英文幽默.doc

TrustA defence attorney (律师) was cross-examining (盘问) a police officer during a felony (重罪) trial which went like this:Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?A: No sir, but I subsequently (随后) observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q: Officer, who provided this description?A: The officer who responded to the scene.Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?A: Yes sir, with my life.Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then, officer do you have a locker room in the police station a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?A: Yes sir, we do.Q: And do you have a locker in that room?A: Yes sir, I do.Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?A: Yes sir.Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex (综合大楼), and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.Being Creative in CompetitionA shopkeeper was dismayed (使沮丧) when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified (惊骇的) when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper panicked (恐慌), until he got a creative idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.American ManagementThe Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged (低落), the corporate (团队的) management decided that the reason for the defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultants finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering (掌舵); the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions of dollars spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as the race day neared again the following year, the Americans team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles! Humiliated (丢脸), the American corporation (团队) laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.Being Creative in CompetitionA shopkeeper was dismayed (使沮丧) when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified (惊骇的) when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper panicked (恐慌), until he got a creative idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.Im GladA Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she, has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?Please, teacher, said a small boy, I made someone glad yesterday.Well done. Who was that?My granny.Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad.Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, Granny, Im going home, and she said, Well, Im glad!The TwinsA family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal (永远的) optimist, the other a hopeless pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on the twins birthday their father loaded the pessimists room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimists room he loaded with horse manure (马粪).That night the father passed by the pessimists room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.Why are you crying? the father asked.Because my friends will be jealous, Ill have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. Ill constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually (最终) get broken. answered the pessimist twin.Passing the optimist twins room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. What are you so happy about? he asked.To which his optimist twin replied, Theres got to be a pony (小马) in here somewhere!Bad NeighboursA dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast (烤肉) off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.Being angry at the theft (窃案), the butcher called up his neighbour and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you