2013届高三英语书面表达专题指导、练讲及习作评析(第三部分考场习作评析)(4).ppt

2013届高考英语书面表达专题指导 练讲及习作评析 第三部分2013届高考英语书面表达考场习作评析 四 试题来源 江苏省石庄高级中学2013届书面表达指导与练习 请你根据下列这幅图写一篇英语短文 要求 1 描述图画 2 就图画所反映的内容进行评论或提出自己的建议 3 词数 150左右 这是我们仿照北京市高考所出的题目 跟北京卷不同的是本书面表达要求词数达到150左右 同时考生可以按照半开放式作文的方法进行写作 也可以按照开放式作文的方法进行写作 我们这儿所选的考场习作为开放式的 考场习作 1 Thisisavividpicture whichconveysthought provokingmessages 2 Inthepicture severalfactorychimneysstand fromwhichcloudsofthickblacksmokearebeinggivenoff 3 Thenamanwanderingaroundthefactorywithacigaretteinhismouth feelsconfusedwhenhenoticedthenon smokingsignonthewall 4 Hewonderedwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn tagreewithwhatitsays 5 It sfunnythatthefactoryisproducingthicksmokewhilesmokingisforbiddenthere 6 Comparedtotheamountofsmokegivenoffbythefactory thecigarettesmokeisnothingatall 7 However actuallythereexistquiteafewpeoplewhoonlyknowhowtorestrictothersinsteadofthemselves whichishardtoconvinceothers 8 Asanoldsayinggoes sweepbeforeyourowndoor 9 Thereforewemustbestrictwithourselvesbeforewearestrictwithothers 10 Onlyinthiswaycanwebuildupaharmonioussociety 习作评析 在评析考生考场习作之前 先让我们来看一看该书面表达的最基本的要点是什么 1 描述图片内容2 自己的评论 总体评价 全文共10句154字 描述图片内容不仅全面 还为自己的评论打下了伏笔 评论也做到了有理有利有节 比较好地完成了题目所规定的任务 阅卷老师判分为21分 满分为25分 习作的亮点 1 习作根据作者自身水平较多使用了复合句 全文共有七句为复合句 充分显示了作者在写议论文方面的扎实的基本功 1 Thisisavividpicture whichconveysthought provokingmessages 2 Inthepicture severalfactorychimneysstand fromwhichcloudsofthickblacksmokearebeinggivenoff 3 Thenamanwanderingaroundthefactorywithacigaretteinhismouth feelsconfusedwhenhenoticedthenon smokingsignonthewall 4 Hewonderedwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn tagreewithwhatitsays 5 It sfunnythatthefactoryisproducingthicksmokewhilesmokingisforbiddenthere 7 However actuallythereexistquiteafewpeoplewhoonlyknowhowtorestrictothersinsteadofthemselves whichishardtoconvinceothers 8 Asanoldsayinggoes sweepbeforeyourowndoor 2 高级词汇的使用较多vivid生动的thought provoking发人深省的Forbid禁止Exist有 存在Restrict限制Convince使信服buildup建立Harmonious和谐的 3 句子结构颇为复杂 如果你不仔细揣摩 就有可能认为是错句 如 4 Hewonderedwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn tagreewithwhatitsays 本句含有三个从句 一是Hewonderedwhy 宾语从句 二是whatthefactorydoes主语从句 三是whatitsays宾语从句 doesn tagreewith是why 宾语从句中谓语 本句意思是 他很纳闷 这家工厂为什么言行不一呢 4 运用对比的手法 增加了文章感染力和说服力 如 5 It sfunnythatthefactoryisproducingthicksmokewhilesmokingisforbiddenthere 本句用一个 while 表示了强烈的对比 本句的意思是 这家工厂一边排放着浓烟 而一边又要禁止人们抽烟 真是滑稽可笑 紧接着又用对比的手法 6 Comparedtotheamountofsmokegivenoffbythefactory thecigarettesmokeisnothingatall 来进一步增强文章的感染力 5 谚语的使用彰显了主题 Asanoldsayinggoes sweepbeforeyourowndoor 正如谚语所说的那样 正人先正己 不但引起了下文而且突出了本文的主题 6 最后一句使用了倒装句给全文也增色不少 Onlyinthiswaycanwebuildupaharmonioussociety 只有这样我们才能建立一个和谐的社会 习作的缺点 1 动词时态运用上有错误本篇书面表达所使用的时态应该是现在时 习作在描述图画时 却犯了致命的错误 第 3 4 两句时态运用上混乱 而且又是在第一段 这样给阅卷老师留下了很不好的印象 如果阅卷老师不耐心继续看下去的话 恐怕这位考生的习作得分数最多不会超过17分 3 Thenamanwanderingaroundthefactorywithacigaretteinhismouth feelsconfusedwhenhenoticesthenon smokingsignonthewall 4 Hewonders iswonderingwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn tagreewithwhatitsays 2 本习作运用的复杂句过多 不仅给人以故弄玄虚之嫌 而且使文章过于呆板 显得不是那么错落有致 根据以上两点我们将习作修改如下 Thisisavividpicture whichconveysthought provokingmessages Inthepicture severalchimneysinthefactoryaregivingoffcloudsofthickblacksmoke Ayoungpassingbythefactorywithacigaretteinhismouth feelsconfusedwhenhenoticesthenon smokingsignonthewall Heiswonderingwhywhatthefactorydoesdoesn tagreewithwhatitsays It sfunnythatthefactoryisproducingthicksmokewhilesmokingisforbiddenthere Comparedtotheamountofsmokegivenoffbythefactory smokingisnothingatall However actuallythereexistquiteafewpeoplewhoonlyknowhowtorestrictothersinsteadofthemselves whichishardtoconvinceothers Asanoldsayinggoes sweepbeforeyourowndoor Thereforewemustbestrictwithourselvesbeforewearestrictwithothers Onlyinthiswaycanwebuildupaharmonioussociety 参考答案1 评论式 Thisisafunnyandinstructivepicture Inthepicture ayoungmanissmokinghappilyinafactorywhenheseesasignwhichmeans Nosmoking onthewall Buthefindsthatthefactoryisgivingofflargequantitiesofheavysmokewhichmakeshimfeelverypuzzled Whydoesthefactoryforbidpeopletosmokewhileititselfgivesoffsomuchpoisonoussmoke Whatthepictureabovereflectsisacommonphenomenonwhichshouldbetakenintoconsideration Inourdailylife somepeoplemakerulestorestrictothersbutonthecontrary theyoftenbreaktherules Forexample parentsurgetheirkidsnottoplayelectronicgameswhiletheyoftenplaythemevenwhentheyarehavingmeals Shouldn tparentssetanexampletotheirkids Nowadays thereexistquiteafewpeoplewhoarestrictwithothers yettoleranttothemselves Anditishardtoconvinceothers Soinmyopinion onlyifweshouldbemorestrictwithourselveswillwequalifyforaskingothersformuch 参考答案2 建议式 Thisisafunnyandinstructivepicture Inthepicture ayoungmanissmokinghappilyinafactorywhenheseesasignwhichmeans Nosmoking onthewall Buthefindsthatthefactoryisgivingofflargequantitiesofheavysmokewhichmakeshimfeelverypuzzled Whydoesthefactoryforbidpeopletosmokewhilethefactoryitselfemitssomuchpoisonoussmoke Nowadays manyfactoriesknowthedangerofsmokingtothemselvesanddon tallowpeoplesmokinginthefactory However theydon tpayanyattentiontothedangertha