佳译 汉译英常见拙译 翻译.doc

所谓contraction即a word, as wont from will not, or phrase, as oclock from of the clock,formed by omitting or combining some of the sounds of a longer phrase。Contraction貌似小事，在英译中却频繁出现！似乎这是一种既方便又简约的表达方式。然而，从美国教授的评改中，我们忽然醒悟：在正式文体中，不要使用缩写式！1.在我的集邮册中，有一张邮票占据了最显著的位置。原译：Ive a stamp in the most conspicuous place of my album.改译：I have a stamp in the most conspicuous place of my album.小析：No contractions in formal essays.2.我对担任教师工作充满了期待。原译：Im filled with the anticipation of standing on the teaching role.改译：I am filled with the anticipation of standing in the teaching role.3.别人觉得这是在浪费时间，我觉得这可是个好办法。原译：others think its a waste of time. But I think its a good system.改译：others think it is a waste of time. But I think it is a good system.小析：This is supposed to be a formal essay. Do not use any contractions.三、搭配（collocation）“搭配”，是一个非常重要的语言概念。英语尤其讲究“搭配”。搭配意识，实际上体现了学生掌握词汇的深度。很多时候，学生只是粗浅地孤立地记住了单词的中文释义，英译时生搬硬套对应的中文的搭配方式，而不知应当“整块记忆”，甚至以句型，或固定表达的形式记忆“孤立”的单词。汉语也讲究“搭配”，遗憾的是，目前传统的表达正在受到冲击。如：电视剧男人没有烦恼的主题歌：“走出那沉甸的从前”。按照“沉甸”的减缩法，“黑压压”就是“黑压”、“兴冲冲”就可以减缩成“兴冲”了。电视剧我想有个家主题歌牵手梦缘，歌名和歌中“你我牵手梦能缘”的“缘”字，都是“圆”的错别字，而歌中反复吟唱的一句“好人都祝好人的你，愿天下人一路平安”，前句宾语残缺，如果与后句构成复句，主语又混乱不明。1.学生们很悠闲地坐在绿茵茵的草坪上，用吉他在弹奏浪漫的歌曲，有的漫步在树木夹道的通道上，尽情谈笑。原译：The students are sitting leisurely on the green lawn, playing guitars with romanticsongs or walking in the tree-lined passages, talking and laughing heartily.改译：The students are sitting leisurely on the green lawn, playing romantic songs on theguitar, or walking along the tree-lined pathways, talking and laughing heartily.小析：“在乐器上弹奏乐曲”的习惯表达是playon the (guitar), 此外，walking in the tree-lined passages也不符合习惯表达。2.你不相信吗？那你就试试吧。（kylepluto按：原文没有“那”字，不过我觉得不顺口，就加上了。还有就是，原文的例子是一路排序下来，从1到41，我觉得看着不舒服，打字的时候就按照标题给例子重新编了号。）原译：Dont you believe? Just try!改译：Dont you believe me? Just try it!小析：We only use believe intransitively when we talking about beliefs accepted across theculture and by most people. If we talk about God, the rule of law, the right to freeassembly, speech, and press, or Santa Claus, then we can say “I believe!” But theessayists idea is not at the level-he is trying to convince the reader. In this case,believe has to be used transitively.Dont you believe me?Dont you believe what I am saying?Dont you believe that this suggestion will work for you?And the partner sentence has to use the verb transitively, too. Just try it (out).3.计算机科学原译： the Science of Computer改译：Computer Science小析：这里的介词of用得不当。其实，英语中表示“的”的方法并不局限于这个介词，更多的是运用adjective-nounconstruction。以Computer Science为例，名词computer修饰science的范畴和内容，而science便成了被（名词）修饰的对象。这样的现象在英语中十分普遍，又如earth science等等。4.这餐饭让我失望。原译：And the meals make me disappointed.改译：And the meals disappointed me.小析：这是一个初涉译林者常用的句型to make sb. p.p.，其实，英语更多地使用动词的主动形式，而少用其过去分词作宾语补足语。5.他有一颗善良的心，每当我向他请教问题时，他总是为我细作解释。原译：He had a kind heart. Whenever I consulted him questions, he explained for mecarefully.改译：He had a kind heart. Whenever I consulted him about my questions, he explained thingsfor me carefully.小析：注意动词的句型：consult sb. about sth.;且句中的explained最好用作及物动词。6.要使我们的教育达到完美的程度，我们还有很长的路要走。原译：It is a long way to develop our education to a perfect status.改译：We have a long way to go in order to develop our education to an ideal status.小析：(1)“We have a long way to go”是一种相对固定的说法，不宜轻易改变。(2) Nothing is perfect! “ideal” is acceptable.7.如此一个目标确实能够给年轻人带来足够的力量去完成理想，足够的勇气去实现自己的梦想，远大的抱负。原译：Such an active butt can surely bring the young full energy to fulfill his lifetime,enough courage to realize his dream, and high expectation.改译：Such an active goal can surely bring a young person energy to fulfill his dreams,enough courage to realize his dreams, and high expectations to establish more小析：(1) butt一词确有goal的意思，但是Websters New World Dictionary已注明：Obs。而Obs即obsolete（意思是：the term or sense is no longer used but occurs in earlier writings）;(2) the young 固然可以表示“年轻人”，但在本句中还是以a young person 作泛指为宜，因为，紧接着就出现了表示单数人称的his（lifetime）；(3) to fulfill his lifetime动宾搭配欠当；此外，dream和expectation两词在表示“理想”及“期望”时，作可数名词，应加s。8.最近，越来越多的人离开自己的家乡，涌入城市，去争取更好的教育和就业的机会。原译：Recently, there are more and more people who leave their native places for flow intothe city to acquire much education and employment.改译：Recently, there are more and more people who leave their native places to flow intothe city to acquire better education and employment.小析：（1）leavefor flow into the city如此搭配不合英语语法；（2）much education and employment表达含糊，应改为：better education and employment。9.她坐在小凳子上，全神贯注地牵着风筝，如孩子一样可爱。原译：She sat on the little stool and was preoccupied in controlling the kite, as lovely asa child.改译：She sat on a little stool and was preoccupied with controlling the kite, looking aslovely as a child.小析：介词in为误用，preoccupied with是习惯搭配；此外，短语as lovely as a child前应加上looking，这样，短语的逻辑主语才明确。10.小岛的景致有小山、湖泊、岩石、山洞、庙宇、花园、树木和鲜花等等。原译：The islets landscape includes hills, lakes, rocks, caves, temples, gardens, treesand flowers, etc.改译：The islets landscape includes hills, water, rocks, caves, temples, gardens, treesand flowers, and other expressions of natural beauty.小析：译者在原译的结尾使用etc.来表达原文中的“等”，认为这是“万无一失”的译文，孰料，native speaker却“拒不接受”。美国教授写到：Do not spoil the elegance of this description with such temples, gardens, as“etc.” In its place write “and other expressions of natural beauty”.读者朋友是否感到“spoilthe elegance”的严重性？11.她有许多坏习惯，比如酗酒、无端在外过夜，以及赌博等等。原译：She has a lot of bad habits such as excessive drinking, staying out for nightunreasonably, and gambling etceteras.改译：She has a lot of bad habits such as excessive drinking, staying out for nightunreasonably, and gambling and so forth.小析：不要以为使用etc为非正式表达，而使用etceteras即正式表达，不，美国教授认为：Etceteras should be avoidedin formal writing. Use “and so forth.”12.这样一个孩子长大后很难独立于社会，更不必提和别人去竞争了。原译：Such a child can hardly stand alone in the society when growing up. Let alonecompeting with others.改译：Such a child can hardly stand alone in society when growing up, let alone competingwith others.Kylepluto按：原文“改译”中没有“can hardly”，不过我觉得不妥，不知大家以为如何？小析：（1）要当心let alone的特别用法！当它用于“更不必提”的时候，它不可单独起始一独立的句子。如：Ive not even read the first chapter, let alone finished the book.我连第一章还没看，别说读完全书了。Englishmen themselves, let alone foreigners, are often uncertain what is slang and whatisnt.英国人自己也常常不能确定什么是俚语，更不要说外国人了。（2）Delete “the” before nouns used in the general sense.12a.我认为，爱一个孩子并不意味着去为他做一切，而是帮助他独立，帮助他充分发挥他的智能。原译：In my mind, to love a child doesnt mean to do everything for him but help him to beindependent, and help him to give full play to his own wisdom.改译：In my mind, to love a child doesnt mean doing everything for him but helping him tobe independent, and helping him to give full play to his own wisdom.小析：注意句型。动词mean（意味着，意思是）后面可跟名词、代词、从句或动名词，不跟动词不定式。故原译改为：mean doingeverything/helping him/helping him14.虽然我们离开中学还不到六个月原译：Though we have left the high school for no more than six months.改译：Even though we have been out of high school for no more than six months. /Even though it is only six months since we left high school.小析：动词leave系“瞬间动词”（refers to an act of a moment），所以，不能用于“现在完成时”，故改用to be out of这样一个表示持续状态的短语；如一定要用leave这个动词，可用这样的结构：it is only six months since we left。15.我的朋友握紧了拳头，眼睛瞪着他们，好像要发动一场战争似的。原译：My friend clenched his fists and glared at them; he seemed to start a war.改译：My friend clenched his fists and glared at them; he seemed ready to start a war.小析：ready一词不可少。16.她称赞她的儿子是一个好学生。原译：She praised her son was a good student.改译：She praised her son as a good student.小析：注意句型：praise sb. as17.她能在任何季节保持她的房间明亮，井井有条。原译：She always kept room shining, tidy and neat in any season.改译：She always kept room shining, neat and tidy in any season.小析：英语中有些说法是相对固定的，无改变之余地。neat and tidy就是一例；不能说tidy and neat，虽然，意义丝毫未改。18.我想，事实上，爱情是一把双刃剑。原译：I think, in matter of fact, love is a keen two-side knife.改译：I think, as a matter of fact, love is a keen double-bladed knife.小析：注意英语中的固定表达：“事实上”-“as a matter of fact”；“双刃剑”-“a keen double-bladed knife”19.他不是别人，正是这个男孩。原译：He is no other than the boy改译：He is none other than the boy小析：这是一种固定的结构：none other than（不是别人，正是某某人）。四、词序（word order）“词序不当”的英译，有时只要多加诵读，便能有所识别。不少译者尚未养成译完后诵读几遍的习惯，所以译文便时现unEnglish。诵读，是培养英语语感的好方法，建议译者一试。1.他的自我介绍相当短，除了他姓李之外，我们几乎一无所知。原译：His self-introduction was rather short, we nearly learned nothing except that hissurname was Li.改译：His self-introduction was rather short, and we learned nearly nothing except that hissurname was Li.小析：Nearly is an adverb, a modifier, so it belongs right before the word it actuallymodifies. Moving “nearly” from in front of “nothing” to in front of “learned” changes themeaning of the sentence subtly but vitally.2.我很清楚地记得除夕前的一天，她出现了（kylepluto按：救命啊！鬼啊！）原译：Clearly I remember a day just before the New Years Eve, when she appeared改译：I clearly remember a day just before the New Years Eve, when she appeared小析：I clearly remember a day (a modifier immediately precedes the word it modifies).3.这是一个中国的俗话原译：There is a Chinese common saying改译：There is a common Chinese saying小析：Reverse the order: a common Chinese saying4.然而，我甚至没有作进一步解释的机会。原译：Yet, I was even allowed no chance to make further explanation.改译：Yet, I was not allowed even a chance to make further explanation.小析：原译的词序不当。如果把两个句子各读两遍，我们便会发现原译拗口，而改译后的句子就比较顺口易诵。我们不妨就此总结：“诵不上口”本身也许就是“词序不当”的信号。5.甚至是最精明的人有时也可能是最傻的。原译：Even a most shrewd person sometimes can be most stupid.改译：Even a most shrewd person can sometimes be most stupid.小析：注意词序：can sometimes be，而不是sometimes can be。因为：Adverbs of frequency alwaysimmediately precede the main verb if they are one-word adverbs.6.她不时地提到他的父亲，他的父亲是一个大学毕业生。原译：She spoke of his father who was a university graduate from time to time.改译：She spoke of his father from time to time who was a university graduate.小析：其实，native speaker非常讲究意群的“左邻右舍”，原译给美国教授一种可怕的歧义：Her father was auniversity graduate from time to time.请读美国教授的评注：A university graduate “from time totime”? Either one is or one is not! Do you mean that she mentioned the boys father fromtime to time? In that case, put the phrase after the verb it modifies.7.每个星期，她什么事情也不干，只是想念她的儿子，回忆那往昔快乐的日子，并且守候着。原译：Every week, she would do nothing but missing the boy, recalling the old merry daysand waiting.改译：Every week, she did nothing but miss the boy, recalling the merry old days andwaiting.小析：记住句型：do nothing but (do)；merry old days而不是old merry days。8.没有伟大的爱，没有人能在这个地球上生活下去。原译：No one can live without the great love on the earth.改译：No one can live on the earth without a great love.小析：注意词组的次序。on the earth理应紧靠动词live，且从语言学的角度看，without a great love为全句之重心，理应置于句末。类析汉译英常见拙译II五、句子结构（Sentence Structure）欲译出地道的英语，就得摸清弄懂英语的“脾性”。相对汉语而言，英语的句子构成到底存在怎样的“脾性”呢？英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，译文若是使用英语的parallelism（平行结构），其“同类项”就得形式一致。英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，要求句子内涵的逻辑关系“外化”，使用形形色色的connectives让逻辑关系“浮出水面”。这就是我们通常所说的“英语重形合”。英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，拒绝接受“片语”（fragments），认定一个短语不能成为一个表意单位。英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，主句的逻辑主语与分句或短语的主语应该一致。英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，“拖泥带水”的所谓“连写句”（run-on sentence）被认为不规范。英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，它将动词也分成了瞬间动词（momentary verb）和非瞬间动词（non-momentary verb），前者就不能使用某些时态。英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，它要求人们分清“事实”，还是“假设”，“虚拟语气”应运而生。英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，多个形容词、多个副词的排列也不能随心所欲，而得有个规矩。英语如此讲究逻辑，因此，它不提倡用介词收句尾、不提倡过多使用被动句型，等等。1.我们听见他们从大厅里出来，欢乐地唱着歌，彼此打招呼，还在讨论着接下去干些什么。原译：We can hear them coming out from the hall, singing with joy, greeting each other anddiscuss what to do next.改译：We can hear them coming out from the hall, singing with joy, greeting each other anddiscussing what to do next.小析：英语的平行结构（parallelism）。英语对平行结构的一个要求是：功能相同的结构应取相同形式。如句中的coming/singing/greeting以及最后的discussing，而原译却未能注意此点，故将discuss改成discussing。2.我已养成了遇事深思的习惯，并找到了与不同学生友好相处的方法。原译：I have formed the habit of thinking problems through thoroughly and found a way toget on well with many different types of students.改译：I have formed the habit of thinking problems through thoroughly. In addition, I havefound a way to get on well with many different types of students.小析：原译照汉语直译，汉语使用了一个“并”字，英译则使用了一个and，遗憾的是，英语不接受这样拖沓、层次欠清的表达。连词and在此也难以体现前后潜在的“因果”关系。使用介词短语in addition，前后两句的内在逻辑得以明显“外化”，两句彼此独立，句义鲜明。3.无论将来发生什么，此事将永留在我的心间。原译：No matter what will happen in the future, it will remain in my mind.改译：No matter what happens in the future, it will remain in my mind.小析：状语从句的时态当谨慎，这里的将来时应该改为一般现在时。4.我们这些女孩将和他们同班，并同学四年，能期待什么欢乐呢？我想。原译：What fun we girls could expect, to stay in the same class, studying for four longyears with them? I wondered.改译:What fun could we girls expect, staying in the same class, studying for four longyears with them, I wondered.小析：（1）to stay.与studying for four long years形式应统一，取-ing形式为好。（2）英语除可用“？”来表达疑问外，尚可用词序（word order）加以表达，故，原“？”可改用“，”。5.到现在为止，在我的业余时间，我从来没有停止过到那儿去。原译：Up to now, Ive never stopped going there in my spare time.改译：Ever since, I have been going there in my free time.小析：(1) “Ever since” focuses on the past action which leads to a change continuing in thepresent; “up to now” focuses on a negative; it should be used with a sentence aboutsomething not done up to now.(2)此句宜用肯定句型，这样，才显得顺畅自然：I have been going there in my free time。6.当我第一次见到他时，我想他和我一样大，因为他看上去如此年轻。原译：When I first saw him, I thought he was as old as me. Because he looked so young.改译：When I first saw him, I thought he was as old as I because he looked do young.小析：(1) “as old as I” is used because “I” is the subject of the implied repetition of theverb “be”(as old as I am);(2) “Because” always introduces a subordinate clause, which cannot stand alone as asentence, so the writer must continue the cause clause as part of the effect clauserather than punctuating it as if it were a separate sentence.7.他叫我“不要在大学里交女朋友”，“因为我们的职责是学习”。原译：And he let me “not make girl friend in college”, “because our duty is studying.”改译：And he urged me “nottomake girl friend in college”, “because our duty is studying.”小析：If you are using part of a direct quote and need to add some element to make itgrammatical in its new context, you may put square brackets around the added element.（这是我们不够注意的小技巧。如果把to拿掉，从整体看，句子将变得ungrammatical。）8.她虽然是一名教师，却因善画卡通画而知名。原译：A teacher as she is, shes well-known for her drawing cartoon pictures.改译：Teacher that she is, shes well known for drawing cartoon pictures.小析：注意改译句中的这种引导状语从句表示让步的用法。又如：a. Child that he was, he did not believe what she said.他虽然是个小孩，却没有轻信她的话。b. Difficult that the task was, they managed to accomplish it in time.虽然任务很艰巨，但他们还是设法如期完成了。9.由于两个女儿都在国外，现在她一个人独居。原译：Now shes living alone with two daughters abroad.改译：Now shes living alone as her two daughters live abroad.小析：with 复合宾语固然可以作原因状语，但是，在此句中，with和is living可能造成歧义，引起误解。10.他们自甘忍受一切苦难，这就增加了他们的负担。原译：They are willing to bear all sufferings. Hence, it adds to their burden.改译：They are willing to bear all suffering, which adds to their burden.小析：原句中的“这”，引导了一个“外位结构”，而汉语“外位结构”的英译可用一个定语从句，这是一个窍门。因为，英语的定语从句常具状语从句的功能。此外，“suffering”是一个collective noun，所有不能加-s。11.我们的图书馆读者文摘杂志短缺，我就得预定了。原译：Being short of Readers Digest in our library, I have to make a reservation for it.改译：I have to make a reservation for Readers Digest, which is not within easy access inour library.小析：原句的分词结构的逻辑主语与分句的主语I是不一致的。语法书称这种分词结构为“无依着分词结构”（Unattached ingParticiple Construction）。如：Entering the room, nobody was found in it.这样的句子从修辞角度看是应该避免的。但是，在一定的上下文中，但意义不至引起误解时，这种句子还是可以接受的。汉译英时，宜有意识的加以避免为好。12.首先，我们的社会在进步，我们的需求也越来越多样化，而我们的闲暇时间却越来越少。原译：First, as our society advances, our demands have become more and more diversified.But our leisure time is becoming more and more limited.改译：The first reason is that, as our society advances, our demands have become more andmore diversified, but our leisure time is becoming more and more limited.小析：为了使行文转折自然（good transitions）可考虑改为：The first reason is that。此外，原译中的两句可以合并成一句，表达将更清晰精炼：“our demands have become more and more diversified, but our leisuretime is becoming”。12a.但我骑车到那儿的时候，已经大汗淋漓。原译：I was already perspiring on my bike when I got there.改译：I was already perspiring when I got there on my bike.小析：介词短语on my bike置于状语从句（when I got there）之后为宜。14.只有当我们学好了外语，我们才能熟悉国际惯例，并赢得引进外资、技术和管理。原译：Only when we are good at foreign languages, we can know well about the internationalpractices and take the advantages of introducing foreign capitals, technology,management.改译：Only when we are good at foreign languages can we become well acquainted withinternational practices and make the opportunity to introduce foreign capital,technology, management.小析：(1)这是一个由only when引导的倒装句型，主谓we can应倒置；(2) “capital” is a non-count noun; do not add s.15.另一个理由是，家是训练一个人办事、解决问题以及培养独立精神的第一个所在。原译：Another reason is that a home is the first base to train a persons ability of doingthings and solving problems and to foster a person to be independent.改译：Another reason is that a home is the first base for training a persons ability to dothings and solve problems and to foster a persons independence.小析：the first base to train a persons ability of doing things and solving problems改成了the first base for training a persons ability to do things and solve problems这个改动告诉我们，译者尚不清楚动名词强调状态而不定式则较侧重动作。16.当我打开包裹的时候，我大吃一惊。里面全是花生，就是以这样特殊的方式，我的父母向我表达他们对我的爱。原译：When I opened the parcel, to my great surprise, it was full of peanuts, in thespecial way, my parents had expressed their love to me.改译：When I opened the parcel, to my great surprise, it was full of peanuts. In thisspecial way, my parents had expressed