I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency.doc

Only one man ever understood me, and he didnt understand me.G.W. Hegel. Monica Seles: Id hate to be next door to her on her wedding night. Peter Ustinov. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. Submitted by Kayla Burris Im a blonde.whats your excuss? Submitted by Travis Robinson If women run the world men must be the track The one thing women dont want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers. My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.Ronald ReaganUS president during radio microphone test. Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. Winning isnt everything: Its the only thing. Vincent Lombardi. An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got outOn Clement Atlee Winston Churchill I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.Homer Simpson All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. Youd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men. Isaac Asimov. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.Woody Allen You can tell alot about a fellows character by his way of eating jellybeans.Ronald Reagan. Basically my wife was immature. Id be in my bath and shed come in and sink my boats.Woody Allen Adding manpower to a late software project makes it laterF. Brooks, The Mythical Man-Month. Whats another word for thesaurus?Steven Wright You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.David Brent Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater. Albert Einstein Remember, it doesnt matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.Darrin Weinberg I like children - fried.W.C. Fields Corruption is natures way of restoring our faith in democracy. Peter Ustinov. In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.Oscar Wilde I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. WC Fields. The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.Mark Twain Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.Winston Churchill If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research.Wilson Mizner. The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?David Sarnoffs associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.Woody Allen I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.Rita Rudner Never floss with a stranger.Joan Rivers All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.Casey Stengel A sheep in sheeps clothingOn Clement Atlee Winston Churchill Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the salesStephen Hawking. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.John F. Kennedy The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End. Cyril Smith. Youre everywhere. Youre omnivorous.Homer SimpsonTo God. Once youre done writing the code, never open it again unless you want to see how uncomprehensible and utterly ridiculous it really is.Raphael Sazonov MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980s.Doug Ferrari I like children - fried.W. C. Fields Those who can do, those who cant teach.Bernard Shaw Biologically speaking, if something bites you its more likely to be female. Desmond Morris. Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.Ren Descartes Eternity is really long, especially near the end.Woody Allen I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.Patrick Dennis. Never have more children than you have car windows.Erma Bombeck Thats Mr. Smut Peddler to you!Larry Flynt Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.Hedy Lamarr I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.George Burns I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.Groucho Marx Let us all bask in televisions warm glowing warming glow.Homer Simpson Many people do not reach their eighties because they spend too much time in their forties.Salvador Dali You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. Mark Twain Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.Bill Cosby I was always unlawful; I broke the law when I was born because my parents werent married.Bernard Shaw The Labour Party has lost the last four elections. If they lose another, they get to keep the liberal party.Clive Anderson. We dont want the television script good. We want it Tuesday.Dennis Norden. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby. When I die Im going to leave my body to science fiction. Steven Wright When having my portrait painted I dont want justice, I want mercy.Billy Hughes. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple. Im like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.Dennis Miller All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.Oscar Wilde Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright. Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.Henry A. Kissinger Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.Woody Allen Beware of the man who denounces women writers; his penis in tiny and he cannot spell.Erica Jong. Put three Zionists in a room and they will form four political parties.Levi Eshkol. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.David Brent I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.Winston Churchill An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. Edgar Wallace. Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. P.J. ORourke. You can tell German wine from vinegar by the labelMark Twain. The Complete Angler is acknowledged to be one of the worlds books. Only the trouble is that the world doesnt read its books, it borrows a detective story instead.Stephen Leacock. Its not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools. Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.James Stephens. Submitted by Cheyenne Topete If things dont go right.go left If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in. Bradleys Bromide. Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.Bill Cosby I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.Lily Tomlin Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.Ivana Trump. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasnt for any religious reasons. They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin. Jay Leno. Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible. 驾校一点通365网 /sichuan/ 四川驾校一点通Winters here, and you feel lousy: Youre coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms - so familiar at this time of year - can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.Dave Barry I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.Steven Wright When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and Im labeled senile.George Burns I didnt like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.Groucho Marx Submitted by Jordan BernaquerDont make me shove my foot up