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1、401 the agony and the ex-tasyif youre single. theres one thing you should always have. when you go out on a saturday night.your friends.why are we walking so fast?are we in that big a hurry to get to an engagement party?what, dont you guys want to go?i did, until i saw this invitation.let me see tha

2、t again.two souls, one thought. that is sappy.that is totally not like danny.mustve been her idea.two souls, one pushy fiance.come on, its beautiful.its a big, romantic gesture to express how they feel about each other.lf two people have only one thought between them.something is very wrong. cab.i r

3、emember when danny had more than one thought. and they all involved going up my ass.you had sex with danny?hes cute, straight, and weve know him for 10 years.havent we all had sex with danny?yeah, that one weekend that i was bored.just a new years eve kiss.i showed him a boob in a coat check room.ju

4、st one?i sensed he couldnt commit.were over here.baby lamb chops. this is quite a spread.two souls, one big budget.there he was, the fianc du jour.hey, look whos here!congratulations!thanks.and this is my other half, hailey.congratulations.hailey, this is carrie and charlotte.miranda.oh, miranda.rig

5、ht. sorry.im just a little overwhelmed.danny!couldnt remember my name?maybe you shouldve showed him both boobs.and across the room from the two soul couple.i told the other numb nuts i wanted a grey goose an hour ago.chop, chop.a man with no soul. so, phil, what is it that you do?im a tv agent, and

6、i fucking love it.what a beautiful wedding ring.wheres your husband?hes not here.were actually taking some time apart.were separated.not legally separated, nothing legal. god, no.were just taking some time to figure things out.we got married really fast.love at first sight.didnt think it through.so

7、now were talking and trying to figure out what he.actually we, he and i, really want.we love each other so much.but that doesnt always mean a marriage is working, oes it?it does not.we had some problems in the bedroom.but it was more about the fact that we got married so fast.so now were just talkin

8、g and trying to figure things out.just talking, nothing physical.i think its better if we just talk.so we are talking till we figure it all out.so no, hes not here.okay. i have to.dont talk to her.charlotte realized that she and trey were two souls. with too many thoughts.the minute we met it was pe

9、rfect.i knew we were meant to be together.i could stop looking, i had found him.congratulations!and what about you guys?im not dating anyone.what about you, miranda?seeing anyone special?actually, no.but i am seeing a whole bunch of un-special guys.thats one of the requirements to date me.are you sp

10、ecial? sorry, move along.but if you have any un-special friends, could you give them my number?im serious. do any of you have a totally un-remarkable friend.or maybe a house plant i could go to dinner with on saturday night?shes hilarious.hey, what the hell was going on in there?felt like your comed

11、y routine should have a two drink minimum.we were standing in a group of married or engaged women.just trying to avoid the pity party.and i thought it was a cocktail party.we were the only single people in there.miranda, were the only single people any-where.are you telling me you didnt see all thos

12、e.dont worry, youll find someone looks?nope, didnt see them.hey.society views single people our age as sad and pathetic.i dont need that judgment hanging over me.i go on the offensive and make them laugh.okay, shecky.you know what?sometimes i think people in couples wish they had our lives.nope.we m

13、ake them uncomfortable, and they dont know what to say.and youre sure youre not overreacting?yeah.coming.god. yes.what are we doing?goodnight.charlotte.i thought it was the horsemen of the apocalypse.i cannot go to any more parties until i know what were going to do.about what?us!ive been awake, won

14、dering if we should stay together in spite of issues.i dont want to confuse you, so i made some notes.you made some notes?it helps me to be clear.one, sex life.the sex we had on the floor of your apartment.was quite good, actually.one time.that does not a marriage make.come inside.maybe we can rack

15、up a new score.two, you only want me when you cant have me.did you make a note that mentions.how beautiful you look tonight?we have some big decisions to make.trey.you have a boner.you are just so beautiful.i cant discuss my notes if you have a boner.come inside.i cannot come inside, we are separate

16、d.i have more notes.i think about you every night.may i take off your panties?dont.all right.you said you didnt want to be married.but now i dont know if i want to be married.trey, are you.that night, neither charlotte nor trey came inside.im not quite sure what to say.im sorry, charlotte, may i get

17、 you a hankie?its too late for a hankie.this isnt working.whatever this is were doing, it isnt working.just please stop calling me.ill call you when ive figured out what i want.charlotte, i love you.send me the dry cleaning bill.trey may have had a lot of flaws, but bad manners wasnt one of them.it

18、was a lovely, uneventful saturday morning.three lattes, two newspapers, and. one dating service application.dear single. single? you dont even have a name?im single, i dont deserve one.thats the postal equivalent of a drive by shooting.i thought those 57 menus i get every day from hunan moonan were

19、annoying.look at this.dont let your soul mate slip away.its almost a threat. its like, we have him. hes just waiting for you.but hurry, cause hes slipping away.there he goes.soul mates only exist in the hallmark aisle in duane reade drugs.i disagree.i believe theres that one perfect person out there

20、 to complete you.and if you dont find him?what, youre incomplete? its so dangerous.all right, first of all, the idea that theres only one out there.why dont i just shoot myself right now?id like to think people have more than one soul mate.i agree, ive had hundreds.and if you miss one, along comes a

21、nother, like cabs.that is not how it works.okay.but youre still looking outside yourself.its saying that youre not enough.are you enough?actually, today shes too much.the bad thing about the one perfect soul mate.is that its so unattainable.youre being set up to fail.exactly, and you feel bad about

22、yourself.it makes the gap between the holy grail and the assholes even bigger.i dont care. i believe in soul mates.i thought trey was mine.but i dont think that a soul mate would.on your leg.really true.theres got to be that someone out there whos just perfect for me.maybe i should keep looking.here

23、 you go.okay, were filling this out.im not in the mood.not for you, for her.okay!no.yes.age. check box.20 to 25, 25 to 30, 30 to 34.not after next week.birthday girl.35 to 44.honey, welcome to my box.soul mate.two little words, one big concept.a belief that someone, somewhere.is holding the key to y

24、our heart, and your dream house.all you have to do is find them.so where is this person?and if you loved someone and it didnt work out.does that mean they werent your soul mate?were they just a runner-up contestant in this game show.called happily ever after?and as you move from age box to age box.a

25、nd the contestants get fewer and fewer.are your chances of finding your soul mate less and less?soul mates, reality or torture device?what about a little birthday dinner?ll cantinori, something nice.im not sure i want to do anything.im kind of into laying low.laying low or feeling low?no, im fine.co

26、me on, youve got to do better than that.youve got to grab 35 by the balls and say, world, im 35!okay, calm down, auntie mame.ill put the dinner together.all you have to do is show up.just close friends, very fabulouslite.all right.that sounds fun, thank you.should i invite big?what, are you slowly t

27、rying to kill me on the way to lunch?technically you are friends now, right?you know, a phone call here and there.its friendly.do you think i should i invite him?how should i know?when im done with them, im done with them.maybe not. and i think hes still in london.lets just keep it to low maintenanc

28、e friends.all right.welcome. come in.he is hot.he is a priest.he is a hot priest.look at his robe.its so robin and his merry men.est bien, gracias.you tell them, friar fuck.okay, sister, lets go.im not gonna lose my table at pastis.so you can cruise a holy man.what street are we on, again?that sunda

29、y, samantha went to church.good morning.good morning.i noticed all the good work youre doing in the neighborhood. and i just stopped to seeif i could be of service.we could use another hand in the kitchen.im in public relations.and i was thinking maybe i could help put a benefit together.something c

30、lassy, respectful.i can guarantee donald trump and marlo thomas.thank you, but here at all souls, were a little more lowkey than that.were more about collecting food, canned goods to feed to the needy.so.i love your robe.this is what we wear.im in the franciscan order founded by st. francis.the robe

31、 is.do you really want to hear about this?tell me more about this st. francis.he lived his life based on the vows of poverty and chastity.here.its st. francis giving his coat to the poor.samantha jones, public relations.lf you change your mind about the benefit.or anything.and just like that, samant

32、ha went from mr. no soul. to mr. all souls.after church, most people go out for pan-cakes.samantha wasnt most people.samantha, your face is glowing.did you get a facial or something?i masturbated all afternoon.all right, then.seriously? all afternoon?two, two and a half hours.whos got that kind of t

33、ime?i like to get in and get out.i enjoy a quickie every now and then. but when its good like today, i go with it.i masturbated to my priest.your priest?friar fuck.i think we might have to get her a crash helmet.you have a priest?no.she wants him, but she cant have him.its all very thorn birds.inmy

34、fantasy.he tears the food im carrying for the homeless.out of my arms, rips open my dress. lays me down in the street and enters me.what do you do for the next 2 hours and 20 minutes?stop, you are talking about a priest.its a fantasy.i can masturbate to whomever i like.its imagination.its fun and pe

35、rfectly healthy.who do you all fantasize about?russell crowe.jinx! you owe me a coke.thats amazing.what did women do before russell crowe?george clooney.clooneys like a chanel suit.hell always be in style.i used to masturbate to a busboy who was rude to me once.what do you think that means?fine, the

36、 cheese stands alone.come on, charlotte.get that judgmental puss off, and join in.who do you fantasize about?no, its private.come on, it cant be any worse than a priestand a busboy.were not moving on till you tell us about one of your masturbation guys.its not guys.lately, its just one man.l.l. bean

37、?no.trey.and we have this really, you know, perfect sex.what do you think it means?this is 4591905.im not in, so please leave a message.i think youre still in england.but its mid-night here in new york, and its my birth-day.i am officially old.so i felt the need to call someone.older.anyway, some fr

38、iends are giving me a din-ner tomorrow night.actually its tonight, and youre a friend.so if you are back in town.its going to be at ll cantinori, at 8:30 p.m.and if youre.still in london.then cheerio, old chap.so, okay.the next day, on wall street. miranda?sheila, hi! how are you?im fantastic! gosh!

39、joe and i just got back from new orleans.so how are you?are you seeing anyone special?but miranda wasnt feeling very shecky.actually, im not.look, hes out there for you somewhere.you just havent met him yet, right?maybe, maybe not.i dont know if i believe all that.maybe there isnt someone for everyo

40、ne.there it was. the truth.no hallmark hope, no twodrink minimum.so how is joe?youve been married for how many years?five.wow.i bet youre thinking, where are the kids? right?its like i said to joe. we can have kids.or we can have gorgeous fabric without chocolate stains.miranda realized its not just

41、 about being sin-gle.everyone has a sore spot that needs a little comedy routine.let alone a poopy diaper.and so miranda laughed.not because it was particularly funny.but because it was kind.they told me you were inside.am i disturbing you?may i join you?i was thinking about you yesterday.you and th

42、e work that you do.i was at the market.theyre le sueur peas.theyre the best.thats very kind.thank you.i have a confession to make.i think about you other places than the mar-ket.do you ever think about me?i believe that god made the body.and its perfect in its splendor.but im not of my body.my life

43、is about other joys.samantha wondered if maybe the hot monkwas her soui mate.as he was certainly unattainable.i arrived at my party after a day of shopping.with no true soui mate.i spent the after-noon with my shoe soui mate.manolo blah-nik.good evening, can i help you?yes, bradshaw, party of 10.you

44、re the first to arrive. follow me, please.its 8:45 p.m.the reservation was for 8:30 p.m., right?thats right. here you go.enjoy.thank you.hi.hi.would you like a drink whilst waiting?ill have a shirley temple, please.once everyone else gets here,well be drinking a lot of champagne.good, great, excelle

45、nt.twenty minutes later, still no party.hi. still alone.did anyone call asking for bradshaw?not that im aware of.let me check with the maitre d.okay, thanks.can i bring you some champagne now?not yet.good, great, excellent.happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday, dear marta happy

46、birthday to you fuck, im old!hi.sorry for holding the table.i cant imagine where everybody is.there is only one ll cantinori, right?yes.okay.the woman with the birthday cake is here.and she needs to be paid.okay.ill just get my purse.after i paid $70 for my own birthday cake.i was totally out of the

47、 party mood.so i decided to go home and kill myself.lady, what are you doing?get off of there!look where youre standing!its wet, get the hell off there!no, the other way!the other way, for chrissakes!for crying out loud.jesus christ! dont pick up the cake!shes picking it up!im sorry!marilyn monroe,

48、do me a fucking favor, get off the road!im sorry!sorry! well bring some beer over, and well haveim sorry! god!by the time i got home.i had fallen into an emotional hole so deep. only a fireman without a collarbone could rescue me.you have 14 messages.honey, im trapped at work, ill be 10 min-utes lat

49、e.the reservation line is busy, ill see you soon.carrie, im in traffic.theyre paving fifth avenue.no one can get through, dont wait for me.happy birthday.im stuck in fucking traffic.i dont know how to spell ii cantinori for the idiot at 411.get a cell phone!carrie, its stanford. im at the wrong plac

50、e.did you know theres a mexican restauran-ton university and 1 1th called ei cantinoro?carrie.okay, im here. they said you just left.where are you? were still here.okay, so now were coming uptown.meet you at the coffee shop in 20 minutes.end of messages.carrie?its just me!its just me, charlotte!i ju

51、st aged 35 more years.what are you doing here?im sorry, i came to take youto the coffee shop.no. im going to bed.im not in the moodto be with a bunch of people.come on, its just the four of us.you have to come, its your birthday.im aware of that.the longer i sat there, the more alone i felt.and it r

52、eally hit me. i am 35 and alone.you are not alone.i know i have you guys, but.and really, i hate myself a little for saying this, but.it felt really sad. not to have a man in my lifewho cares about me.no special guy to wish me happy birthday.no goddamn soul mate.and i dont even know if i believe in

53、soul mates.dont laugh at me, but.maybe we could be each others soul mates.and then we could let men be.just these great, nice guys to have fun with.that sounds like a plan.im 35. 35 is not 25.thank god.im 35.shut the fuck up, im 1 40.happy birthday, baby.get in.its after 1 2:00, youre late.not reall

54、y, im on london time.london is five hours ahead.inthat case, im really fucking late.i cant believe you actually got out of the car and got balloons.i didnt, raoul did.good man.so.how old are you?how old are you?nope.you dont have to give me an exact number.pick a box.30 to 35, 35 to 40. 40 to 45?rea

55、lly?40 to 45.i dont know what youre referring to.i had something in my eye.how do you feel about soul mates?well.i like the word soul.i like the word mate.other than that, you got me.did you have a nice day?i had a fabulous day.good for you.as bigs car drove away, i realized.having three soui mates already nailed down.made it a lot easier.to spot those great,nice guys to have fun with.417 a vogue ideae

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