牛津书虫第6级6-01.Jane Eyre Chapter 10

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Chapter10

HithertoIhaverecordedindetailtheeventsofmyinsignificantexistence:tothefirsttenyearsofmylifeIhavegivenalmostasmanychapters.Butthisisnottobearegularautobiography.IamonlyboundtoinvokeMemorywhereIknowherresponseswillpossesssomedegreeofinterest;thereforeInowpassaspaceofeightyearsalmostinsilence:afewlinesonlyarenecessarytokeepupthelinksofconnection.

WhenthetyphusfeverhadfulfilleditsmissionofdevastationatLowood,itgraduallydisappearedfromthence;butnottillitsvirulenceandthenumberofitsvictimshaddrawnpublicattentionontheschool.Inquirywasmadeintotheoriginofthescourge,andbydegreesvariousfactscameoutwhichexcitedpublicindignationinahighdegree.Theunhealthynatureofthesite;thequantityandqualityofthechildren’sfood;thebrackish,fetidwaterusedinitspreparation;thepupils’wretchedclothingandaccommodations—allthesethingswerediscovered,andthediscoveryproducedaresultmortifyingtoMr.Brocklehurst,butbeneficialtotheinstitution.

Severalwealthyandbenevolentindividualsinthecountysubscribedlargelyfortheerectionofamoreconvenientbuildinginabettersituation;newregulationsweremade;improvementsindietandclothingintroduced;thefundsoftheschoolwereintrustedtothemanagementofacommittee.Mr.Brocklehurst,who,fromhiswealthandfamily

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connections,couldnotbeoverlooked,stillretainedthepostoftreasurer;buthewasaidedinthedischargeofhisdutiesbygentlemenofrathermoreenlargedandsympathisingminds:hisofficeofinspector,too,wassharedbythosewhoknewhowtocombinereasonwithstrictness,comfortwitheconomy,compassionwithuprightness.Theschool,thusimproved,becameintimeatrulyusefulandnobleinstitution.Iremainedaninmateofitswalls,afteritsregeneration,foreightyears:sixaspupil,andtwoasteacher;andinbothcapacitiesIbearmytestimonytoitsvalueandimportance.

Duringtheseeightyearsmylifewasuniform:butnotunhappy,becauseitwasnotinactive.Ihadthemeansofanexcellenteducationplacedwithinmyreach;afondnessforsomeofmystudies,andadesiretoexcelinall,togetherwithagreatdelightinpleasingmyteachers,especiallysuchasIloved,urgedmeon:Iavailedmyselffullyoftheadvantagesofferedme.IntimeIrosetobethefirstgirlofthefirstclass;thenIwasinvestedwiththeofficeofteacher;whichIdischargedwithzealfortwoyears:butattheendofthattimeIaltered.

MissTemple,throughallchanges,hadthusfarcontinuedsuperintendentoftheseminary:toherinstructionIowedthebestpartofmyacquirements;herfriendshipandsocietyhadbeenmycontinualsolace;shehadstoodmeinthesteadofmother,governess,and,latterly,companion.Atthisperiodshemarried,removedwithherhusband(aclergyman,an

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excellentman,almostworthyofsuchawife)toadistantcounty,andconsequentlywaslosttome.

FromthedaysheleftIwasnolongerthesame:withherwasgoneeverysettledfeeling,everyassociationthathadmadeLowoodinsomedegreeahometome.Ihadimbibedfromhersomethingofhernatureandmuchofherhabits:moreharmoniousthoughts:whatseemedbetterregulatedfeelingshadbecometheinmatesofmymind.Ihadgiveninallegiancetodutyandorder;Iwasquiet;IbelievedIwascontent:totheeyesofothers,usuallyeventomyown,Iappearedadisciplinedandsubduedcharacter.

Butdestiny,intheshapeoftheRev.Mr.Nasmyth,camebetweenmeandMissTemple:Isawherinhertravellingdressstepintoapost-chaise,shortlyafterthemarriageceremony;Iwatchedthechaisemountthehillanddisappearbeyonditsbrow;andthenretiredtomyownroom,andtherespentinsolitudethegreatestpartofthehalf-holidaygrantedinhonouroftheoccasion.

Iwalkedaboutthechambermostofthetime.Iimaginedmyselfonlytoberegrettingmyloss,andthinkinghowtorepairit;butwhenmyreflectionswereconcluded,andIlookedupandfoundthattheafternoonwasgone,andeveningfaradvanced,anotherdiscoverydawnedonme,namely,thatintheintervalIhadundergoneatransformingprocess;thatmymindhadputoffallithadborrowedofMissTemple—orratherthatshehadtakenwithhertheserene

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atmosphereIhadbeenbreathinginhervicinity—andthatnowIwasleftinmynaturalelement,andbeginningtofeelthestirringofoldemotions.Itdidnotseemasifapropwerewithdrawn,butratherasifamotiveweregone:itwasnotthepowertobetranquilwhichhadfailedme,butthereasonfortranquillitywasnomore.MyworldhadforsomeyearsbeeninLowood:myexperiencehadbeenofitsrulesandsystems;nowIrememberedthattherealworldwaswide,andthatavariedfieldofhopesandfears,ofsensationsandexcitements,awaitedthosewhohadcouragetogoforthintoitsexpanse,toseekrealknowledgeoflifeamidstitsperils.

Iwenttomywindow,openedit,andlookedout.Therewerethetwowingsofthebuilding;therewasthegarden;thereweretheskirtsofLowood;therewasthehillyhorizon.Myeyepassedallotherobjectstorestonthosemostremote,thebluepeaks;itwasthoseIlongedtosurmount;allwithintheirboundaryofrockandheathseemedprison-ground,exilelimits.Itracedthewhiteroadwindingroundthebaseofonemountain,andvanishinginagorgebetweentwo;howIlongedtofollowitfarther!IrecalledthetimewhenIhadtravelledthatveryroadinacoach;Iremembereddescendingthathillattwilight;anageseemedtohaveelapsedsincethedaywhichbroughtmefirsttoLowood,andIhadneverquitteditsince.Myvacationshadallbeenspentatschool:Mrs.ReedhadneversentformetoGateshead;neithershenoranyofherfamilyhadeverbeentovisitme.Ihadhadnocommunication

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byletterormessagewiththeouterworld:school-rules,school-duties,school-habitsandnotions,andvoices,andfaces,andphrases,andcostumes,andpreferences,andantipathies—suchwaswhatIknewofexistence.AndnowIfeltthatitwasnotenough;Itiredoftheroutineofeightyearsinoneafternoon.Idesiredliberty;forlibertyIgasped;forlibertyIutteredaprayer;itseemedscatteredonthewindthenfaintlyblowing.Iabandoneditandframedahumblersupplication;forchange,stimulus:thatpetition,too,seemedsweptoff

intovaguespace:“Then,”Icried,halfdesperate,“grantmeatleastanewservitude!”Hereabell,ringingthehourofsupper,calledmedownstairs.

Iwasnotfreetoresumetheinterruptedchainofmy

reflectionstillbedtime:eventhenateacherwhooccupiedthesameroomwithmekeptmefromthesubjecttowhichIlongedtorecur,byaprolongedeffusionofsmalltalk.HowIwishedsleepwouldsilenceher.Itseemedasif,couldIbutgobacktotheideawhichhadlastenteredmymindasIstoodatthewindow,someinventivesuggestionwouldriseformyrelief.MissGrycesnoredatlast;shewasaheavyWelshwoman,andtillnowherhabitualnasalstrainshadneverbeenregardedbymeinanyotherlightthanasanuisance;to-nightIhailedthefirstdeepnoteswithsatisfaction;Iwasdebarrassedofinterruption;myhalf-effacedthoughtinstantlyrevived.

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“Anewservitude!Thereissomethinginthat,”Isoliloquised(mentally,beitunderstood;Ididnottalkaloud),“Iknowthereis,becauseitdoesnotsoundtoosweet;itisnotlikesuchwordsasLiberty,Excitement,Enjoyment:delightfulsoundstruly;butnomorethansoundsforme;andsohollowandfleetingthatitismerewasteoftimetolistentothem.ButServitude!Thatmustbematteroffact.Anyonemayserve:Ihaveservedhereeightyears;nowallIwantistoserveelsewhere.CanInotgetsomuchofmyownwill?Isnotthethingfeasible?Yes—yes—theendisnotsodifficult;ifIhadonlyabrainactiveenoughtoferretoutthemeansofattainingit.”

Isatupinbedbywayofarousingthissaidbrain:itwasachillynight;Icoveredmyshoulderswithashawl,andthenIproceededTOTHINKagainwithallmymight.

“WhatdoIwant?Anewplace,inanewhouse,amongstnewfaces,undernewcircumstances:Iwantthisbecauseitisofnousewantinganythingbetter.Howdopeopledotogetanewplace?Theyapplytofriends,Isuppose:Ihavenofriends.Therearemanyotherswhohavenofriends,whomustlookaboutforthemselvesandbetheirownhelpers;andwhatistheirresource?”

Icouldnottell:nothingansweredme;Ithenorderedmybraintofindaresponse,andquickly.Itworkedandworkedfaster:Ifeltthepulsesthrobinmyheadandtemples;butfornearlyanhouritworkedinchaos;andnoresultcameofitsefforts.Feverishwithvainlabour,I

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gotupandtookaturnintheroom;undrewthecurtain,notedastarortwo,shiveredwithcold,andagaincrepttobed.

Akindfairy,inmyabsence,hadsurelydroppedtherequiredsuggestiononmypillow;forasIlaydown,itcamequietlyandnaturallytomymind.—“Thosewhowantsituationsadvertise;youmustadvertiseinthe-shireHerald.”

“How?Iknownothingaboutadvertising.”

Repliesrosesmoothandpromptnow:-

“YoumustenclosetheadvertisementandthemoneytopayforitunderacoverdirectedtotheeditoroftheHerald;youmustputit,thefirstopportunityyouhave,intothepostatLowton;answersmustbeaddressedtoJ.E.,atthepost-officethere;youcangoandinquireinaboutaweekafteryousendyourletter,ifanyarecome,andactaccordingly.”

ThisschemeIwentovertwice,thrice;itwasthendigestedinmymind;Ihaditinaclearpracticalform:Ifeltsatisfied,andfellasleep.

Withearliestday,Iwasup:Ihadmyadvertisementwritten,enclosed,anddirectedbeforethebellrangtorousetheschool;itranthus:-

“Ayoungladyaccustomedtotuition”(hadInotbeenateachertwoyears?)“isdesirousofmeetingwithasituationinaprivatefamilywherethechildrenareunderfourteen(IthoughtthatasIwasbarelyeighteen,

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itwouldnotdotoundertaketheguidanceofpupilsnearermyownage).SheisqualifiedtoteachtheusualbranchesofagoodEnglisheducation,togetherwithFrench,Drawing,andMusic”(inthosedays,reader,thisnownarrowcatalogueofaccomplishments,wouldhavebeenheldtolerablycomprehensive).“Address,J.E.,Post-office,Lowton,-shire.”

Thisdocumentremainedlockedinmydrawerallday:aftertea,IaskedleaveofthenewsuperintendenttogotoLowton,inordertoperformsomesmallcommissionsformyselfandoneortwoofmyfellow-teachers;permissionwasreadilygranted;Iwent.Itwasawalkoftwomiles,andtheeveningwaswet,butthedayswerestilllong;Ivisitedashoportwo,slippedtheletterintothepost-office,andcamebackthroughheavyrain,withstreaminggarments,butwitharelievedheart.

Thesucceedingweekseemedlong:itcametoanendatlast,however,likeallsublunarythings,andoncemore,towardsthecloseofapleasantautumnday,IfoundmyselfafootontheroadtoLowton.Apicturesquetrackitwas,bytheway;lyingalongthesideofthebeckandthroughthesweetestcurvesofthedale:butthatdayIthoughtmoreoftheletters,thatmightormightnotbeawaitingmeatthelittleburghwhitherIwasbound,thanofthecharmsofleaandwater.

Myostensibleerrandonthisoccasionwastogetmeasuredforapairofshoes;soIdischargedthatbusinessfirst,andwhenitwasdone,Isteppedacross

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thecleanandquietlittlestreetfromtheshoemaker’stothepost-office:itwaskeptbyanolddame,whoworehornspectaclesonhernose,andblackmittensonherhands.

“ArethereanylettersforJ.E.?”Iasked.

Shepeeredatmeoverherspectacles,andthensheopenedadrawerandfumbledamongitscontentsforalongtime,solongthatmyhopesbegantofalter.Atlast,havingheldadocumentbeforeherglassesfornearlyfiveminutes,shepresenteditacrossthecounter,accompanyingtheactbyanotherinquisitiveand

mistrustfulglance—itwasforJ.E.

“Isthereonlyone?”Idemanded.

“Therearenomore,”saidshe;andIputitinmypocketandturnedmyfacehomeward:Icouldnotopenitthen;rulesobligedmetobebackbyeight,anditwasalreadyhalf-pastseven.

Variousdutiesawaitedmeonmyarrival.Ihadtositwiththegirlsduringtheirhourofstudy;thenitwasmyturntoreadprayers;toseethemtobed:afterwardsIsuppedwiththeotherteachers.Evenwhenwefinallyretiredforthenight,theinevitableMissGrycewasstillmycompanion:wehadonlyashortendofcandleinourcandlestick,andIdreadedlestsheshouldtalktillitwasallburntout;fortunately,however,theheavysuppershehadeatenproducedasoporificeffect:shewasalreadysnoringbeforeIhadfinishedundressing.Therestillremainedaninchofcandle:Inowtookout

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myletter;thesealwasaninitialF.;Ibrokeit;thecontentswerebrief.

“IfJ.E.,whoadvertisedinthe-shireHeraldoflastThursday,possessestheacquirementsmentioned,andifsheisinapositiontogivesatisfactoryreferencesastocharacterandcompetency,asituationcanbeofferedherwherethereisbutonepupil,alittlegirl,undertenyearsofage;andwherethesalaryisthirtypoundsperannum.J.E.isrequestedtosendreferences,name,

address,andallparticularstothedirection:-“Mrs.Fairfax,Thornfield,nearMillcote,-shire.”

Iexaminedthedocumentlong:thewritingwasold-fashionedandratheruncertain,likethatofanelderlylady.Thiscircumstancewassatisfactory:aprivatefearhadhauntedme,thatinthusactingformyself,andbymyownguidance,Irantheriskofgettingintosomescrape;and,aboveallthings,Iwishedtheresultofmyendeavourstoberespectable,proper,enregle.InowfeltthatanelderlyladywasnobadingredientinthebusinessIhadonhand.Mrs.Fairfax!Isawherinablackgownandwidow’scap;frigid,perhaps,butnotuncivil:amodelofelderlyEnglishrespectability.Thornfield!that,doubtless,wasthenameofherhouse:aneatorderlyspot,Iwassure;thoughIfailedinmyeffortstoconceiveacorrectplanofthepremises.Millcote,-shire;IbrushedupmyrecollectionsofthemapofEngland,yes,Isawit;boththeshireandthetown.-shirewasseventymilesnearerLondonthantheremotecountywhereInowresided:thatwasa

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recommendationtome.Ilongedtogowheretherewaslifeandmovement:MillcotewasalargemanufacturingtownonthebanksoftheA-;abusyplaceenough,doubtless:somuchthebetter;itwouldbeacompletechangeatleast.Notthatmyfancywasmuchcaptivatedbytheideaoflongchimneysandcloudsofsmoke—“but,”Iargued,“Thornfieldwill,probably,beagoodwayfromthetown.”

Herethesocketofthecandledropped,andthewickwentout.

Nextdaynewstepsweretobetaken;myplanscouldnolongerbeconfinedtomyownbreast;Imustimparttheminordertoachievetheirsuccess.Havingsoughtandobtainedanaudienceofthesuperintendentduringthenoontiderecreation,ItoldherIhadaprospectofgettinganewsituationwherethesalarywouldbedoublewhatInowreceived(foratLowoodIonlygot15poundsperannum);andrequestedshewouldbreakthematterformetoMr.Brocklehurst,orsomeofthecommittee,andascertainwhethertheywouldpermitmetomentionthemasreferences.Sheobliginglyconsentedtoactasmediatrixinthematter.ThenextdayshelaidtheaffairbeforeMr.Brocklehurst,whosaidthatMrs.Reedmustbewrittento,asshewasmynaturalguardian.Anotewasaccordinglyaddressedtothatlady,whoreturnedforanswer,that“ImightdoasIpleased:shehadlongrelinquishedallinterferenceinmyaffairs.”Thisnotewenttheroundofthecommittee,andatlast,afterwhatappearedtomemosttediousdelay,formalleavewasgivenmetobettermy

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conditionifIcould;andanassuranceadded,thatasIhadalwaysconductedmyselfwell,bothasteacherandpupil,atLowood,atestimonialofcharacterandcapacity,signedbytheinspectorsofthatinstitution,shouldforthwithbefurnishedme.

ThistestimonialIaccordinglyreceivedinaboutamonth,forwardedacopyofittoMrs.Fairfax,andgotthatlady’sreply,statingthatshewassatisfied,andfixingthatdayfortnightastheperiodformyassumingthepostofgovernessinherhouse.

Inowbusiedmyselfinpreparations:thefortnightpassedrapidly.Ihadnotaverylargewardrobe,thoughitwasadequatetomywants;andthelastdaysufficedtopackmytrunk,—thesameIhadbroughtwithmeeightyearsagofromGateshead.

Theboxwascorded,thecardnailedon.Inhalf-an-hourthecarrierwastocallforittotakeittoLowton,whitherImyselfwastorepairatanearlyhourthenextmorningtomeetthecoach.Ihadbrushedmyblackstufftravelling-dress,preparedmybonnet,gloves,andmuff;soughtinallmydrawerstoseethatnoarticlewasleftbehind;andnowhavingnothingmoretodo,Isatdownandtriedtorest.Icouldnot;thoughIhadbeenonfootallday,Icouldnotnowreposeaninstant;Iwastoomuchexcited.Aphaseofmylifewasclosingto-night,anewoneopeningto-morrow:impossibletoslumberintheinterval;Imustwatchfeverishlywhilethechangewasbeingaccomplished.

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“Miss,”saidaservantwhometmeinthelobby,whereIwaswanderinglikeatroubledspirit,“apersonbelowwishestoseeyou.”

“Thecarrier,nodoubt,”Ithought,andrandownstairswithoutinquiry.Iwaspassingtheback-parlourorteachers’sitting-room,thedoorofwhichwashalfopen,togotothekitchen,whensomeoneranout-

“It’sher,Iamsure!—Icouldhavetoldheranywhere!”criedtheindividualwhostoppedmyprogressandtookmyhand.

Ilooked:Isawawomanattiredlikeawell-dressedservant,matronly,yetstillyoung;verygood-looking,withblackhairandeyes,andlivelycomplexion.

“Well,whoisit?”sheasked,inavoiceandwithasmileIhalfrecognised;“you’venotquiteforgottenme,Ithink,MissJane?”

InanothersecondIwasembracingandkissingherrapturously:“Bessie!Bessie!Bessie!”thatwasallIsaid;whereatshehalflaughed,halfcried,andwebothwentintotheparlour.Bythefirestoodalittlefellowofthree

yearsold,inplaidfrockandtrousers.

“Thatismylittleboy,”saidBessiedirectly.

“Thenyouaremarried,Bessie?”

“Yes;nearlyfiveyearssincetoRobertLeaven,thecoachman;andI’vealittlegirlbesidesBobbythere,thatI’vechristenedJane.”

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“Andyoudon’tliveatGateshead?”

“Iliveatthelodge:theoldporterhasleft.”

“Well,andhowdotheyallgeton?Tellmeeverythingaboutthem,Bessie:butsitdownfirst;and,Bobby,comeandsitonmyknee,willyou?”butBobbypreferredsidlingovertohismother.

“You’renotgrownsoverytall,MissJane,norsoverystout,”continuedMrs.Leaven.“Idaresaythey’venotkeptyoutoowellatschool:MissReedistheheadandshoulderstallerthanyouare;andMissGeorgiana

wouldmaketwoofyouinbreadth.”

“Georgianaishandsome,Isuppose,Bessie?”

“Very.ShewentuptoLondonlastwinterwithhermama,andthereeverybodyadmiredher,andayounglordfellinlovewithher:buthisrelationswereagainstthematch;and—whatdoyouthink?—heandMissGeorgianamadeituptorunaway;buttheywerefoundoutandstopped.ItwasMissReedthatfoundthemout:Ibelieveshewasenvious;andnowsheandhersisterleadacatanddoglifetogether;theyarealwaysquarrelling—“

“Well,andwhatofJohnReed?”

“Oh,heisnotdoingsowellashismamacouldwish.Hewenttocollege,andhegot—plucked,Ithinktheycallit:andthenhisuncleswantedhimtobeabarrister,andstudythelaw:butheissuchadissipatedyoungman,theywillnevermakemuchofhim,Ithink.”

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“Whatdoeshelooklike?”

“Heisverytall:somepeoplecallhimafine-lookingyoungman;buthehassuchthicklips.”

“AndMrs.Reed?”

“Missislooksstoutandwellenoughintheface,butIthinkshe’snotquiteeasyinhermind:Mr.John’sconductdoesnotpleaseher--hespendsadealofmoney.”

“Didshesendyouhere,Bessie?”

“No,indeed:butIhavelongwantedtoseeyou,andwhenIheardthattherehadbeenaletterfromyou,andthatyouweregoingtoanotherpartofthecountry,IthoughtI’djustsetoff,andgetalookatyoubeforeyouwerequiteoutofmyreach.”

“Iamafraidyouaredisappointedinme,Bessie.”Isaidthislaughing:IperceivedthatBessie’sglance,thoughitexpressedregard,didinnoshapedenoteadmiration.

“No,MissJane,notexactly:youaregenteelenough;youlooklikealady,anditisasmuchaseverIexpectedofyou:youwerenobeautyasachild.”

IsmiledatBessie’sfrankanswer:Ifeltthatitwascorrect,butIconfessIwasnotquiteindifferenttoitsimport:ateighteenmostpeoplewishtoplease,andtheconvictionthattheyhavenotanexteriorlikelytosecondthatdesirebringsanythingbutgratification.

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“Idaresayyouareclever,though,”continuedBessie,bywayofsolace.“Whatcanyoudo?Canyouplayon

thepiano?”

“Alittle.”

Therewasoneintheroom;Bessiewentandopenedit,andthenaskedmetositdownandgiveheratune:Iplayedawal