怎样经营你的友谊银行.doc

How To Handle A Run On The Friendship BankFor 20 years, Christina Steinorth was happy to help one of her close friends with whatever she needed - last-minute baby sitting, a drive to work when her car was in the shop, countless hours of free marriage advice (Ms. Steinorth is a licensed marriage and family therapist). She didnt expect anything in return.When Ms. Steinorth and her husband decided to adopt a baby a few years ago, she asked her pal to write a letter of recommendation. The friend agreed enthusiastically, Ms. Steinorth says, but months went by and no letter arrived. She asked again and the friend apologized profusely, but still no letter. After several more months, Ms. Steinorth asked one more time. Her friend ignored her.I learned a very painful lesson - that she wanted more from me than she was willing to give back, Ms. Steinorth said.Have you ever tried to make a withdrawal from the friendship bank, only to find your balance was much lower than you thought it was?Friendship should be more than a series of tit-for-tat transactions: If I do a favor for you, then you will do one for me. Social psychologists call this view of relationships exchange orientation and say it is more suited to business associates or other non-intimate relationships than to loved ones. In our close relationships, wed like to think we give without expecting anything in return.But thats just not reality. We do want something from friends - emotional support, attention, a hand when we need one. Although we may not keep count, we do want to be able to count on them.Researchers have long known we feel bad about a relationship if we believe were giving but getting nothing back. You need to perceive a balance between the costs and the rewards in a friendship or other close relationship, or there will be relational distress, says David Henningsen, professor of communication at Northern Illinois University.People who usually make an effort to help others, without regard to whether they will get something in return, are considered to have high communal orientation. New research from the University of Toronto, published this month in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, suggests they are happier than people with low communal orientation.To study this, the researchers had 232 people rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 7 on 14 statements such as, I often come to the help of others in need, I believe people should go out of their way to be helpful and It bothers me when other people neglect my needs. The research subjects then completed surveys three times a week for one month, recording their levels of self-esteem, positive emotions, relationship satisfaction and love for humanity overall.The results: Being a helpful person feels good and contributes to better relationships and greater satisfaction and self-worth, says Bonnie Le, a Ph.D candidate at the University of Toronto and lead researcher on the study.Even so, people with strong communal orientation arent completely selfless. They do expect their friends will be there if they need them. The risk they run is they wont receive support, or they will even be exploited, by friends or loved ones with low communal orientation.So what can you do if you tend to give a lot in a friendship and dont always get what you need in return? Start by rechanneling some of your giving. Volunteer for charity or help someone less fortunate. Youll enjoy the benefits of providing help and will be free of the expectation that you will receive something in return.When making a new friend, pay attention early on to the other persons communal orientation. Does he ask about you and actually pay attention to your answer? Is she willing to do something you suggest doing, or work around your schedule? Not everyone is capable of giving at the same level. But if you are aware of who you are dealing with, you will be less likely to have expectations that wont be met.Finally, realize that not all relationships can be fixed - and thats OK. Ultimately, you need to decide who is worthy of your friendship. Learning to have more balanced interactions will help your future relationships.Ms. Steinorth, who is 48 and lives in Santa Barbara, Calif., no longer speaks to her former friend. I thought, After all the little things Ive done, all the times Ive been there for you, I ask for just one thing and you cant do it? she recalls thinking. Her former friend did eventually write a nice letter of recommendation, she says, after Ms. Steinorth had her husband make the request. But by then the couples application was no longer valid.As a result of this experience, Ms. Steinorth says, she holds back a little in her relationships, giving more to people who really need her assistance and cant reciprocate or even say thank you. Instead of cooking three dishes for family get-togethers, she cooks one and makes several casseroles for the homeless. And she volunteers at a Basset Hound rescue organization. She also pays close attention to a new friends style of communal orientation.Its not my nature, but I dont get hurt anymore, says Ms. Steinorth, who has written a book about communication in friendships and other relationships. I let go of the expectation that everyone wants the same thing from a relationship, because they dont. transactiontrnzkn, -sk-, tr:n-n. 交易；事务；办理；会报，学报 tittitn. 乳头；山雀；各种小鸟；小马；少妇；轻打 candidatekndideit, -dtn. 候选人，候补者；应试者 charitytrtin. 慈善；施舍；慈善团体；宽容；施舍物 intimateintimtadj. 亲密的；私人的；精通的；有性关系的n. 知己；至交vt. 暗示；通知；宣布 distressdistresn. 危难，不幸；贫困；悲痛vt. 使悲痛；使贫困 therapisterpistn. 临床医学家；治疗学家 psychologistpsaikldistn. 心理学家，心理学者 emotionimunn. 情感；情绪 emotionalimunladj. 情绪的；易激动的；感动人的怎样经营你的友谊银行去20年来，无论密友有什么事情需要帮助，克里斯蒂娜斯泰诺特(Christina Steinorth)一直都乐意帮忙，比如临时受托替她照看孩子、在她车子送去维修时送她上班，以及提供无数个小时的免费婚姻咨询（斯泰诺特是一名持照婚姻家庭治疗师）。斯泰诺特并未期望获得任何回报。几年前，斯泰诺特与丈夫决定收养一个孩子，便请这位好友给她写一封推荐信。斯泰诺特说，朋友热情地答应了，但是几个月过去，她没收到任何信件。她又问了一次，朋友再三道歉，但是依然没有寄信过来。几个月后，斯泰诺特又问了一次，这位朋友干脆置之不理。斯泰诺特说：“我得到了一个非常惨痛的教训她更想从我这儿得到帮助，而没那么愿意做出回报。”你是否也有过想从“友谊银行”取款，却发现余额远远比你想象的要少的经历呢？友情不应当仅仅是一系列有来有往的交易：如果我帮了你的忙，你也要帮我一次。社会心理学家将这种友情观称为“交换取向”(exchange orientation)。他们认为，这更适合商业伙伴或其他不太亲近的关系，并不适于与亲友的关系。在一段亲密关系中，我们总是愿意认为自己不求任何回报地付出。然而，这并非事实。我们的确会对朋友有所求情感支持、关注以及在我们需要之时伸出援手。虽然我们也许不会“锱铢必较”，但我们确实希望能指望上他们。研究人员很早就知道，如果我们认为自己在一段关系中一直付出却得不到任何回报，我们就会对它心生嫌隙。北伊利诺伊大学(Northern Illinois University)沟通心理学教授戴维亨宁森(David Henningsen)指出：“在友情或其他亲密的关系中，你需要感知到你的付出与收获是平衡的，否则这段关系会出现危机。”常常尽力帮助他人，不计较他们是否获得回报的人被认为具有很强的“公共取向”(communal orientation)。多伦多大学(University of Toronto)于9月份发表在社会与人际关系杂志(Social and Personal Relationships)的新研究指出，这些人比公共取向度低的人更快乐。为了展开这项研究，研究人员让232名受试者就14项描述按一至七分的等级为自己评分，包括“我常常帮助需要帮助的人”、“我认为人们应当竭尽全力帮助他人”以及“别人忽视我的需求时，我心里会不舒服”等等。这些受试者接着还要连续一个月每周完成三次调查，记录他们的自尊感、积极情绪、对关系的满足感以及对整个人类的爱的程度。多伦多大学博士、该项研究的领头人邦尼勒(Bonnie Le)称，结果表明“做个有帮助的人会让人感觉