What’s Your Emotional IQ.docx

Whats Your Emotional IQ?By Daniel GolemanIt was a steamy afternoon in New York City, the kind of day that makes people sullen with discomfort. I was heading to my hotel, and as I stepped onto a bus, I was greeted by the driver, a middle-aged man with an enthusiastic smile. “Hi! How are you doing?” he said. He greeted each rider in the same way. As the bus crawled uptown through gridlocked traffic, the driver gave a lively commentary: there was a terrific sale at that store a wonderful exhibit at this museum had we heard about the movie that just opened down the block? By the time people got off, they had shaken off their sullen shells. When the driver called out, “So long, have a great day!” each of us gave a smiling response. That memory has stayed with me for close to 20 years. I consider the bus driver a man who was truly successful at what he did. Contrast him with Jason, a straight-A student at a Florida high school who was fixated on getting into Harvard Medical School. When a physics teacher gave Jason an 80 on a quiz, the boy believed his dream was in jeopardy. He took a butcher knife to school, and in a struggle the teacher was stabbed in the collarbone. How could someone of obvious intelligence do something so irrational? The answer is that high I.Q. does not necessarily predict who will succeed in life. Psychologists agree that I.Q. contributes only about 20 percent of the factors that determine success. A full 80 percent comes from other factors, including what I call emotional intelligence. Following are some of the major qualities that make up emotional intelligence, and how they can be developed: 1. Self-awareness. The ability to recognize a feeling as it happens is the keystone of emotional intelligence. People with greater certainty about their emotions are better pilots of their lives.Developing self-awareness requires tuning in to what neurologist Antonio Damasio, in his book Descartes Error, calls somatic markersliterally, gut feelings. Gut feelings can occur without a person being consciously aware of them. For example, when people who fear snakes are shown a picture of a snake, sensors on their skin will detect sweat, a sign of anxiety, even though the people say they do not feel fear. The sweat shows up even when a picture is presented so rapidly that the subject has no conscious awareness of seeing it. Through deliberate effort we can become more aware of our gut feelings. Take someone who is annoyed by a rude encounter for hours after it occurred. He may be oblivious to his irritability and surprised when someone calls attention to it. But if he evaluates his feelings, he can change them. Emotional self-awareness is the building block of the next fundamental of emotional intelligence: being able to shake off a bad mood. 2. Mood Management. Bad as well as good moods spice life and build character. The key is balance. We often have little control over when we are swept by emotion. But we can have some say in how long that emotion will last. Psychologist Dianne Tice of Case Western Reserve University asked more than 400 men and women about their strategies for escaping foul moods. Her research, along with that of other psychologists, provides valuable information on how to change a bad mood.Of all the moods that people want to escape, rage seems to be the hardest to deal with. When someone in another car cuts you off on the highway, your reflexive thought may be, That jerk! He could have hit me! I cant let him get away with that! The more you stew, the angrier you get. Such is the stuff of hypertension and reckless driving.What should you do to relieve rage? One myth is that ventilating will make you feel better. In fact, researchers have found thats one of the worst strategies. Outbursts of rage pump up the brains arousal system, leaving you more angry, not less.A more effective technique is “reframing,” which means consciously reinterpreting a situation in a more positive light. In the case of the driver who cuts you off, you might tell yourself: Maybe he had some emergency. This is one of the most potent ways, Tice found, to put anger to rest. Going off alone to cool down is also an effective way to defuse anger, especially if you cant think clearly. Tice found that a large proportion of men cool down by going for a drive a finding that inspired her to drive more defensively. A safer alternative is exercise, such as taking a long walk. Whatever you do, dont waste the time pursuing your train of angry thoughts. Your aim should be to distract yourself.The techniques of reframing and distraction can alleviate depression and anxiety as well as anger. Add to them such relaxation techniques as deep breathing and meditation and you have an arsenal of weapons against bad moods. “Praying,” Dianne Tice also says, “works for all moods.”3. Self-motivation. Positive motivation the marshaling of feelings of enthusiasm, zeal and confidence is paramount for achievement. Studies of Olympic athletes, world-class musicians and chess grandmasters show that their common trait is the ability to motivate themselves to pursue relentless training routines.To motivate yourself for any achievement requires clear goals and an optimistic, can-do attitude. Psychologist Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania advised the MetLife insurance company to hire a special group of job applicants who tested high on optimism, although they had failed the normal aptitude test. Compared with salesmen who passed the aptitude test but scored high in pessimism, this group made 21 percent more sales in their first year and 57 percent more in their second.A pessimist is likely to interpret rejection as meaning Im a failure; Ill never make a sale. Optimists tell themselves, Im using the wrong approach, or That customer was in a bad mood. By blaming failure on the situation, not themselves, optimists are motivated to make that next call. Your predisposition to a positive or negative outlook may be inborn, but with effort and practice, pessimists can learn to think more hopefully. Psychologists have documented that if you can catch negative, self-defeating thoughts as they occur, you can reframe the situation in less catastrophic terms. 4. Impulse Control. The essence of emotional self-regulation is the ability to delay impulse in the service of a goal. The importance of this trait to success was shown in an experiment begun in the 1960s by psychologist Walter Mischel at a preschool on the Stanford University campus. Children were told that they could have a single treat, such as a marshmallow, right now. However, if they would wait while the experimenter ran an errand, they could have two marshmallow. Some preschoolers grabbed the marshmallow immediately, but others were able to wait what, for them, must have seemed an endless 20 minutes. To sustain themselves in their struggle, they covered their eyes so they wouldnt see the temptation, rested their heads on their arms, talked to themselves, sang, even tried to sleep. These plucky kids got the two-marshmallow reward.The interesting part of this experiment came in the follow-up. The children who as four-year-olds had been able to wait for the two marshmallows were, as adolescents, still able to delay gratification in pursuing their goals. They were more socially competent and self-assertive, and better able to cope with lifes frustrations. In contrast, the kids who grabbed the one marshmallow were, as adolescents, more likely to be stubborn, indecisive and stressed. The ability to resist impulse can be developed through practice. When youre faced with an immediate temptation, remind yourself of your long-term goals whether they be losing weight or getting a medical degree. Youll find it easier, then, to keep from settling for the single marshmallow. 5. People skills. The capacity to know how another feels is important on the job, in romance and friendship, and in the family. We transmit and catch moods from each other on a subtle, almost imperceptible level. The way someone says thank you, for instance, can leave us feeling dismissed, patronized or genuinely appreciated. The more adroit we are at discerning the feelings behind other peoples signals, the better we control the signals we send.The importance of good interpersonal skills was demonstrated by psychologists Robert Kelley of Carnegie-Mellon University and Janet Caplan in a study at Bell Labs in Naperville, Ill. The labs are staffed by engineers and scientists who are all at the apex of academic I.Q. tests. But some still emerged as stars, while others languished.What accounted for the difference? The standout performers had a network with a wide range of people. “When a non-star encountered a technical problem”, Kelley observed, “he called various technical gurus and then waited, wasting time while his calls went unreturned. Star performers rarely faced such situations because they built reliable networks before they needed them. So when the stars called someone, they almost always got a faster answer.”No matter what their I.Q., once again it was emotional intelligence that separated the stars from the average performers. (From Readers Digest, January 1996)你的情商怎么样？丹尼尔戈尔曼纽约，一个潮湿的午后，这种天气会让人觉得沉闷、不舒服。我踏上了一辆回旅馆的车，公交车司机-一位面带微笑的中年男子向我打招呼说：“你好”。一路上他问候了每个上车的乘客。汽车因交通堵塞在闹市区缓慢徐行，这时司机将最近的新闻给我们娓娓道来：一个商店的疯狂大减价一个博物馆的精彩展览还问我们是否听说了这条街的尽头新开了一个电影院。到人们下车时，每个人忧郁的心情都已荡然无存。此时司机和我们说：“再见，祝你们开心每一天。”每个人都微笑着作以回应。那是尘封在我心里将近20年的记忆。我认为这个司机尽职尽责的举动才是真正意义上的成功。说到詹森-他是一个在佛罗里达高中成绩优异的学生，一直把考入哈佛医学院作为自己的梦想。可是在一次物理小测验中，老师只给了他80分，他认为自己的理想被毁了。所以就带了一把杀猪刀到学校，奋力刺向老师的锁骨。这种天资聪慧的人为什么能做出如此失去理性的事呢？答案是高智商不能对“人的一生谁会取得成功”做出必然的预测。心理学家表示，智商在取得成功的因素中大约只占20%，剩下的80%完全来自其它因素，包括我所说的情智。下面是情智的一些主要特征以及它们是如何培养的。1. 自我察觉意识 情智的关键是当某种感觉来的时候你察觉它的能力。对自己情绪足够确信的人能更好的掌握生活的方向。自我意识的培养需要的是神经病学家安东尼奥.达马西奥在他笛卡尔的错误一书中提到的“躯体标识”之类的元素-真正意义上的直觉。一个人一旦不对直觉进行刻意认知，他们就会产生。举例来说，当让怕蛇的人去看蛇的图片的时候，虽然他们并不感到害怕，但由于紧张，皮肤毛孔会分泌汗液。甚至在事先不知道要看的情况下把图片迅速放到他面前时，汗液也会产生。通过主观的努力，我们能变得对直觉更加了解。如果对一个人粗鲁的进行长达几个小时的骚扰，他就会产生烦躁情绪。当某人提醒他时，他还很诧异，并对这种情绪全然不知。如果他正视这种情绪，就能对它加以改善。情感的自我意识是情智的下一个基本组成的基石：它能摆脱糟糕的情绪。2. 情绪控制 情绪的不同建立了人们不同的性情，使生活丰富多彩。关键是要平衡。当在情感上受到伤害时，我们总是不能控制自己的情绪。但是我们可以知道这种情绪能够持续多久。凯斯威士顿储备大学的心理学家戴安娜.泰斯就怎样摆脱坏情绪这个问题走访了400多人。他和同僚的研究在改善不良情绪方面提供了有价值的信息。人们最想摆脱的坏情绪，最难解决的莫过于暴怒了。当在公路上另一辆车挡了你的去路，你的第一反应就可能是,”这头蠢猪，他差点撞到我。我不能这样的就放过他。”你越激动，你就会越生气。这就是过分敏感的表现形式，接下来也就不会好好开车了。怎么做才能缓解怒气呢？诀窍也许就是把这个事情公开，那会让你感到舒服许多。可事实上，研究人员早已发现这是解决问题最糟糕的方法之一。一旦暴怒，会刺激大脑的感知系统，使你更加愤怒，而不会有所减轻。一种更有效的方法是“自定义” ，也就是说以一种更积极的方式重新解释这种情况。还以司机挡住你去路为例，你可以告诉自己：可能他出现了紧急情况。泰斯发现，这是缓解愤怒最有效的办法之一。独自外出也是减轻愤怒的有效方式。特别是在你不能冷静思考的情况下。泰斯发现大部分男人会以开车兜风使自己冷静下来-而对于女性，则不鼓励她们开车。一个相对安全的方法是运动，例如长跑。无论你做什么，在进行情绪培养时不要浪费时间就可以了。你的目的应该是转移对坏情绪的注意力。自定义和转移注意力的方法除了能减轻愤怒之外，还能缓解沮丧和焦虑。再加上深呼吸和默默思考等自我放松的方法，你就有了克制坏情绪的有利武器。戴安娜.泰斯还说：“为克制你所有的坏情绪祈祷吧”。3自我激励 积极的激励-乐观、热情和信心，这三种品质的结合对取得成功来说是至关重要的。对奥林匹克运动员、世界级音乐家、象棋大师的研究表明，他们共有的特点是通过激励自己来实现强化训练目标的能力。 为实现任何目的而进行的自我激励需要有明确的目标和乐观积极的态度。宾夕法尼亚大学心理学家马丁.塞利格曼建议都市人寿保险公司雇佣一批与众不同的求职者，他们要有很高的乐观主义精神，即使他们没有通过常规的智力测验。与那些通过智力测验但却很悲观的销售人员比起来，这批求职者第一年销售业绩要比那些销