All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.doc

If theres one thing America needs, its more lawyers.Homer Simpson A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.Thomas Mann If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in. Bradleys Bromide. A sheep in sheeps clothingOn Clement Atlee Winston Churchill A diplomat is a man who always remembers a womans birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost. Of all the things Ive lost, I miss my mind the most.Mark Twain It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. Dan Quayle. I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.Mark Twain Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.Benjamin Franklin First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns. Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, hed lie just to keep his hand in. Harry S. Truman. Theres no such thing as a soul. Its just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.Bart Simpson Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.George S. Kaufman Submitted by John Veloz My girlfriend is cross eyed,Im going to leave her due to a shitty perspective. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.George Bernard Shaw Computer dating is fine, if youre a computer. Rita May Brown. My reputation grows with every failure.Bernard Shaw Its not that Im afraid to die. I just dont want to be there when it happens.Woody Allen If theres anything unsettling to the stomach, its watching actors on television talk about their personal lives.Marlon Brando Submitted by Jensen HallSquares are scary, but hearts are worth loving Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.Josh Billings Submitted by Travis Robinson If women run the world men must be the track The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.Lucille Ball Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.Woody Allen Biologically speaking, if something bites you its more likely to be female. Desmond Morris. He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire. Truman Capote on Mick Jagger Attention to health is life greatest hindrance.Plato An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.Mae West An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then hes finished.Zsa Zsa Gabor Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.Woody Allen Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.Mae West When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home. Winston Churchill The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End. Cyril Smith. I always say, keep a diary and some day itll keep you.Mae West When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. Mark Twain. Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.Mark Twain Love your enemies. Itll make em crazy. What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?George Carlin My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.Ronald ReaganUS president during radio microphone test. You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.Al Capone. Its worse than dog eats dog. Its dog doesnt return dogs phone calls.Woody Allen I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Thats like a free compliment and you dont even gotta be smart to notice it.Mitch Hedberg Ill bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Charles Swartz. I dont know what I would do without Whitelaw. Everyone should have a Willy.Margaret Thatcher. Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.Henry A. Kissinger Submitted by Jason Wahby There are two things that are infinite in this world. The universe and human stupidity, Im not really sure about the earth. Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? George W Bush I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.Groucho Marx Andy Warhol is the only genius Ive ever known with an I.Q. of 60.Gore Vidal. Submitted by Debbie ReedsA way to a mans heart is through his stomach. A way to a womans heart is to scratch under her bra strap! I dont believe in mathematics.Albert Einstein Id like to help you out. Which way did you come in? A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.George W Bush By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another mans, I mean.Mark Twain He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.George Bernard Shaw I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.Jeffrey Bernard. When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. George Bernard Shaw But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.George Bernard Shaw Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.Bill Cosby A good sermon should be like a womans skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.Ronald Knox I love mankind. Its people I cant stand.Charles Monroe Schultz The two most misused words in the entire English vocabulary are love and friendship. A true friend would die for you, so when you start trying to count them on one hand, you dont need any fingers.Larry Flynt There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.Mae West His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.Woody Allen Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.Samuel Beckett Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. Just because youre not paranoid doesnt mean theyre not out to get you. In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. Stephen Leacock. Basically my wife was immature. Id be in my bath and shed come in and sink my boats.Woody Allen If youre gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.David Brent Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.Laurence J. Peter The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: Im from the government and Im here to help. Ronald Reagan. Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasnt it.Groucho Marx Submitted by Louise Percival Friendship is the greatest gift of all - until you fancy the same boy Seeing a murder on television. can help work off ones antagonisms. And if you havent any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.Alfred Hitchcock In mathematics you dont understand things. You just get used to them.John Von Neumann I have made this letter longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter.Blaise Pascal Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.George Burns The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If theyre okay, then its you. Rita Mae Brown. Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.Ren Descartes Hes the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.Mae West I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.Robert Benchley We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. Jeff Marder. 驾校一点通365网 /sichuan/ 四川驾校一点通George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge. you cant hear him talk.Steven Wright Dont knock masturbation, its sex with someone I love .Woody Allen First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.George Burns Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, Im afraid of widths.Steven Wright I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said No.Woody Allen Submitted by Britt Robin Good looks only carry you so far & you my dear had a short ass trip Im at the age now where just put