如何与自己所爱的人沟通.ppt

Negotiating With Your Spouse & Others at Home How to Have a Peaceful Home Life Despite Your Differences Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA 2009 Who are Those We Live With? Alone Alone with dogs or cats Temporary roommates you dont know very well Friends (high school, college, workplace) Siblings Parents Multi-generational family 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Who are Those We Live With? Boyfriend/Girlfriend Committed relationship Engaged couple Cohabiting Married without the License Legally married Divorced and living with former spouse 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA The Challenges of Living with Strangers You dont know what youre getting May not be commitment to work things out Lifestyles and values may not match Unstable Incompatibility 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA The Challenges of Living with Friends Puts strain on a good relationship May prevent you from making friends or getting into a primary relationship Will your friendship ever be the same? Does friendship need distance? 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA The Challenges of Living with Siblings Sibling relationship is very fraught Sibling rivalries run deep Deep and complex history Can be very loyal and supportive Easy for parents to visit 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA The Challenges of Living with Parents Whose problem is it: parents or childs? One would think parents would like to have grown children in house. Often happens due to financial need which puts pressure on the parent/child and child/other siblings relationships Boundary issues Trusting your child to be an adult 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA The Challenges of Living with Parents Resisting the urge to “parent” your parent You know each others hot buttons Relevance of parent/childhood experience “Because I said so” Issues around financial contributions Gender expectations 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Living with Spouse, Partner or Significant Other These are all different Different levels of commitment What happens when the going gets rough How you are perceived by society at large Cohabitation pre-marriage may result in higher chance of divorce Getting together for the wrong reasons Arranged marriages do they work? 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Differences Class differences Education differences Family background Family of origin: birth order & number of siblings Mental illness in families Divorce in families Religious differences How much (or how little) money you have How “successful” you are in your career How many hours of week you work 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA The Pattern of a Relationship You meet and fall in love What is love? How long is your engagement? Did you work through any problems? How long does the honeymoon last? Did you have your honeymoon before marriage? Did you consider what marriage meant before you got married? What is marriage? Why do some people choose not to marry? 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Issues Pertaining to Marriage What does a wedding mean? Significance of big vs. small wedding Significance of elopement What is first year of marriage like? Difficulties in relating to in-laws Does your spouse tie his shoe correctly? Is your spouse still beautiful/handsome? 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Having Children Joys of Parenthood Who is more important: the children or your spouse? How busy are you? Who is taking care of the children? Who is doing the housework? Who is working outside of the house? Making decisions about the children 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Money Issues Do you have too much money? Do you have too little money? What can you do about it? Do you have just about the right amount of money? Do you have joint or separate accounts or both? Do you make money decisions together or separately? 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Contribution Issues Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight? Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight? What to do if there is an imbalance? 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Gender Roles/Expectations Are gender roles/expectations a problem? What if your spouse is at home with or without the children? What if your spouse is un- or under-employed? What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family? 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Distorted thinking We should never have conflict My spouse should meet all of my needs Getting into mental ruts Getting into behavioral ruts “ I can change my spouse” 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Mind Games Finding “The One” Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)? What is a soul mate? Becoming the perfect one Marriage creates soul mates Marriage is commitment Making managing marriage your career Is the grass greener on the other side? 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA It Takes One to Tango 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Annoying thought but true Changes you make can affect your spouse/partner/roommate Its like training your dog Living companion may not know he/she is being trained, but thats okay Corrosive Events & Circumstances in Marriages Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement. Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement. Illness of a child. Behavioral issues of a child. Illness of spouse. Death of spouses parents Loss of money or job 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA We Thought We Were So Compatible Differences in spending Different interests and hobbies Different concept of vacations Differences in how you wish to spend free time Differences in religion/spirituality Differences in child rearing methods 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Conflict Can Be Good Dont let it burn out of control Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage or relationship What not to do Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint Dont attack each others character Showing contempt Stonewalling Blaming 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA What to Do About It The Laurie Israel Plan Studies on staying with marriage Problem with sharing bad things with friends/family Some things you can change Some things never change Walking around problem areas 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA What to Do About It, Part 2 Communicating verbally Hot speech Using “I” words Asking the powerful non-defensive question Communicating in writing The problems with email 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA What to Do About It, Part 3 Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words Encouraging good behavior with “predictions” Creating clear boundaries Protecting yourself Disarming your spouse 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA What to Do About It, Part 4 Demonstrating respect What to do if your living partner does not demonstrate respect to you Bargaining with your living partner Using humor Accepting imperfections Promoting freedom for each of you Promoting self growth 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Counteracting Marital Malaise Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions Counteracting marital dissatisfaction Encouraging compassion Discouraging resentment Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Marriage is Important Why marriage is important Why marriage deserves your attention Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else Foster and encourage your spouses dreams and goals If possible, try to understand your spouses interests or at least respect them 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Financial Security for Married People The third leg of a three-legged stool Work hard to create financial security Make sure money is not scarce Enjoy your life 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Forgiveness Everybody makes mistakes Everybody says things wrong Let things pass Assume your living companion (and you) will learn from your mistakes 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Fidelity in Marriage Be faithful and do not have an affair What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair What to do if your spouse has an actual affair What to do if you are having an emotional affair What to do if you are having an actual affair Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage The different types of infidelity How people can heal their marriages 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA Expectations about Marriage Dont think marriag