英语搞笑短剧剧本精选

1、三打白骨精Three Times Beating Monster人物：T唐僧S：孙悟空 E：猪八戒 J：沙僧B：白骨精（何平） B1：B变成的村姑 B2：B变成的太婆B3：B变化成的老头T: Emitofo,do you know where we are now?S: Bajie,map!E: (摸出，递给S)S: Look,boss (凑近T)（T、S一齐转向E）T: Bajie!How Many times I have told you, dont bring these pictures of beautiful girls!E: Oh, boss!Forgive me(伸手拿回)T

2、: (缩手)Ill keep it for you until we reach the westE: ButT: Emitofo,nothing is lust,lust is nothing! Map?E: (递)Here.Em we have arrived in White Tiger Mountain!Ah I cant walk on any more!(坐)My stomach doesnt allow So. S: Fat Pig!E: Monkey,if you dare to say these two words once again,I will ,I will.S:

3、You will what(凶相)?E: (软禁)I will help you catch fleas(跳蚤).S: Hm!T:（轻咳）Wukong,factually,I am a bit hungry Could you go to get me some food?E: You see , boss is hungry,too!T: Baijie!Dont forget who ate my last meal!J: But boss,if a monster comes while brother monkey is away.T: Em.It is a problem.Wukong

4、,do you have any idea?S: No problem!(安装)（B已躲在一旁偷看）J: This is.?S: Electric net!I have learnt the energy of electricity from bosss books. So I made this. No monster can approach you if you stay in it!T: EmWukong, you are becoming more and more scientific! Emitofo, knowledge is power!S: Bye!(走)T: Lets

5、play cards!(三人开始打牌)音乐斗地主B: Hm!Hm!Electric net?You are too childish.(变成B1)B1: (接近三人，望着)Can I join you?J: Im sorry,lady. We are playing Fighting Against landowner and three people are enough.B1: (在一旁观看)Oh,Chance! Bomb!T: Bomb?(打出)B1: Double King!T: Oh.I win! Em,Lady,you are a boss-hand. Come in and te

6、ach me!(准备开电网门)S: (回来，看见B1)Oh,monster!(上前就打)B1: （倒)AhT: (气愤)Wukong! Look what have done! She is my teacher!S: She is a monster!T: Nonsense!(深呼吸)S: Oh,please dontT:Its too late!(唱)Once moreyou open the door(泰坦尼克主题曲，走音离谱)S: Please,Please,oh,no(痛苦抱头)T: (呛住，咳)Wukong,Im disappointed with you!B: (真身出现)Hm!

7、Sun Wukong, Ill teach you a lesson!(变成太婆)B2:Hello,have you seen my daughter?T: Daughter?.(连忙挡住地尸体)No,sorry!(陪笑，B2想看后面是什么，T挡)S: （咬牙切齿）You monster, Ill beat you into hell!(S追打B2,B2躲至T身后，S打，不想打到T头，T晕，S再打死B2)E&J: Are you Ok, boss?(扶T)J: Look,(伸食指)how many?T:Two.(晕乎乎地)Sun Wukong, game over!(变成B3)B3: (看到B

8、1,B2尸体)Oh.,my daughter, my wife! Who did it?!(哭喊)S: Ill kill you, monster!(打)T: （想阻止，未及）You,you(险些晕，E,J扶住 )You have killed three lives!S: No,they are not human beings!They are created by monster!T: Monster?You are a real monster!Never let me see you,go!S: (悲，离去)（音乐，营造 “假”悲伤气氛）人鬼情未了J: boss, brother M

9、onkey isT: Dont mention that guy any more!B: (出现) Ha,ha,ha!(三尸体B1,B2,B3在B招手后“飘”走)T: （惊）You areB: How foolish you are ,Mr Tang!(E,J去阻斗，被击退)B: (抓住T)Ill enjoy your meat and blood,ha,haS: (悄悄走到B后，打B,B晕)A thousand years later.T: Wukong?E: Oh,Brother Monkey!J: Our hero is back!T: I,I cant understandWhat h

10、appened?S: Boss,your IQ needs increasing! This monster changed its appearance into three shapes in order to cheat you!T: How,how did you find out?S: (沉默)Monkeys intuition(直觉)T: Wukong(S不理T)I admit my mistake this time(S仍不理)Im sorry(小声)S: What?T: Im sorry.S: Em? Louder,please?T: Iamsorry(S 捂耳)（音乐响）敢问

11、路在何方（这个放伴奏） (谢幕)孔雀东南飞Wanderseveryfivemiles焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)焦母Johnnysmother(JMforshort)刘母Lunchsmother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayorsson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)Prologue(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)J:EverybodysaysthatImhenpecked,butinfact,Imasstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemywifeisWuSong.(指着

12、上台处的门大声道)Imnotafraidofyou!(内砸出一脸盆,接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,Imafraidofwhom?MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,thanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)Act1(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?L(扎着围裙,

13、拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):Imhere!Whatsupmum?JM:Ivetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law”.L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,whatsup?JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,solazyL:ButJM:Neverinterruptme!L:Neverinte

14、rruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,IhavebeenworkinghardallandJM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,dontyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyourmleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)Act2(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)L:Mum,Imback!LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?L:Iwaskickedoutbymymost

15、beautifulgracefulanddearestmotherin-law.LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!WhenyouinsistedonmarryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlistentome.LookatyourselfL:But,mumLM:Neverinterruptme!L:Mum,Imnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?And

16、Illmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayorssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“IfyoudaughterHaventbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,Illgoandtellhim.(下)L(惊愕):What?Themayorsson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)Act3(J睡眼惺忪上)

17、J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下)Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,Imsohungry!Buttheresnobreakfast!(捡起地上的围裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Nowshehasgone.Ihavetocookformymot

18、herandmyself.JM(上):Wheresmybreakfast?WheresLunch?Hasntshegotupyet?J:Mum,cantyouremember?Lunchhasgone!hisanicegirl,goandtakeherback!J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!Act4(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet(欲踩石头，但踩

19、到了A的脚)AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出角硬币):Is1maoenough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!robthewedding!A&B:Goodidea!J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?Itsimpossible!AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!J

20、:ButLunchismywife!Wehaventgotdivorcedyet!(突然有了主意)Ivegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,dontyou?Illgowithyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.B:Haveyougotanyexperience?vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书，)Act5(转眼已到了婚礼之期MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(J和三强盗跃至台中)ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!A:Theroadisbuil

21、tbyme!B:AndIplantedonetree.C:IfyouwanttogobythisstreetJ:Giveusallyourmoney!(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向MS冲去）(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?L(哭状):Ihurtalot!J:Donllgoandfetcht

22、hemedicine.(下)L(起身去追):Waitforme!(跑下)(音乐起CanYouCelebrate) Big words of western tour （大话西游） Chapter 1Site：The weddingCharacters:牛魔王 、至尊宝、紫霞、小妖Aside: The story begins with a wedding. The Bull King is going to have a concubine.牛：Today is my wedding. I am going to have a concubine. Ha ha ha .妖：Concubine?

23、 Dose your wife agree to it?牛：Oh! She is not lovely anymore. Shes right now at the Flame Mountain. She can do nothing about it!(至尊宝从后台走入人群中)牛：Let me introduce my brother to you! My bro! Come here! This is my brother.(牛深情地转向紫霞)牛：Zixia, listen to me. I think I ve fallen in love with you once I know yo

24、u. I want to show my sincerity. So I request you to marry me in front of my bros. This Pandoras Box is my gift to you. I hope you would say yes.妖：I object!牛：What?妖：Zixia has a means to test her lover. If you can pass it, I will shout up!至：Whats this? Really?妖：This test is that she would marry the gu

25、y who can make her Magic Sword go out of the scabbard.(剑从至的怀中落下)妖：Magic Sword?牛：Let me do this!(紫跑出，拾剑)紫：Its not true! Its just a joke. It is still meaningless even if you can put it out!(紫跑下)妖：King, Iron Fan Princess has come.牛：Aaa(牛惊慌地跑下)Aside: The monkey king leaves the front hall, running to bac

26、k gardenChapter 2Site: Bull Kings back gardenCharacters: 至尊宝、紫霞（至跑过来，突然看到紫独自坐在台阶上，于是走过来）至：Why are you hiding here?(紫抽剑，指向至。两人定格，至走出来，独白)至：At this time, the blade is really close to me, 0.01 cm I think. But after a short period of time, 0.01 second I think, the owner of the sword will fall for me who

27、le-heartedly. Because Ive decided to tell lies, Ive told many lies in my life, but I think it is the most wonderful lie!紫：Ill kill you if you come closer!至：You should kill me! Kill me! Id found my best love, but I didnt treasure her. I left regretful after that. Its the ultimate pain in the world. J

28、ust cut my throat, please dont hesitate! If God can give me a chance, I will tell her there words. “I love you”. If God wants to give a time limit, Ill say this love will last 10 thousand years!（紫长叹，抛剑，拾剑，抱剑）紫：What can you tell your wife?至：I have to tell her the truth. So I must get the Pandoras Box

29、 back. Then go back with you and explain everything. But I hate myself that I cant get the box back. I 紫：I help you!至：No, its dangerous!紫：You dont want to?至：I do! But 紫：I trust you! Ill get the Pandoras Box back tonight. Wait for me here at midnight.(猪喊)至：Let me do something to my boss first. See yo

30、u tonight.（依依不舍）Aside: The night Chapter 3Site: DungeonCharacters: 至尊宝、猪八戒、沙僧、唐僧猪和沙：Master, master(两人同时悄声说)猪：We come to save you.沙：We come to bring you out.唐：I wont go.猪和沙：Stay here? Why?唐：Therere full of obstacles in the way of getting scriptures. This is because were not united enough. So we let t

31、he devils do bad to us. Thats fine. This prison has no difference with the outside world, to me; the outside world is just a bigger prison. You go out first. I have something to tell him.(猪和沙下)唐：You come in and have a sit!至：To be honest, Im not your disciple. I dont want to be your disciple. Master

32、I know youre a good guy. Please let me go!唐：Do you know “dong , dong, dong ”?至：What is “dong, dong, dong”?唐：“dong, dong, dong ” is (唐唱Only you)至：Stop. Stop. I cant take this anymore, please stop 唐：Ohoh 至：Damn you, you Ive said I cant take this anymore. Dont disturb or Ill kill you.唐： Monkey King, yo

33、u can kill me. Life and death are very minor. When you know why you should make sacrifices, you will come back and sing this song with me. Namonitabhaya (至跑走)Aside: The Monkey King succeeds in escaping form the Bull King, and he reaches the Spiders Cave with the Grapes. Unfortunately, the Monkey Kin

34、g and his friends meet the Queen of Spider. The Monkey have heard that if the blade slashed fast and accurately, the guy whos cut open wont die at once. He can still see. So he asks the Queen of the Spider to kill him as fast as she could and to tear his heart out and let him have a look. After the

35、Monkey Kings death, he appears in the Hole of Waterfall Chapter 4Site: The Hole of WaterfallCharacters: 至尊宝、观音至：Goddess. Im about to understand your words. I used my eyes to see in the past. What I was dying. I started using my heart to see this world. Then I could see all things clearly. That girl

36、has left a drop of tear in my heart. I felt her sorrow.观：Have you given up all things in human world?至：Yes! Life and death is just minor! But I dont understand why can humans hatred last 10 years, 50 years, and even 500 years. What hatred is it?观：So that Tang Monk went to the west and got scriptures

37、, which clean out hearts.至：OK, I want to stay here, there are many things waiting for me to do.观：I want to warn you again. After wearing the gold ring, youre no longer a normal human. You cant have human desires anymore. If you do so, the gold ring will get smaller and smaller. Its very uncomfortabl

38、e.至：OK.观：Before wearing the ring, what do you want to say?至：I had had found my best love, but I didnt treasure her. When I lost her, I regret. Its the most pain in the world. If God can give me another chance, I will say there words to her “I love you”! If there is a time limit, I hope, it is 10 tho

39、usand years! 小美人鱼英文剧本THE LITTLE MERMAID本文转自 coffbar ， coffbar 小品剧本，个人简历 简历封面(An ocean. Birds are flying and porpoises are swimming happily.From the fog a ship appears crashing through the waves) Sailors: Ill tell you a tale of the bottomless blueAnd its hey to the starboard, heave hoLook out, lad, a

40、 mermaid be waitin for youIn mysterious fathoms below.Eric: Isnt this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face . . .a perfect day to be at sea!Grimsby: (Leaning over side.) Oh yes . . . delightful . . . .Sailor 1: A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in afriendl

41、y-type mood.Eric: King Triton?Sailor 2: Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knewabout him.Grimsby: Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense.Sailor 2: But it aint nonsense, its the truth! Im tellin you, down in thedepths o the ocean they live. (He gestures w

42、ildly, Fish in his hand flopsaway and lands back in the ocean, relieved.)Sailors: Heave. ho. Heave, ho. In mysterious fathoms below. (Fish sighs andswims away.)(Titles. Various fish swimming. Merpeople converge on a great underseapalace, filling concert hall inside. Fanfare ensues.)Seahorse: Ahem .

43、. . His royal highness, King Triton! (Triton enters dramatically to wild cheering.) And presenting the distinguished courtcomposer, Horatio Thelonious Ignatius Crustaceous Sebastian! (Sebastianenters to mild applause.)Triton: Im really looking forward to this performance, Sebastian.Sebastian: Oh, Yo

44、ur Majesty, this will be the finest concert I have ever con-ducted. Your daughters - they will be spectacular!Triton: Yes, and especially my little Ariel.Sebastian: Yes, yes, she has the most beautiful voice. . . . sotto If onlyshed show up for rehearsals once in a while. . . . (He proceeds to podiu

45、mand begins to direct orchestra.)Tritons daughters: Ah, we are the daughters of Triton.Great father who loves us and named us well:Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Atina, Adella, Allana.And then there is the youngest in her musical debut,Our seventh little sister, were presenting her to you,To sing a song S

46、ebastian wrote, her voice is like a bell,Shes our sister, Ar-i . . . (Shell opens to reveal that Ariel is absent.)Triton: (Very angry.) Ariel!(Cut to Ariel looking at sunken ship.)Flounder: (From distance.) Ariel, wait for me . . .Ariel: Flounder, hurry up!Flounder: (Catching up.) You know I cant sw

47、im that fast.Ariel: There it is. Isnt it fantastic?Flounder: Yeah . . . sure . . . it - its great. Now lets get outta here.Ariel: Youre not getting cold fins now, are you?Flounder: Who, me? No way. Its just, it, err . . . it looks - damp in there.Yeah. And I think I may be coming down with something

48、. Yeah, I got thiscough. (Flounder coughs unconvincingly)Ariel: All right. Im going inside. You can just stay here and - watch forsharks. (She goes inside.)Flounder: O.K. Yeah - you go. Ill stay and - what? Sharks! Ariel!(He tries to fit through porthole.) Ariel . . . I cant . . . I mean-Ariel help!

49、Ariel: (Laughs.) Oh, Flounder.Flounder: (Wispering.)Ariel, do you really think there might be sharks aroundhere? (Shark passes outside.)Ariel: Flounder, dont be such a guppy.Flounder: Im not a guppy. (Gets pulled through porthole.)This is great - Imean, I really love this. Excitement, adventure, dan

50、ger lurking around every corn- YAAAAHHHHHHHH! Ariel! (He sees a skull, crashes into pillarcausing cave in, and swims frantically away, knocking over Ariel.)Ariel: Oh, are you okay?Flounder: Yeah sure, no problem, Im okay . . .Ariel: Shhh . . . (Seeing a fork.) Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Have you everse

51、en anything so wonderful in your entire life?Flounder: Wow, cool! But, err, what is it?Ariel: I dont know. But I bet Scuttle will.(Puts fork in bag. Skark swims by outside.)Flounder: What was that? Did you hear something?Ariel: (Distracted by pipe.) Hmm, I wonder what this one is?Flounder: Ariel . .

52、 Ariel: Flounder, will you relax. Nothing is going to happen.Flounder: (Seeing Shark looming behind him.) AAHHHH! Run! Run! Weregonna die! (Shark chases them all around. Ariels bag is hung up. Shegoes back for it. Shark almost gets them. They head for porthole.) Oh No!(They crash through and go roun

53、d and round. Flounder gets knocked silly but Ariel saves him and traps Shark) You big bully. THBBBTTTT . . .(Shark snaps at him and he swims away.)Ariel: (Laughing.) Flounder, you really are a guppy.Flounder: I am not.(On surface. Scuttle on his island humming and looking through histelescope.)Ariel

54、: Scuttle!Scuttle: (Looking through the telescope the wrong way, shouting.) Whoa!Mermaid off the port bow! Ariel, how you doin kid? (Lowers telescope toreveal Ariel at wings length.) Whoa, what a swim! Ariel: Scuttle - look what we found.Flounder: Yeah - we were in this sunken ship - it was really c

55、reepy.Scuttle: Human stuff, huh? Hey, lemme see. (Picks up fork.) Look at this.Wow - this is special - this is very, very unusual.Ariel: What? What is it?Scuttle: Its a dinglehopper! Humans use these little babies . . . tostraighten their hair out. See - just a little twirl here an a yank there and

56、- voiolay! You got an aesthetically pleasing configurationof hair that humans go nuts over!Ariel: A dinglehopper!Flounder: What about that one?Scuttle: (Holding pipe) Ah - this I havent seen in years. This is wonderful!A banded, bulbous - snarfblat.Ariel and Flounder: Oohhh.Scuttle: Now, the snarfbl

57、at dates back to prehistorical times, when humans usedto sit around, and stare at each other all day. Got very boring. So, theyinvented the snarfblat to make fine music. Allow me.(Scuttle blows into the pipe; seaweed pops out the other end.)Ariel: Music? Oh, the concert! Oh my gosh, my fathers gonna

58、 kill me!Flounder: The concert was today?Scuttle: (Still contemplating pipe.) Maybe you could make a little planterout of it or somethin.Ariel: Uh, Im sorry, Ive gotta go. Thank you Scuttle. (Waves.)Scuttle: Anytime sweetie, anytime.(Cut to Flotsam and Jetsam, then Ursula in background watching magi

59、cprojection of Ariel swimming.)Ursula: Yeeeeeees, hurry home, princess. We wouldnt want to miss old daddyscelebration, now, would we? Huh! Celebration indeed. Bah! In MY day, wehad fantastical feasts when I lived in the palace. And now, look at me -wasted away to practically nothing - banished and e

60、xiled and practicallystarving, while he and his flimsy fish-folk celebrate. Well, Ill give emsomething to celebrate soon enough. Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep anextra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the keyto Tritons undoing. . . .(Fade to the palace throne room w