做真正的自己——Ellen

做真正的自己Ellen When I finished school, I was completely lost. And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didnt know what I wanted to do. I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought Id just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didnt really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what Im saying is, when youre older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?当我从学校毕业的时候，我完完全全迷失了自我，学校我指的是初中（大家笑），后来我也继续念完了高中。我当时，没有任何的野心，不知道自己想做什么。我什么工作都做，我挖生蚝，当带位员，做酒保，当服务生，粉刷房子，卖吸尘器完全不知道自己想做什么。我只想随便找个糊口的工作，过一辈子，能有钱负得起房租就行，我完全没有任何计划。我想说的是，当我像你们这么大的时候，我真的以为我了解自己，但其实我并不了解，举例来说，我像你们这么大的时候，还在和男人约会（大家大笑）。所以我的意思是：当你们再长大些后，大多数的人，都会是gay!（场内爆笑，ellen自己也笑了）Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didnt know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I dont understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldnt it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.总之，当时我不知道我的人生要干嘛，而最后我找到了我人生目标，却是因为一件十分悲惨的事。我那时可能才19岁，当时的女朋友因为车祸身亡了。我经过了事故现场，并不知道是她，还继续往前走。不久后，才知道那是她。我当时住在地下室的公寓，没有钱，没有暖气，房子里都是跳蚤。我困惑不已，心想，为何她突然走了，而为何我又呆再这样一个境地里。我无法理解，但其中一定有什么理由。要是能直接拿起电话打给上帝问个清楚，不就太好了。And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadnt even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, Im gonna do this on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson- at the time he was the king - and Im gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down. And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.于是我开始写一些东西，心里涌现出一段我和上帝的对话，虽然只是我一个人的独白。当我完成了它后，我阅读了这个剧本，对自己说，我说我要在“今夜秀”上和强尼.卡森一起表演这一段。强尼.卡森是当时主持届的天王，我对自己说我要成为该节目史上第一个被邀请和强尼一起坐下来访问的女性。数年之后，我成为这个节目史上，第一位也是唯一一位，被邀请坐下来和他访问的女性。就因为那段我写的和上帝打电话的剧本。And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldnt like me, they wouldnt laugh at me.从此我开始做单人脱口秀，做得很成功，也很辛苦，因为我想讨好每一个人，同时又守着我身为同性恋的秘密。我想人们要是发现了，就不会喜欢我了。Then my career turned into - I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out Im gay, then theyll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents - this was back, many years ago - and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldnt live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasnt to make a political statement, it wasnt to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, Whats the worst that could happen? I can lose my career. I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper. The phone didnt ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all.后来我又有了自己的喜剧，也很成功，更进一步的成功。我于是更担心，要是别人发现了怎么办，是不是就不会看我的节目了？这都是很久以前的事了，你们可能不知道，那都