英文幽默笑话.doc

1.猫和老鼠 Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top. Whats in your box? asked the friend. A cat, answered Mrs Brown. You see Ive been dreaming about mice at night and Im so scared! This cat is to catch them. But the mice are only imaginary, said the friend. So is the cat, whispered Mrs Brown. 布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。2.Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didnt have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, Mayday, mayday. A Coast Guard officer came on and said, State your location. I-75, two miles south of Standish. After a very long pause, the officer asked, How fast were you going when you reached shore? 在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。于是，他爬到他的船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。“I-75号公路，Standish的南面两英里”。沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快？” 3.The Mean Mans Party吝啬鬼的聚会The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.Why use my elbow and foot?Well, gosh, was the reply, Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”4.Talking clock 会说话的钟While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. What is the big brass gong and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. Hows it work? Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! Its two oclock in the morning! 一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！” 5.那就更糟了 Much Worse-Policeman: Why didnt you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? -Man: If I had opened my mouth, theyd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。6.需要推一下吗 Need a push?A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. Im not getting out of bed at this time, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. Arent you going to answer that? says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didnt take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.Hi there. slurs the stranger, Can you give me a push?No, get lost(走开!), its half past three. I was in bed. says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says Dave, that wasnt very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that mans house to get us started again? What would have happened if hed told us to get lost?But the guy was drunk. says the husband.It doesnt matter. says the wife. He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him.So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: Hey, do you still want a push? and he hears a voice cry out Yeah please.So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: Where are you?And the stranger replies: Im over here, on your swing(秋千).7.I know who God is !A boy says to her mother, Mom, is God a man or woman?The mom thinks a while and says, Well, son, God is both man and woman.The son is confused, so he asks, Is God black or white?The mother replies, God is both black and white, honey.The son, still curious, says after a while, Is God gay or straight, mommy?The mother, getting a little worried, answers, Son, God is both gay andstraight.The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally hasanswered his question: Is God Michael Jackson?儿子：妈妈，上帝是白人还是黑人？ 妈妈：宝贝，上帝是白人也是黑人！ 儿子：那上帝是男人还是女人？ 妈妈：宝贝，上帝是男人也是女人！ 儿子：哦。我知道了，上帝是迈克尔杰克逊！8.Two Lines In HeavenEverybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.God comes and says I want the men to make two lines.One line for the men that dominated their women on earthand the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.Said and done, and there are two lines. The line of the menthat were whipped was 100 miles long,and the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.God got mad and said. You men should be ashamed of yourselves.I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.Learn from him! Tell them, my son,how did you manage to be the only one on that line?The man said, I dont know, my wife told me to stand here. 世上的每一个人都上了天堂 神说 : 要男人分成两队 , 一是在世上控制女人的男人 ,另一是被女人鞭打的男人，另外女子自成一队 , 跟着圣彼德去 . 队伍列好后 , 一是被女人鞭打的 ,有 100 英里长 , 一是在世上控制女人的 ,仅有一人 . 神生气的说 : 你们男人应该感到羞耻 ,我按照自己的形象创造了你们 ,而你们被女子鞭打 . 看看 , 我唯一的儿子 ,站着使我骄傲 . 你们应该向他学习 .告诉他们 , 儿子 ,你如何成为唯一站在这一队上的 ? 这男子回说 : 我不知道 , 我太太叫我站在这的 !9.Proof that Girls are evil证明女孩是魔鬼1: First we state that girls require money and timeGirls = Time x Money2: And we all know: time is moneyGirls = Money x Money = Money 23: And because money is the root of all evilMoney = Evil 0.5Therefore:Girls = (Evil 0.5) 24: And we are forced to conclude thatGirls = Evil See? I told you. :) -Whatever life brings you, bring it on!10.A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?The father replied: I don t know son. I m still paying!一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。NOTE： pay这个词不仅是付帐的意思，还有付出代价的意思，比如he must pay for what he did.他必须为他做的付出代价。11.Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter 伟大的猎手JonesieA small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? asked the chief. Forget the damn lion! he howled. Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。 猎手躺着等了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。把羊皮披在身上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。 半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。 “Jonesie，怎么了？狮子在哪？”村长问。 “哪有狮子！”猎人怒吼道，“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？”12.Asking for a Raise要求加薪 At the radio station where I worked, the manager called me into his office to preview a new sound-effects package we were considering purchasing. He closed the door so we wouldnt bother people in the outer office. After listening to a few routine sound effects, we started playing around with low moans, maniacal screams, hysterical laughter, pleading and gunshots. When I finally opened the door and passed the managers secretary, she looked up and inquired, Asking for a raise again?我在一家电台工作。经理把我叫进他的办公室，让我预试一下我们准备购买的一套新的音响效果设备。他关上门，以免打扰外面办公室的人。 听了几个常规的音响效果后，我们开始试听低声的呻吟，狂乱的尖叫，歇斯底里的大笑，哀求逺和枪声。最后我开门出去，从经理秘书旁边经过时，她抬起头问道：“又要求加薪了？”13.Creative创造性 Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job. I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.第一次求职时，我意识到在列举我所具备的为数不多的条件时，得有点创造性。当问及我是否受过其它的培训时，我老实地回答说我花了三年时间学计算机程序设计课。我得到了那份工作。 我没有提到那门功课我重复学了三年才考及格。14.Did You Know Him? 你认识他吗？At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. I sure was! answered the host. Hes the biggest jerk Ive ever met. Did you know him too? Sort of, replied the guest. My mother married him last Saturday.在朋友家的一次宴会上，主人提起一位高中时的校友。一位客人问他读书期间，某位副校长是否也在职。 “当然了，”主人答道。“他是我见过的最大的混蛋。你也认识他吗？” “有点认识，”客人回答。“我妈妈上周六嫁给了他。”15.How Much Is It? 多少钱？It was winter, and Mrs. Hermann wanted to do a lot