英语幽默故事

PAGEPAGE34英语幽默故事新发现Ahillbillywasvisitingthebigcityforthefirsttime.Enteringanofficebuilding,hesawapudgyolderwomanstepintoasmallroom.Thedoorsclosed,lightsflashed,andafterawhilethedoorslidopenandabeautifulyoungmodelsteppedofftheelevator.一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼，看见一个岁数很大的矮胖女人迈进一个小房间。房间的门随后关上，有几个灯在闪亮。一会儿，门开了，电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。Blinkinginamazement,thehillbillydrawled,"Ishouldhavebroughtmywife!"乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛，慢吞吞地说：“我应该把我的老婆带来!”FirstFlight第一次坐飞机Mr.Johnsonhadneverbeenupinanaerophanebefore，soonedaywhenafriendofferedtotakehimforarideinhisownsmallphane,Mr.Johnsonwasveryworriedaboutaccepting.Finally,however,hisfriendpersuadedhimthatitwasverysafe,andMr.Johnsonboardedtheplane.约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。Hisfriendstartedtheengineandbegantotaxiontotherunwayoftheairport.Mr.Johnsonhadheardthatthemostdangerouspartofaflightwerethetake-offandthelanding,sohewasextremelyfrightenedandclosedhiseyes.他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。Afteraminuteortwoheopenedthemagain,lookedoutofthewindowoftheplane,andsaidtohisfriend,"Lookatthosepeopledownthere.Theylookassmallasants,don'tthey?"过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”"Thoseareants,"answeredhisfriend."We'restillontheground."“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”老年公民坐巴士。Myhusband，Michael，abusdriver，waspassingadesertedbusstopwhenoneofhispassengerscalledoutthatawomanwantedtogeton.

Hepulleduptothecurbandopenedthedoors.我丈夫，麦克是个开大巴士的。一次当他刚要开过一个无人上下车的车站时，一位乘客喊过有位老妇人要上车。麦克把车停靠在马路边，打开了车门。Afteraminute，Michaelsawanelderlywomanwithacanecrossingthestreetslowly.

过了足有一分钟，麦克才见到一位老太太拄着拐杖，慢腾腾地过着马路朝车子走来。Hewaitedpatientlyasshemadeherwaytothebusandclimbedthesteps.麦克衬心地等她来到汽车旁上着台阶。Whileshewaslookinginherpurseforherbuspass，hebegantoclosethedoors.”Waitaminute!”shesnapped."Mymother'scoming.”趁老太太打开钱包找月票的工夫，麦克欲关门，老妇人阻止道:“等一会，我妈妈还在后面呢！”354航班。AfellowpilotflyingovertheMidwestheardanair-trafficcontrollertryingtocontactanairlinerfornormalfrequencychange.“Flight354，“saidthecontroller，"contactKansasCityCenteronfrequency135.5.“Therequestwasrepeatedseveraltimeswithnoreplyfromthepilot.Finally，inexasperationthecontrollerraisedhisvoice."Flight354，SimonsayscontactKansasCityCenteronfrequency135.5.”Thecallwasacknowledgedwithanemharrassedreplyandpromptcompliance.一名飞行员在中西部上空听到地面指挥塔的指挥员在呼叫一民航调整其正常接收频率。"354航班，”指挥塔在呼叫，“请与堪萨斯市中心135.5频率联系。”这一指令重复了几次之后，竟没得到任何回音。最后，指挥塔的指挥员显然是被激怒了，他大声地锐:"354航班，西蒙说速与135.5预率联系。”这一声显然奏效，只听对方慌忙地做了回答并迅速服从了指挥。”是pig还是witch。Amanisdrivingupasteep,narrowmountainroad.awomanisdrivingdownthesameroad.Astheypasseachother,thewomanleansoutofthewindowandyells"pig!!"Themanimmediatelyleansoutofhiswindowandreplies,"witch!!"Theyeachcontinueontheirway,andasthemanroundsthenextcorner,hecrashesintoapiginthemiddleoftheroad.

ifonlymenwouldlisten.一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。大五个月。TheSecondWorldWarhadbegun,andJohnwantedtojointhearmy,buthewasonly16yearsold,andboyswereallowedtojoinonlyiftheywereover18.Sowhenthearmydoctorexaminedhim,hesaidthathewas18.ButJohn‘sbrotherhadjoinedthearmyafewdaysbefore,andthesamedoctorhadexaminedhimtoo.Thisdoctorrememberedtheolderboy‘sfamilyname,sowhenhesawJohn‘spapers,hewassurprised."Howoldareyou?"hesaid."Eighteen,sir,"saidJohn."Butyourbrotherwaseighteen,too,"saidthedoctor."Areyoutwins?""Oh,no,sir,"saidJohn,andhisfacewentred."MybrotherisfivemonthsolderthanIam."第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。“你多大了?”军医问。“十八，长官。”约翰说。“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”你女朋友的地址是-？Twosoldierswereincamp.Thefirstone‘snamewasGeorge,andthesecondone‘snamewasBill.Georgesaid,"haveyougotapieceofpaperandanenvelope,Bill?"军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”Billsaid,"Yes,Ihave,"andhegavethemtohim.比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。ThenGeorgesaid,"NowIhaven‘tgotapen."Billgavehimhis,andGeorgewrotehisletter.Thenheputitintheenvelopeandsaid,"haveyougotastamp,Bill?"Billgavehimone.乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。ThenBillgotupandwenttothedoor,soGeorgesaidtohim,"Areyougoingout?"这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”BillSaid,"Yes,Iam,"andheopenedthedoor.比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。Georgesaid,"Pleaseputmyletterintheboxintheoffice,and..."Hestopped.乔治说：“请帮我把封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。"Whatdoyouwantnow?"Billsaidtohim.“你还要什么?”比尔问。Georgelookedattheenvelopeofhisletterandanswered,"What‘syourgirl-friend‘saddress?"乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是-?”中间战术Threecompetingstoreownersrentedadjoiningshopsinamall.Observerswaitedformayhemtoensue.三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。Theretailerontherightputuphugesignssaying,"GiganticSale!"and"SuperBargains!"右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”Thestoreontheleftraisedbiggersignsproclaiming,"PricesSlashed!"and"FantasticDiscounts!"左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”Theownerinthemiddlethenpreparedalargesignthatsimplystated,"ENTRANCE".中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。布告栏Mysecretarybegantopostunusualnewsarticles,cartoonsandpicturesoffarawaylandsonourofficebulletinboard.

我的秘书开始在我们办公室的布告栏里张贴一些奇持的新闻、卡通和风景画等。Althoughshechangedtheitemsonaregularbasis，noonementionedherefforts.Eventuallysheputupanoticestatingthatshewouldgiveonedollartothefirstpersonwhoreadtheannouncementandinformedheraboutit.

按时更换，但从未有人提到过她所做出的努力。终于她贴出了一张告示说，谁要是第一个看到她贴的通知，就可以告诉她，那个人就能从她那里得到一美元。Twoweekslater,shereceivedherfirstacknowledgement，ahandwrittenreplyleftonherdesk:"IjustwantedyoutoknowhowmuchIenjoyyourinterestingbulletinboard.TheCleaningLady.”两周后，她接到了第一个正式的通知。在她的桌上留着一张字条:“我只想让你知道，我非常喜欢看那有趣的布告栏。清洁工。”可爱的称呼

Berniewasinvitedtohisfriend'shomefordinner.Morris,thehost,precededeveryrequesttohiswifebyendearingterms,callingherHoney,MyLove,Darling,Sweetheart,etc.BernielookedatMorrisandremarked,"Thatisreallynice,thatafteralltheseyearsthatyouhavebeenmarried,andyoukeepcallingyourwifethosepetnames."Morrishunghisheadandwhispered,"Totellthetruth,Iforgothernamethreeyearsago."

Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”老虎来了Twoguyswerewalkingthroughthejungle.Allofasudden,atigerappearsfromadistance,runningtowardsthem.Oneoftheguystakesoutapairof"Nikes"fromhisbagandstartstoputthemon.Theotherguywithasurprisedlookandexclaims,"Doyouthinkyouwillrunfasterthanthetigerwiththose?"Hisfriendreplies:"Idon'thavetooutrunit,Ijusthavetorunfasterthanyou."两个男人正在穿过丛林，突然，一只老虎出现在远处，向他们冲来。其中的一个人从包里拿出一双“耐克”鞋，开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说，“你以为穿上这个就可以跑得过老虎吗？”他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得过它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。”LadyFirst女士优先teacheraskedherclass:"Isthesentence'Theoxandthecowareinthefields'correct?"Mostofthechildrensaid:"Yes,itisallright!"Andonlyonelittleboysaid:"No,itisnotcorrect.Theladymustbementionedfirst."一位老师问班上的学生：”公牛和母牛在田里“这个句子对吗？”大多数学生回答说：“对，一点不错。”只有一个小男孩说：“不对，应该先说女士。”金发姑娘的狗Agirlwasvisitingherblondefriend,whohadacquiredtwonewdogs,andaskedherwhattheirnameswere.一个女孩去拜访她的金发朋友，这个朋友最近养了两只“狗”，于是女孩问道：“它们叫什么名字呀？”TheblonderespondedbysayingthatonewasnamedRolexandonewasnamedTimex.金发朋友说，一只叫Rolex，另一只叫Timex。Herfriendsaid,"Whoeverheardofsomeonenamingdogslikethat?女孩说：“哪有狗狗叫这个名字的。”"HELLLOOOOOOO..."answeredtheblonde."They'rewatchdogs!"“那个……”金发朋友说。“他们是监视器！”上班狗Asalesmandroppedintoseeabusinesscustomer.Notasoulwasintheofficeexceptabigdogemptyingwastebaskets.Thesalesmanstaredattheanimal,wonderingifhisimaginationcouldbeplayingtricksonhim.Thedoglookedupandsaid,“Don'tbesurprised.Thisisjustpartofmyjob.”一个销售员要去见客户。但是办公室里只有一只狗在叼着垃圾桶里的东西。销售员心想，这一定是在和我开玩笑。这时狗抬起头，说：“不要惊讶，这也是我的工作。”“Incredible!”exclaimedtheman.“Ican'tbelieveit!Doesyourbossknowwhataprizehehasinyou?Ananimalthatcantalk!”“不可思议！”销售员叫道。“这不可能！你们老板知道他拥有什么吗！一只会说话的动物！”“No,no,”pleadedthedog.“Pleasedon't!IfhefindsoutIcantalk,he'llmakemeanswerthephoneaswell!”“不不，”狗哀求道，“千万别说！如果他发现我可以说话，他会让我也去接电话的！”两只蜜蜂Twobeesmetinafield.Onesaidtotheother,"Howarethingsgoing?""Reallybad,"saidthesecondbee."Theweatherhasbeencold,wetanddamp,andtherearen'tanyflowers,soIcan'tmakehoney."两只蜜蜂在一块田里相遇了。一只说：“最近怎么样啊？”“不怎么样。”另一只说，“天气凉了又潮湿，花都不开了，我也没法采蜜了。”"Noproblem,"saidthefirstbee."Justflydownfiveblocksandturnleft.Keepgoinguntilyouseeallthecars.There'saBarMitzvahgoingonandthereareallkindsoffreshflowersandfreshfruit."“没事的，”第一只蜜蜂说，“飞五个街区然后左转。看到汽车之前都一直向前飞。有一个戒酒会，那里有各种鲜花和水果。”"Thanksforthetip,"saidthesecondbee,andflewaway.“谢啦，”第二只蜜蜂说，飞走了。Afewhourslaterthetwobeesranintoeachotheragain.Thefirstbeeasked,"How'ditgo?"几个小时后这两只蜜蜂又相遇了。第一只蜜蜂问：“怎么样啊？”"Great!"saidthesecondbee."Itwaseverythingyousaiditwouldbe.Therewasplentyoffruitand,oh,suchhugefloralarrangementsoneverytable."“太棒了！”第二只蜜蜂说，“你说的都成真了。有好多水果，每张桌子上都有许多盛开的花。”"Uh,what'sthatthingonyourhead?"askedthefirstbee.“哦，你头顶上是什么？”第一只蜜蜂说。"That'smyyarmulke,"saidthesecondbee."Ididn'twantthemtothinkIwasaWASP."“是我的圆顶小帽，”第二只蜜蜂说。“我不想让他们觉得我是一个易动怒的人。”注：WASP有两重含义：1.黄蜂；2.易动怒的人。子夜猫Aladyhadabeautifulblackcat,Midnight,whospenthisdaysoutsideandcameindoorsatnight.一位女士拥有一只非常美丽的黑猫，叫做子夜，它会在晚上跑出去玩一阵，再回家来。Onecrispfalleveninghedisappeared.然而在一个凉爽的傍晚，它消失了。Theladysearchedforhiminvain.女士苦苦找寻而徒劳无功。Thefollowingspring,however,Mdnightreappeared,lookinghealthyandclean.Shefiguredhe'dbeensowinghiswildoats.第二年春天，子夜又回来了，看上去干净又健康的样子。。女士想着：它大概在外面种了燕麦吧。Everythingwasbacktonormal,untilthatfall,whenMidnightdisappearedagain.一切如旧，直到这年秋天，子夜又消失了。Thenextspring,hereturned.Perplexedtheladywentdoortodoorquestioningothersinthearea.再接下来的春天，它又回来了。女士感到十分困惑，一家一家地询问附近的邻居。Finallysherangthebellofanoldercouple.最终她按响了一对老夫妇的门铃。"Ablackcat?"theoldwomansaid,"Ohyes,MyhusbandandIhatedtoseehimoutinthecold,soweboughtacatcarrier.WetakehimtoFlorida“一只黑猫？”老妇人说，“啊，是的。我们夫妇俩不想让它在外面挨冻，于是我们就买了一个猫笼，每年冬天都带它去弗洛里达。”鸡肉惊吓AcouplegoforamealataChineserestaurantandorderthe"ChickenSurprise".Thewaiterbringsthemeal,servedinaliddedcastironpot.一堆夫妇去中餐馆吃饭，点了一个“鸡肉惊吓”。服务员上菜了，拿上来一个铸造的铁罐。Justasthewifeisabouttoserveherself,thelidofthepotrisesslightlyandshebrieflyseestwobeadylittleeyeslookingaroundbeforethelidslamsbackdown.正当妻子准备开动的时候，罐子的盖子轻轻地升起来了一点，盖子又落下去前她只看到两只亮晶晶的小眼睛正四处看。"Goodgrief,didyouseethat?"sheasksherhusband.“天呐，你看到了吗？”她问丈夫。Hehasn't,sosheaskshimtolookinthepot.Hereachesforitandagainthelidrises,andheseestwolittleeyeslookingaroundbeforeitslamsdown.丈夫没有，于是妻子让丈夫一直盯着这个罐子。他伸出手去，而盖子又起来了，他也看到了那两只亮晶晶的小眼睛。Ratherperturbed,hecallsthewaiterover,explainswhatishappening,anddemandsanexplanation.他不安地叫来了服务员，告诉了他看到的事情，要求一个解释。"Pleasesir,"saysthewaiter,"whatyouorder?"Thehusbandreplies,"ChickenSurprise."“好的先生，”服务员说，“您点了什么？”丈夫回答：“鸡肉惊吓”"Ah...sosorry,"saysthewaiter,"IbringyouPeekingDuck."“啊…不好意思”服务员说，“我给您上的是北京烤鸭。”吃树根和树叶Apandawalksintoarestaurant,sitsdownandordersasandwich.Afterhefinisheseatingthesandwich,thepandapullsoutagunandshootsthewaiter,andthenstandsuptogo."Hey!"shoutsthemanager."Whereareyougoing?Youjustshotmywaiterandyoudidn'tpayforyoursandwich!"一只熊猫走进一家参观，要了一个三明治。吃完以后，熊猫掏出一把手枪，打中了服务员，站起来准备走。“嘿！”经理叫道，“你还想去哪？你打中了我的服务员而且你没付钱！”Thepandayellsbackatthemanager,"Heyman,IamaPANDA!Lookitup!"熊猫也叫道：“诶你怎么回事啊，我是熊猫！看清楚啊！”Themanageropenshisdictionaryandseesthefollowingdefinitionforpanda:"Atree-dwellingmarsupialofAsianorigin,characterisedbydistinctblackandwhitecolouring.Eatsshootsandleaves."经理打开字典，查到了熊猫的定义：“一种住在树上的有袋类亚洲动物，以分明的黑色和白色皮毛为特征。吃树根和树叶。”企鹅和动物园Amanisdrivingdownthefreewaywithhistwopetpenguinswhenhegetspulledoverbyacopforspeeding.Afterthecophandsoverthespeedingtickettothedriver,henoticesthe2penguins.Thecopinformsthedriverthathemusttakethepenguinstothezoo.Thedriveragreestodoso.一个人带着两只宠物企鹅在高速公路上开车，然后因为超速被一个警察抄了牌子。警察将超速罚单交给他时，他注意到了这两只企鹅，并告诉这个人，必须把企鹅带去动物园。这个人同意了。Twomonthslater,thesamemanispulledoverbythesamecopforspeeding.Thecopnoticesthepenguinsagainonlynowtheyarewearingsunglassesandeatingicecream.两个月后，这个人又被同一个警察因为超速逮到了。警察再一次注意到了企鹅，它们还戴着太阳眼镜，吃着冰激凌。Thecopsays,"IthoughtItoldyoutotakethosepenguinstothezoo."警察说：“我是不是已经告诉你要把这些企鹅带去动物园了。”Themanresponds,"Ididtakethemtothezoo,nowI'mtakingthemtothebeach."这个人回答道，“我确实带了它们去动物园呀，现在我带它们去沙滩。”兔子与蛇Ablindrabbitandablindsnakemeeteachother.Neitheronerememberswhatkindofanimaltheyare,sotheydecidetofeeleachother.一只瞎眼的兔子和一只瞎眼的蛇相遇了。它们俩都知道自己是什么动物，但不知道对方是什么，于是它们都决定试试对方Therabbitsays,"Youfeelmefirst."Thesnakesaysokay,andhestartsfeelingtherabbit.兔子说：“你先摸摸我。”蛇同意了，它摸了一下兔子。Hesays,"Well,youhavefurallover,andalittlecottontail,andtwolongears,andbigbackfeet..."蛇说：“额，你全身都有皮毛，有一个小棉球似的尾巴，耳朵很长，后腿很粗壮…”Therabbitsays,"Iknow!I'marabbit!Yippee!"Thentherabbitfeelsthesnake.兔子说，“我知道！我是只兔子！耶！”然后兔子摸了一下蛇。Hesays,"Okay,you'relongandthin,andslimyallover,andthere'salittleforkedtongue..."兔子说，“好吧，你长长的细细的，全身都滑溜溜的，还有一根分叉的舌头…”Thesnakesays,"Ohno!I'malawyer."蛇说：“不！我是个律师”岳母Abig-gamehunterwentonsafariwithhiswifeandmother-in-law.Oneevening,whilestilldeepinthejungle,theMrsawoketofindhermothergone.Rushingtoherhusband,sheinsistedonthembothtryingtofindhermother.一位职业猎人带着妻子和岳母一块去游猎。一个傍晚，丛林深处，夫人突然发现母亲不见了。她坚持两个人都要努力去找到母亲。Thehunterpickeduphisrifle,tookaswigofwhiskey,andstartedtolookforher.Inaclearingnotfarfromthecamp,theycameuponachillingsight:themother-in-lawwasbackedupagainstathick,impenetrablebush,andalargemalelionstoodfacingher.猎人拿起了他的来福，喝了一大口威士忌，开始找人。在营地不远处，他们看到了一个令人震惊的地方：岳母背对着一大丛灌木，一只雄狮正看着她。Thewifecried,"Whatarewegoingtodo?"夫人哭道：“我们该怎么办？”"Nothing,"saidthehunterhusband."Theliongothimselfintothismess,lethimgethimselfoutofit."“没什么”，猎人丈夫说道，“狮子自己走进这么乱的地方的，让他自己出来吧。”与奶牛打高尔夫Amanstaggersintoanemergencyroomwithtwoblackeyesandafiveironwrappedtightlyaroundhisthroat.一个男人摇摇晃晃地走进了急诊室，两个眼睛是青的，脖子上有明显的五指印。Naturallythedoctoraskshimwhathappened."Well,itwaslikethis,"saidtheman."Iwashavingaquietroundofgolfwithmywifewhensheslicedherballintoapastureofcows.医生问他发生了什么。“额，是这样的，”这个人说。“我和我老婆来了几局高尔夫，她把球打到一个牛群里。”"WewenttolookforitandwhileIwasrootingaround,Inoticedoneofthecowshadsomethingwhiteatitsrearend.“我们去找这个球，我四下搜索，发现一头牛的屁股后面有个白色的东西。”"Iwalkedoverandliftedupthetailandsureenough,therewasmywife'sgolfball--stuckrightinthemiddleofthecow'sbutt.That'swhenImademymistake."“我走过去，举起了它的尾巴想看清楚，我老婆的球就卡在牛的屁股中间。然后我犯了一个错误。”"Whatdidyoudo?"asksthedoctor.“你干嘛了？”医生问。"Well,Iliftedthetailandyelledtomywife,'Hey,thislookslikeyours!'"“额，我举起了牛的尾巴，对我老婆喊道，'这个好像是你的！'”鸡舍ThepriestinasmallIrishvillagewasveryfondofthechickenshekeptinthehenhouseoutthebackoftheparishrectory.Hehadacockroosterandabouttenhens.在一个小小的爱尔兰村庄中，牧师非常地喜爱鸡舍中的小鸡。鸡舍位于教区后面，里面有一只公鸡，十只母鸡。OneSaturdaynightthecockroosterwasmissingandthepriestsuspectedthatitwasbecausecockfightswerebeingheldinthevillage.Sohedecidedtodosomethingaboutitatchurchthenextmorning.然而，公鸡在一个星期六的晚上不见了，牧师怀疑可能是因为村里举办了斗鸡比赛。他谋划在第二天早晨去教堂做些事情。AtMass,heaskedthecongregation,"Hasanybodygotacock?"Allthemenstoodup.当着大家的面，他问道：“谁有一只公鸡吗？”所有的男人都站了起来。"No,No,"hesaid,"thatwasn'twhatImeant.Hasanybodyseenacock?"Allthewomenstoodup.“不是的，”他说，“我不是那个意思，有谁见到过一只公鸡吗？”所有的女人都站了起来。"No,No,"hesaid,"thatwasn'twhatImeant.Hasanybodyseenacockthatdoesn'tbelongtothem?"Halfthewomenstoodup.“不是的！”他说，“我不是那个意思。有谁见过一只不属于自己的公鸡吗？”半数的女人站了起来。"No,No,"hesaid,"thatwasn'twhatImeant.Hasanybodyseenmycock?"Allthealtarboysstoodup.“不是的。”他说，“我也不是那个意思。有谁见过我的公鸡吗？”所有的侍者男孩都站了起来。如何清洗一只猫Thoroughlycleanthetoilet.Addtherequiredamountofshampootothetoiletwater,andhavebothlidslifted.Obtainthecatandsoothehimwhileyoucarryhimtowardsthebathroom.仔细地打扫卫生间。在马桶中加入适量的洗发乳，打开盖子。带猫去卫生间的时候，小心地安慰它。Inonesmoothmovement,putthecatinthetoiletandclosebothlids(youmayneedtostandonthelidsothathecannotescape).麻溜地把猫丢进马桶，盖上盖子（你可能需要站在盖子上，以防它逃脱）。CAUTION!!!!!一定要小心！！！！Donotgetanypartofyourbodytooclosetotheedge,ashispawswillbereachingoutforanypurchasetheycanfind.不要太靠近边缘，它的爪子可能会伸出来抓住任何可以抓住的东西。Flushthetoiletthreeorfourtimes.冲洗马桶三到四次。Havesomeoneopenthedoortotheoutsideandensurethattherearenopeoplebetweenthetoiletandtheoutsidedoor.让其他的某人打开出去的门，确保马桶和外门间没有人。Standbehindthetoiletasfarasyoucan,andquicklyliftbothlids.Thenow-cleancatwillrocketoutofthetoilet,andrunoutsidewherehewilldryhimself.站得离马桶尽量远一点，快速地打开盖子。洗干净的猫会从马桶里发射出来并跑出去，然后会去某个地方擦干自己。Sincerely,真诚的，TheDOG狗鹿的足迹Twolawyerswereouthuntingwhentheycameuponapairoftracks.Theystoppedandexaminedthetracksclosely.两个律师一同去打猎。有一次，他们俩发现了一连串脚印，于是仔细检查起来。Thefirstlawyerannounced,"Thosearedeertracks.It'sdeerseason,soweshouldfollowthetracksandfindourprey."第一个律师说“这些是小鹿（deer）的脚印。因为现在是小鹿活动的时候，我们应该跟着脚步走，这样就能发现猎物！”Thesecondlawyerresponded,"Thoseareclearlyelktracks,andelkareoutofseason.Ifwefollowyouradvice,we'llwastetheday."第二个律师回答说：“这显然是驼鹿(elk)的脚印，而现在已经不是驼鹿的活动季节了。如果听你的，今天就相当于啥都没干了。”Eachattorneybelievedhimselftobethesuperiorwoodsman,andtheybothbitterlystucktotheirguns.两个律师都觉得自己是对的，他们都忠于自己的看法。Theywerestillarguingwhenthetrainhitthem.直到被一大堆鹿冲撞开来。双语鹦鹉Sothisguygoesintoapetstoreandseesabeautifulparrotbutithasabluestringhandingfromonefootandaredonefromtheother.Hethinksthisisalittlestrangesoheaskstheshopkeeperwhatthestringsarefor.有个人在宠物店发现了一只美丽的鹦鹉，但是它的一只脚上牵着蓝色的绳子，而另一只牵着红色的。这个人觉得有些奇怪，就去问店主绳子是做什么的？"Wellthisisahighlytrainedparrot"theshopkeeperreplies."IfyoupulltheredstringhetalksinFrench,ifyoupullthebluestringhetalksinEnglish".“噢，这是一只训练有素的鹦鹉。”店主回答道。“如果你拉动红绳子，它会讲法语，如果你拉动蓝绳子，它就讲英语”"Wow"exclaimsthemanshopping,"That'sreallyneat.Whathappensifyoupullthembothatthesametime?"“哇塞，”这个人感到很惊讶。“太厉害了。那如果你同时拉呢？”"Ifalloffmyperchyouidiot!"exclaimstheparrot.“我会从架子上跌倒的！你个笨蛋！”鹦鹉回答道。狗热AlittlegirlaskedherMom,"Mom,mayItakethedogforawalkaroundtheblock?"一个小女孩问她的妈妈，“妈妈，我可以带狗狗去街角散步吗？”Momreplies,"No,becausesheisinheat."妈妈回答说，“不，因为她有些热。”"What'sthatmean?"askedthechild.“那是什么意思？”小女孩问。"Goaskyourfather",answeredthemother,"Ithinkhe'sinthegarage."“问你爸爸去吧，”妈妈回答道，“他应该在车库里。”Thelittlegirlgoestothegarageandsays,"Dad,mayItakeBelleforawalkaroundtheblock?IaskedMom,butshesaidthedogwasinheat,andtocometoyou."于是小女孩就去了车库里，说“爸爸，我可以带Belle去街角散散步吗？我问了妈妈，但她说狗狗有些热，让我来问问你。”Dadsaid,"BringBelleoverhere."Hetookarag,soakeditwithgasoline,andscrubbedthedog'sbacksidewithitandsaid,"Okay,youcangonow,butkeepBelleontheleashandonlygoonetimearoundtheblock."爸爸说，“把Belle带过来吧。”他拿了跟布条，用汽油浸过，然后绑在了狗狗的背上用力擦了擦狗狗的背，说“好了，你现在可以去了，但是得一直拿着Belle的皮带，并且只能在街角走一次。”Thelittlegirlleft,andreturnedafewminuteslaterwithnodogontheleash.Surprised,Dadasked,"Where'sBelle?"小女孩离开了，几分钟后便回来了，狗没有一起回来。爸爸感到很惊讶，问道，“Belle呢？”Thelittlegirlsaid,"Sheranoutofgasabouthalfwaydowntheblock,soanotherdogispushingherhome."小女孩说，“她半路就把背上的汽油挥发光了，然后另外一只狗就'奋勇前进'了。”孤独的青蛙Alonelyfrog,desperateforanyformofcompany,telephonedthePsychicHotlinetofindoutwhathisfuturehasinstore.一只孤独的青蛙，对所有形式的陪伴都感到绝望，于是它拨打了心理咨询热线，想要知道它的未来还有什么样的可能。HisPersonalPsychicAdvisoradviseshim,"Youaregoingtomeetabeautifulyounggirlwhowillwanttoknoweverythingaboutyou."它的个人心理咨询顾问对它说，“你会遇见一位美丽的姑娘，她会想要知道所有关于你的事情”Thefrogisthrilledandsays,"Thisisgreat!WherewillImeether,atwork,ataparty?"青蛙感到万分激动，说：“太好了！我会在哪遇见她？工作的时候？还是在晚宴上？”"No"saysthepsychic,"inaBiologyclass."“不，”顾问说，“在生物课上。”请来两只狗TwoScottishnunshadjustarrivedtotheUSbyboatwhenonesaidtotheother,"Iheardthattheoccupantsofthiscountryactuallyeatdogs."两个苏格兰修女刚刚坐船来到美国，其中一个修女对另外一个说，“我听说这个国家的人们是吃狗肉的。”"Odd,"hercompanionreplied,"butifweshallliveinAmerica,wemightaswelldoastheAmericansdo."“真奇怪”，她的同伴回答道，“不过如果我们也生活在美国，我们可能会做一样的事情啊。”Noddingemphatically,themothersuperiorpointedtoahotdogvendorandtheybothwalkedtowardsit.这位年长修女认真地点了点头，指向了一个热狗摊，她们俩一同走了过去。"Twodogs,please,"saidone.“两只狗，谢谢。”一位说。Thevendorwasonlytoopleasedtoobligeandhewrappedbothhotdogsinfoil.Excited,thenunshurriedovertoabenchandbegantounwraptheir'dogs.'摊贩主很开心，他把两个热狗都包了起来。两位修女飞快地到一个长凳上坐下，打开了她们的“狗”。Themothersuperiorwasfirsttoopenhers,then,staredatitforamoment,leanedovertotheothernunandwhisperedcautiously,"Whatpartdidyouget?"年长的修女先打开了她的，然后，仔细地凝视了一会，向另外一位修女靠了过去，小心地耳语道“你拿到哪个部分了？”破冰捕鱼Ablonddecidestogoicefishingoneday.Shetakesherstoolandherfishingpoleontotheice,andcutsabighole.Thenavoicesays:"THEREARENOFISHUNDERTHEICE"一个金发外国人决定要去冰上钓鱼。她拿上她的工具和钓鱼竿去了冰上，并凿出了一个大洞。然后听见一个声音说："冰～下～面～没～有～鱼！"Perplexed,theblondmovesherstool100feet,sitsdownagainandgoestoworkcuttinganotherhole.Again,thevoicesaid:"THEREARENOFISHUNDERTHEICE"这个外国人很疑惑，把她的工具挪动了100尺，再次坐下来，准备再凿一个洞的时候。再一次地，有个声音说："冰～下～面～没～有～鱼！"Clearlyflustered,shemovesthestooltoonelastspot,sitsdown,andpicksupherauger.Again,thevoiceboomed:"FORTHELASTTIME,THEREARENOFISHUNDERTHEICE"姑娘有点慌了，她将工具挪到最后这个点上，坐下来，拿起了她的螺丝钻。再一次地，声音响起：“最～后～说～一～次！冰～下～面～没～有～鱼！”Finally,shecan'ttakeit.Shecriesout,"God,isthatyou?"她终于承受不住了，叫了出来，“是你吗？神？”"NO,I'MTHEOWNEROFTHISHOCKEYRINK"“不，我是这个曲棍球冰场的主人。”天主教的狗MuldoonlivedaloneintheIrishcountrysidewithonlyapetdogforcompany.Onedaythedogdied,andMuldoonwenttotheparishpriestandasked,"Father,mydogisdead.Couldya'besaying'amassforthepoorcreature?"

FatherPatrickreplied,"I'mafraidnot;wecannothaveservicesforananimalinthechurch.ButtherearesomeBaptistsdownthelane,andthere'snotellin'whattheybelieve.Maybethey'lldosomethingforthecreature."Muldoonsaid,"I'llgorightawayFather.Doya'think$5,000isenoughtodonatetothemfortheservice?"FatherPatrickexclaimed,"SweetMary,MotherofJesus!Whydidn'tyatellmethedogwasCatholic?Muldoon一个人生活在爱尔兰的郊外，只有一只宠物狗跟他作伴。有一天，这只狗死了，Muldoon就跑去教区的神父那里，说，“神父，我的狗死了，你能为这可怜的小东西作个祷告吗？”Patrick神父回答道：“恐怕不行，我们教堂没有为宠物提供的服务；不过小巷那头有些浸信会的教友，也不知道他们是信什么的，他们可能会为这只小狗做些什么。”Muldoon说，“我马上就去，神父。你觉得为这项服务捐赠5000美元给他们足够了吗？”Patrick神父解释道，“圣母玛利亚啊！你怎么不说这只小狗信奉天主教呢？”会说话的鹦鹉Onedayamanwenttoanauction.Whilethere,hebidonaparrot.Hereallywantedthisbird,sohegotcaughtupinthebidding.Hekeptonbidding,butkeptgettingoutbid,sohebidhigherandhigherandhigher.一天一个人去参加拍卖。他相中了一只鹦鹉，他真的很想要这只鸟儿，于是他在竞价中紧紧跟着。他一直出价，出得比别人都高，最终，价格一路水涨船高。Finally,afterhebidwaymorethanheintended,hewonthebid-theparrotwashisatlast!在出到比预想要高得多得的价格后，他赢了这次竞价，鹦鹉终于是他的了！Ashewaspayingfortheparrot,hesaidtotheAuctioneer,"Isurehopethisparrotcantalk.Iwouldhatetohavepaidthismuchforit,onlytofindoutthathecan'ttalk!"他去付钱时对拍卖人说，“我希望这只鹦鹉一定要会说话。如果出了这么高的价，它还不能说话的话，我肯定会很难过的。”"Don'tworry."saidtheAuctioneer,"Hecantalk.Whodoyouthinkkeptbiddingagainstyou?"“不要担心。”拍卖人说，“它可以说话的。你以为是谁在竞价时一直跟你对着干？”想飞的乌龟Deepwithinaforestalittleturtlebegantoclimbatree.Afterhoursofefforthereachedthetop,jumpedintotheairwavinghisfrontlegsandcrashedtotheground.Afterrecovering,heslowlyclimbedthetreeagain,jumped,andfelltotheground.Theturtletriedagainandagainwhileacoupleofbirdssittingonabranchwatchedhissadefforts.Finally,thefemalebirdturnedtohermate."Dear,"shechirped,"Ithinkit'stimetotellhimhe'sadopted."森林的深处，一只小乌龟正在往树上爬。几个小时后，它到达了顶端，然后跳了下去，挥舞着前腿，然后撞到了地上。恢复好了以后，它慢慢地再次开始爬树，跳下，然后跌到地上。小乌龟一次又一次地尝试，有两只小鸟坐在树枝上看着它这悲剧式的尝试。终于，雌性小鸟转向她的伴侣。“亲爱的，”她说，“我认为是时候告诉他他是领养来的了。”消防狗Anurseryschoolteacherwasdeliveringaschoolbusfullofkidshomeonedaywhenafiretruckzoomedpast.SittinginthefrontseatofthefiretruckwasaDalmatiandog.Thechildrenstarteddiscussingwhatthedog'sdutiesmightbe."Theyusehimtokeepcrowdsback,"saidoneyoungster."No,"saidanother,"he'sjustforgoodluck."Athirdchildconcluded."Nosilly,theyusethedogstofindthefirehydrant!"有一天，一位护理学校的老师老师正驾驶着坐满孩子的校车，送他们回家，这时候，一辆消防车呼啸而过。在消防车的前座上有一只达尔马提亚犬。于是孩子们开始讨论这只狗的职责可能是什么。“他们用它来让人们离得远一点，”一个小孩说到。“不，”另一个说，“它是用来求好运的。”这时候第三个小孩说。“别傻了，其实他们是想用用这狗来找消防栓的。”聪明的猫Threemenwerebraggingabouthowsmarttheircatsare.ThefirstmanwasanAccountant,thesecondmanwasaChemist,thethirdwasaGovernmentWorker.Toshowoff,theAccountant

calledhiscatandsaid,"Spreadsheet,doyourstuff."Spreadsheetwentoutintothekitchenandreturnedwithadozencookies.Hedividedtheminto3equalpilesof4cookieseach.Everyoneagreedthatwasgood.ButtheChemistsaidhiscatcoulddobetter.Hecalledhiscatandsaid,"Measure,doyourstuff."Measuregotup,walkedovertothefridge,tookoutaquartofmilk,gota10ounceglassfromthecupboardandpouredexactly8ounceswithoutspillingadrop.Everyoneagreedthatwasgood.ThenthetwomenturnedtotheGovernmentWorkerandsaid,"Whatcanyourcatdo?"TheGovernmentWorkercalledtohiscatandsaid,"CoffeeBreak,doyourstuff."CoffeeBreakjumpedtohisfeet,atethecookies,drankthemilk,peedonthepaper,assaultedtheotherthreecats,claimedheinjuredhisbackwhiledoingso,filedagrievancereportforunsafeworkingconditions,putinforWorkersCompensationandwenthomefortherestofthedayonsickleave.三个男人在吹嘘他们的猫有多么聪明。第一个男人是个会计师，第二个男人是个化学家，第三个则是个公务员。为了炫耀，会计师叫来他的猫，然后说：“Spreadsheet，干你的活去。”Spreadsheet走进了厨房，拿回