20130706 太空旅行.docx

20130706Space travel has been possible for some time. Some people think space tourism can help to develop countries economy, what do you think? What are the positive and negative about it?审题：太空旅行已有时日，有些人认为它能够帮助发展国家的经济，你认为是利大于弊还是弊大于利？分析：题目中的What are the positive and negative about it类似于discuss both views and give your opinion, 定义为discussion观点相冲突，可以写成7/3分，即支持空间旅行对发展国家经济是利大于弊的1. 引言段2. 7分支持空间旅行对国家经济好处1+支持句群3. 7分支持空间旅行对国家经济好处2+支持句群4. 3分让步空间旅行可能带来的弊端+支持句群5. 结论段Simon世界观找观点Happiness 幸福Incentives 动机EmotionNot applicable Cost不自量力的资金投入会使本国经济结构将受到伤害（3分让步）HealthNot applicable Efficiency 引入私人投资进行太空探索可以作为国家战略有效补充（7分支持）P2PNot applicable Quality空间技术发展带动各项科技发展(7分支持)Career 商业的星际旅行极大地带来收入和工作机会（7分支持）Safety不成熟的技术可能会造成人员伤亡和财产损失（3分让步）Simon太阳法分析：7分支持 太空旅行对国家经济的好处观点1：可以带动诸多相关领域的发展(career, quality) 举例：航空业，电信业，光能利用，农业，军事等(aviation, telecommunication, solar energy, agriculture, military) 解释：因为他们都在空间探索中扮演不可或缺的角色（play an indispensable role in） 效果: 太空科技的整体突破能够带动工业技术革新 （lead to industrial innovation and technological revolution）观点2：商业化的太空旅行可以带来资金和活力(cost, efficiency, quality)举例：维珍银河的尝试表明了商业化太空探索的可行性（Commercial spatial tour conducted by Virgin Galactic）效果：可以促进就业和扩大生产规模（expand production scale and promote employment）3分让步不切实际的太空旅游探索带来弊端 让步观点：自不量力的太空发展会伤害国家经济结构(cost, safety) 反证： 另外，如果用不成熟的科技和不充分的安全检查，就会导致灾难和人力财力的损失（premature technology can lead to the loss of lives and funds）明天会更好达到一个平衡 balance国家应该根据自身的实际情况发展太空旅行，或者国际社会携起手来让人类突破和探索更多的未知世界的同时，促进经济和科技的繁荣。(promote outer space tourism without jeopardizing domestic economy)Task Response范文：Introduction 引言段1. 时代背景和讨论的必要性空间领域的科技发展使人类的足迹扩展到了地球以外的星际领域, 相应地这也对一个国家的财力和科技水平提出了极大的要求和挑战Industrial and scientific advancements in space exploration have left our footprints among the intergalactic territories. Accordingly, it poses great challenges and demand for a countrys financial and technological supports.2. 最高原则和最佳局面 (thus)我们要确保在发展空间旅行的同时保证经济的良性运转Hence, it is imperative that we ought to keep moving forward the space tourism without jeopardizing a countrys economic structures and social wellbeing.3. 个人观点 (from my point of view)总体来说，我个人认为空间旅行的大趋势对国家的经济发展还是利大于弊的From my point of view, the trend of astronavigation is meant to carry more merits for the sake of economy. Body paragraph 1:1. 主要观点 (the biggest advantage is that)空间旅行最大的优点在于它能够有效地带动很多相关领域的发展The biggest advantage is that the breakthrough of space technology effectively leads to the flourish of a variety of related fields,2. 举例 (including)比如说航空业，电信业，光能利用，农业，军事等including aviation, telecommunications, solar energy, material science, agriculture as well as military advancement.3. 解释 (this is mainly because)这是因为每个领域在实现太空旅行方面都扮演了不可或缺的角色This is mainly because each plays an indispensable role in making the space tour into realization.4. 效果 (in this respect)作为结果，科技的整体突破能够带动工业技术革新，因此也有利于经济发展In this respect, the progress of the whole inevitably results in industrial innovation and creation, and as a result, a countrys economy can greatly benefit from such a technological revolution. Body paragraph 2:1. 次要观点 (furthermore)另外，作为重要的补充，引入私人领域的投资可以带来足够的资金和活力Besides, the private sector of investment could become a perfect supplement for providing sufficient funds and more dynamics.2. 举例 (recent space adventures organized by have successfully demonstrated that)最近由维珍星河组织的太空冒险就证明了私人公司也可以用可靠的技术和仅为NASA几分之一的成本获得成功Recent space adventures organized by the private-owned Virgin Galactic have successfully proven that such commercial planning is actually worked with reliable technology and the fraction of price compared with the cost of NASA.3. 效果 (consequently)因此可以扩大生产的规模和促进就业Consequently, the production scale would be expanded and employment promoted.Body paragraph 3: 1. 让步观点 (nevertheless)然而，如果一个国家不量力而盲目发展太空旅行，国家的经济结构和社会的福祉就会受到伤害Nevertheless, we should also face the reality that one countrys overall economy and peoples wellbeing might be undermined if the government contributes money to spatial research disproportionately with the limited financial resources.2 反证 (simultaneously)同时，不成熟的科技和不充分的安全检查也会导致不可想象的灾难和人力财力的损失Simultaneously, the immature scientific technology and insufficient safety checks can lead to the unimaginable catastrophes and the loss of lives and funds.Conclusion:1. 总结陈词 (to conclude)总而言之，太空旅行带来的经济好处是巨大的To conclude, the economic benefits from space tourism are considerable2. 明天会更好 (and to achieve that)但同时要制定合适的战略方向和发展先进的科技，来保证外太空的进步能够带动经济繁荣to achieve that, the strategic direction of its development must be well thought through, its scientific technology must be cutting-edge to ensure that outer space advancement can positively affect a countrys economy. Grammatical Range and AccuracyAFTER Waynes CORRECTIONIntroduction paragraphSimon: Industrial and scientific advancements in space exploration have left footprints 1. among the intergalactic territories. Accordingly, it poses great challenges and demand 2. for a countrys financial and technological supports. 3. Hence, it is imperative that 4. we ought to 5. keep moving forward the space tourism without jeopardizing a countrys economic structures and social wellbeing. From my point of view, the trend of astronavigation 6. is meant to carry more merits for the sake of economy. Wayne: Industrial and scientific advancements in space exploration have left footprints in interstellar territories. Accordingly, it poses great challenges and demand on national finances and technology, rendering it imperative to continue pursuing space tourism without jeopardizing a countrys economic structures and social wellbeing. From my point of view, the trend of astronavigation seems determined to possess more merits for the sake of economy. Wayne 点评：1. Intergalactic territories 改为interstellar territories（ to my knowledge, we havent started physically exploring other galaxies）严格来讲，太空实质探索还仅限于太阳系, intergalactic 为不同星系间的，interstellar 为不同星球间的2. 改为national finances and technology用词更加的简洁3. 删掉hence ，后面改用从句4. 删掉 we ought to， 避免使用人称代词5. 把Moving forward 改为 progressing, advancing, pursuing6. Be meant to carry more merits过于绝对，改为seems determined to possess more merits造句元素：Scientific advancements 科技发展；Space exploration 空间探索；Pose great challenge 带来了挑战；Space tourism 空间旅行；Jeopardize 危害；Astronavigation 太空旅行；For the sake of在方面Body paragraph 1:Simon: The 1.biggest advantage is that the breakthrough of space technology effectively leads to the 2. flourish of a variety of related fields, including aviation, telecommunications, solar energy, material science, agriculture as well as military advancement. 3. This is mainly because each plays an indispensable role in 4.making the space tour into 5.realization. In this respect, 6. the progress of the whole inevitably results in industrial innovation and creation,7.and as a result, a countrys economy can greatly benefit from such a technological revolution. Wayne: The largest advantage is that the breakthrough of space technology effectively leads to the flourishing of a variety of related fields, including aviation, telecommunications, solar energy, material science, agriculture and military advancement. This is mainly because each plays an indispensable role in turning space tourism into reality. In this respect, the whole progress inevitably results in industrial innovation and creation, thus greatly benefiting the economy through such a technological revolution. Wayne 点评：1. Biggest 改为greatest, largest, major （never use this word in an essay）在作文中不要使用big2. Flourish 改为 flourishing , 改为动名词3. Mainly because 改为this is mainly because ( this should not start a sentence unless there is a clause with a comma)Mainly because 不能引导一个句子，除非是在从句当中4. Make 改为 turn ， 表示转变5. Realization 改为reality, 表示现实6. The progress of the whole 改为the whole progress，表示整个过程7. 删掉as a result, 改为递进从句， thus greatly benefiting 造句元素：Breakthrough 突破；Flourish 兴盛；Related fields 相关领域；Aviation 航空业；Telecommunication 电信业；Solar energy 太阳能利用；Material science 材料科学；Play an indispensable role 扮演不可或缺的角色；Turn space tourism into reality 把空间旅游变成现实；Industrial innovation 工业革新；Technological revolution 技术革命Body paragraph 2:Simon: 1. Besides, the private sector of investment could become a perfect supplement for providing sufficient funds and 2. more dynamics. Recent space adventures organized by the 3. private-owned Virgin Galactic have successfully 4. proven that such commercial planning is actually 5. worked with reliable technology and 6. the fraction of price compared with the cost of NASA. Consequently, the production scale would be expanded and employment promoted.Wayne: Furthermore, the private sector of investment could become a perfect supplement for providing sufficient funds and extra dynamics. Recent space adventures organized by the privately owned Virgin Galactic have successfully demonstrated that such commercial planning is actually effective with reliable technology and at a fraction of the price compared with the costs of NASA. Consequently, the production scale would be expanded and employment promoted.Wayne 点评：1. Besides 改为 furthermore （this is not always a great word to use in essays of this context）在作文中使用furthermore来表示另外2. More 改为extra, 表示更多的3. Private-owned 改为privately owned，表示私人拥有的4. Prove 改为demonstrate, 表示表明了5. Work 改为 be effective, 表示起作用的6. The fraction of price 改为at a fraction of the price， 表示仅为的几分之一造句元素：Private sector of investment 私人领域的投资；A perfect supplement 完美的补充；Sufficient funds 足够的资金;Dynamics 活力;Privately owned 私营的;Virgin Galactic 维珍银河;Demonstrate 展示了;At a fraction of the price 价格仅为的几分之一;Expand production scale 生产规模;Promote employment 促进就业Body paragraph 3:Simon: Nevertheless, 1. we should also face the reality that one 2. countrys overall economy and peoples wellbeing might be undermined if the government contributes 3. money to spatial research disproportionately with the limited financial resources. Simultaneously, the 4. immature scientific technology and insufficient safety checks can lead to the unimaginable catastrophes and the loss of lives and funds.Wayne: Nevertheless, the reality that the overall health of domestic economy and its population might be undermined should also be realized if the government contributes financially but disproportionately to space research with limited financial resources. Simultaneously, premature scientific technology and insufficient safety checks can lead to unimaginable catastrophes and the loss of lives and funds.Wayne 点评：1. We should also face the reality 改为 the reality that ( it would be a better essay using passive tense instead)使用客观陈述2. One countrys overall economy改为domestic economy 国内的经济3. Contributing money 改为contributing financially避免使用简单词4. Immature 改为prematureImmature 是不成熟的，发育不全的；premature是时机不成熟，过早发生的事物造句元素：Undermine 暗中破坏；Spatial research 空间研究；Disproportionate 不成比例的；Limited financial resources 有限的财力；Simultaneously 同时；Premature 不成熟的；Insufficient safety check 不充分的安全检查；Unimaginable 不可想象的；Catastrophe 大灾难 catastrophic 灾难的；Loss of lives and money 生命和财产损失Conclusion:Simon: To conclude, the economic benefits from space tourism are considerable, 1. to achieve that, the strategic direction of its development must be 2. well thought through, its scientific technology must be cutting-edge to ensure that outer space advancement can positively affect a countrys economy. Wayne: To conclude, the economic benefits from space tourism are considerable and to achieve that, the strategic direction of its development must be properly implemented. Its scientific technology must be cutting-edge to ensure that outer space advancement can positively affect a countrys economy. Wayne 点评：1. To achieve that改为 and to achieve that (the linking of sentences is necessary)句子时间的连接词不能缺少2. Well thought through改为be properly implemented制定合适的发展战略造句元素：Economic benefits 经济好处；Space tourism 太空旅游；Strategic direction 战略方向；Implement 实施；Cutting-edge 先进的；Outer space advancement 外太空发展Wayne的修改范文Industrial and scientific advancements in space exploration have left footprints in interstellar territories. Accordingly, it poses great challenges and demand on national finances and technology, rendering it imperative to continue pursuing space tourism without jeopardizing a countrys economic structures and social wellbeing. From my point of view, the trend of astronavigation seems determined to possess more merits for the sake of economy. The largest advantage is that the breakthrough of space technology effectively leads to the flourishing of a variety of related fields, including aviation, telecommunications, solar energy, material science, agriculture and military advancement. This is mainly because each plays an indispensable role in turning space tourism into reality. In this respect, the whole progress inevitably results in industrial innovation and creation, thus greatly benefiting the economy through such a technological revolution. Furthermore, the private sector of investment could become a perfect supplement for providing sufficient funds and extra dynamics. Recent space adventures organized by the privately owned Virgin Galactic have successfully demonstrated that suc