意思，做这个意义讲时，其动词搭配不用do，能搭配的动词有adopt, employ, follow等。3. 叙述逻辑问题：第二段结尾句“Whats more, they can see a variety of animals in zoos which cant be seen in daily life.”这里把zoos同daily life对立起来进行比较略显不妥，zoos是一个地点、场所，参观zoos难道不也是发生在daily life中，属于其中的一部分吗？建议改为“Whats more, they can see a variety of animals in zoos which cant be seen in other places in our daily life”。（daily life在LDOCE中被解释为：the ordinary things that you usually do or experience）4. 拼写：最后一段的virture应为virtue.启示与提升1. 此习作的情形再次提醒我们写作一定要有读者意识，在写作构思时我们不妨站在读者的角度去审视，看看我们的内容和选材是否有针对性，叙述说理是否清晰明了。有时候我们以为自己知道读者也一定知道，然而对于读者来说却说不定是没头没脑，云里雾里。2. 应试作文要获得高分，不仅要尽量减少语法错误，还要重视词语的搭配习惯，叙述的逻辑和表达效果等因素。例3（22分）The koalas in Australia are always awoken from deep sleep because the tourists want to hug and photograph them, which makes the koalas unhappy. The government is now trying to ban photographing with animals.It is reasonable that why people want to take photos with the animals. When they visit zoos, they are attracted by the animals lovely characters and behavior, so they want to take a photo to help them remember these funny creatures. In addition, going to a zoo is such a special experience that people need photos to memorize it because they dont have any chances to visit the animals.However, if I were the animal, I didnt like to take photos with people if they disturb my daily life. I would be angry and tired if I couldnt have enough sleep and keep making poses. But as long as I had enough time to rest, I was willing to be photographed.I think government should not ban photographing animals. Many people go to the zoo just for the intimate experience with the animals. Zoo is a place where people can have fun. Instead, the government can make a law to specify the time people can take photos with animals. That will help them have a normal and relaxed life.得分点：本文概括基本准确，且概括部分字数控制得好，语言通顺，内容选择得当，观点角度新，道理可自圆其说，能够令人接受。总的说达到了写作任务的较高档次要求。概括部分对事件进行了清晰的交待，在第二段对游客行为进行分析时，首先用一句话点出游客的行为是reasonable的，算是本段的主题句。接下来讲了两个原因以支撑这个看法。第三段从动物角度看待游客的行为，说出动物可能不喜欢是来自该行为对它们睡眠等日常作息干扰这个因素，否则，动物也是愿意同游客照相的。这样就自然有了第四段的结论，那就是政府不用禁止游客同动物照相的行为，只需要合理控制时间就能两全其美。该考生在行文中也注意到了对koalas一词用不同的词语指称，如animals，these funny creatures, 使行文不至于单调呆板。一些使用得当的句式、得体的选词和表达：1. I would be angry and tired if I couldnt have enough sleep and keep making poses.2. Many people go to the zoo just for the intimate experience with the animals.3. Instead, the government can make a law to specify the time people can take photos with animals.失分点：1. 语言使用问题：“It is reasonable that why people want to take photos with the animals.”中的why的多余的，这是一个由that引起的主语从句后置，而用it做形式主语的结构，实际是说That people want to take photos with the animals is reasonable. 这样就可以明显看出句子容不下why一词了。这个失误可能是受汉语对应说法的干扰而导致的。第三段作者置身于动物的位置来进行换位思考，这段话中的虚拟结构形式前后有一些失误。“如果我是这个动物，人们照相时扰乱了我的生活的话我也不喜欢。”“However, if I were the animal, I didnt like to take photos with people if they disturb my daily life. ”实际上正确的匹配应该是“If I were, I would not ”。而“if they disturb my life”中的disturb 也应为disturbed；下一句“I would be angry and tired if I couldnt have enough sleep and keep making poses.”的主从句形式匹配则是正确的。但第三句 “But as long as I had enough time to rest, I was willing to be photographed.”又出现了中从句形式冲突的情况，应该是But as long as I had enough time to rest, I would be willing to be photographed.2. 第三、四段之间缺乏逻辑过渡，文章展开过程中缺乏要点提炼。第二段在分析了游客行为原因之后，第三段从动物角度换位思考，但这里作者独辟蹊径，两分法看问题：游客扰乱了动物生活，但情有可原，动物也不是绝对排斥这样的行为，这样，作者对“禁还是不禁”便有了倾向性的看法，那就是未必禁。这之间就有一个一波三折的变化，在语言阐述上也应该有自然过渡以及要点的提炼。最后一段建议这样修改：So, all things considered, I do not think it necessary for the government to ban photographing of animals. Instead, the go