第二部分 写作高分技法示例-高中英语

二.写作高分技法示例

（2021.新高考I卷）

AMOTHER'SDAYSURPRISE

Thetwinswerefilledwithexcitementastheythoughtofthesurprisetheywere

planningforMother\Day.HowpleasedandproudMotherwouldbewhenthey

broughtherbreakfastinbed.TheyplannedtomakeFrenchtoastandchicken

porridge.Theyhadwatchedtheirmotherinthekitchen.Therewasnothingtoit.

JennaandJeffknewexactlywhattodo.

Thebigdaycameatlast.Thealarmrangat6a.m.Thepairwentdownthestairs

quietlytothekitchen.Theydecidedtoboiltheporridgefirst.Theyputsomericeinto

apotofwaterandleftittoboilwhiletheymadetheFrenchtoast.Jeffbroketwoeggs

intoaplateandaddedinsomemilk.Jennafoundthebreadandputtwoslicesintothe

eggmixture.Next,Jeffturnedonthesecondstoveburnertoheatupthefryingpan.

EverythingwasgoingsmoothlyuntilJeffstartedfryingthebread.Thepanwastoo

hotandthebreadturnedblackwithinseconds.Jennathrewtheburntpieceintothe

sinkandputintheothersliceofbread.Thistime,sheturneddownthefiresoit

cookednicely.

ThenJeffnoticedsteamshootingoutofthepotandthelidstartingtoshake.The

nextminute,theporridgeboiledoverandputoutthefire.Jennapanicked.Thankfully,

Jeffstayedcalmandturnedoffthegasquickly.Butthestovewasamessnow.Jenna

toldJefftocleanitupsotheycouldcontinuetocooktherestoftheporridge.But

Jeff'shandtouchedthehotburnerandhegaveacryofpain.Jennamadehimputhis

handincoldwater.Thenshecaughtthesmellofburning.Ohdear!Thepieceof

breadinthepanhadturnedblackaswell.

注意:续写词数应为150个左右。

Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfatherappeared.

Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.

Step1:厘清写作主题把握写作走向

要素描述主题

whenMother'sDay本文以母亲节为线索展开，讲述r双胞胎

whereAthomeJenna和Jeff为了献给母亲一份美味的早

whoThetwins—JeffandJenna餐启己动手做起早餐来，但不幸的是，他

Thepairpreparedbreakfast们接连失败,后来在父亲的帮助下获得成

what

fortheirmother.功,他们把早餐献给亲爱的母亲，母亲非常

Theywantedtogivetheir感动的故事。

why

motherasurprise.

Step2:寻找两条主线深挖续写要点

文段线索文脉线索

情感线excited—>disappointcd

First,theyboiledtheporridge.—Next,theymadetheFrench

前文toast.—>Asliceofbreadturnedblack.—>Thentheyfoundthe

故事线“

porridgeboiledoverandputoutthefire.—>Theotherpieceof

breadturnedblack,too.

续写1.Theymadethebreadandthenwentoncookingporridge.

要点2.TheirmotherwassurprisedtofindthebreakfastcookedbyJeffandJenna.

Step3:精研每段首句做好起承转合

根据所给续文段落首句产生问题链接,形成续写思路，采用G-N(Given-New)

和Q-A(Question-Answer)策略，做好起承转合创造新的情节。

Paragraph1:Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfather

appeared.

QI:WhatwasFather'sfirstinstinctwhenfacedwiththemess?

Q2:Howdidthetwinsexplaintheirplantotheirfather?

Q3:WhatdidFatherdotohelpthetwinstomakedeliciousFrenchtoastandchicken

porridge?

Paragraph2:Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.

QI:WhatwasMother'sfirstinstinctwhenthetwinswokeherup?

Q2:WouldthetwinsgiveMotherabigsurprise?Howdidtheyexpresstheirbest

wishestoMother?

Q3:HowdidMotherfeel?Howcanyoudesigntheendingmoreappealingand

meaningful?

续写第一段Theirfatherhelpedthemadjustthetireandtheypreparedbreakfast

梗概successfully.Howhappytheywere!

续写第二段Thetwins'motherwassurprisedtoseethedeliciousandperfect

梗概breakfastinfrontofher.Shewasdeeplymovedbyherchildren.

Step4:吃透语言特点保持风格一致

为了使所写的内容和语言和原文保持连贯性和一致性,读后续写需要通过在

理解原文的基础上，巧妙利用“拉平效应”，创造性地模仿和使用语言，即继承原文

语言表达方面的显著特征，包括写作手法及语言表达技巧,从而一方面保证写作

的效率和流畅度，另一方面保证写作在各个语言层次和表达风格上和原文保持一

致。

通过分析语篇，可以从五个方面理解原文的语言应用技巧：

1场景描写(Surroundings)

场景描写指的是描写人、物、事发生的时间、地点、自然环境及社会场景等。

场景描写可以充当背景信息，提供人、物、事发生的具体设定。其次，场景描写可

以表达角色的感情、情绪，可以随着情节的发展有所变化，甚至可以提示、推动情

节的发展,增强语篇的代入感。

2动作描写(Actions)

动作描写指的是描写人物在具体情况下的行为举止，是情节发展的具体体现。恰

到好处的动作描写不仅可以塑造生动形象的人物，还可以反映人物的情感态度及

心理变化,并最终反映人物的性格特点及思想品质。

3.心理描写(Feelings)

心理描写指的是描写人物在具体情况下的看法、感受、情感及心理活动,并由此

反映人物的性格特点及思想品质。心理描写除了对心理的直接描写，还可以结合

动作描写及场景描写，共同构成有意义、紧凑的语篇。

4.有效对话(EffectiveDialogues)

有效对话是记叙语篇中塑造人物的一个重要手段。对话的有效性首先体现在符

合人物设定，这样不仅能够有效地推动情节的发展,更能够增加记叙的生动性。此

外，对话语言也要符合记叙语篇的语言特点，即生活化、简化及去书面化。

5.修辞(Figuresofspeech)

修辞是增加语言生动性的最佳手段。它可以引起共鸣，使抽象的情境具体化。常

见的可以应用的修辞有比喻、拟人、夸张和排比等。

考场满分作文1：

Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfatherappeared.©

Father'sappearingwaslikeasaviortothetwochildren.©Undertheguidanceoftheir

father,theytookpositiveactionandstartedalloveragain.Theymadethebreadand

thenwentoncookingporridge.Fatherhelpedthemadjustthefire,③whichwasthe

keytosuccess.ltwasallrightthistime.Deliciousbreakfastwasready.@Howhappy

theywere!

Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.⑤Whentheir

mothersawthedeliciousandperfectbreakfastinfrontofher,shewasverysurprised.

@Itwasnotonlythegift,buttheloveofthechildrenforherthatmovedher

verymuch.Thetwochildrencouldfinishcookingabreakfast,whichshedidn't

expect.Thechildrensaidloudly,⑦“HappyMother'sDay!"⑧Motherhuggedthem

tightlyandkissedthemagainandagain.

评卷老师点评：

①过渡自然流畅。②时态、语境和前文相互照应。③使用高分句式。④使用高

分句式。⑤使用高分句式。⑥使用并列结构。⑦使用直接引语，生动真实。⑧动

作及情感表达真实细腻。

考场满分作文2:

Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfatherappeared.Faced

withthemessthetwinshadmadeofthekitchen,Fatherfeltannoyedbuttriedto

containhimself.Jennaranuptohim,whispering“We...Wcjustwanttomake

breakfastforMomasMother'sDaygift”Afterhelearnedwhatallwasabout,his

annoyancegavewaytoreliefanddelight.Immediately,hejoinedthemandthey

startedalloveragain.SoontheFrenchtoastandchickenporridgewereready.The

kitchenfilledwiththescentofbreakfastandsweetnessofafamily.Lookingat

thework,thethreeexchangedanunderstandingsmile.Aftersignalingthemto

keepitasecret,Fatherslippedintothebedroom,pretendingtoknownothingabout

it.

Thetwinscarriedthebreakfastupstairsandwoketheirmotherup.Stillalittle

sleepy,Motherfailedtofigureoutwhattheywereupto."HappyMother'sDay!”The

twinscongratuIated/'Wemadebreakfastfbryouasyoudothatfbrus.Mom,welove

you!,,Thoughstillinherpajamas,Mothertookabiteofthetoastandsippedthehot

porridge.Lostinthedeliciousbreakfastandpurelovefromhertwins,shesobbed,

withdelightfultearsstreamingdownherface.Lovingly,shepressedtwogentle

kissesontheirforeheads,proudlyenjoyingtheirbestwishes.Theirfatherwas

standinginthedoorway,recordingthistouchingscene.Thewholeroomwasbathed

inahappyMother'sDayatmosphere.

评卷老师点评:文章用词精准(whisper,understanding,signal,pretend,lostin,

streamdown,proudly等)，句式高级(非谓语动词、独立主格和介词with的复合结

构等)，通过动作、对话和心理活动等描写,生动、形象地呈现了双胞胎孩子在母亲

节为妈妈做早餐，献上一份特别的节日礼物和惊喜。

考场满分作文3:

Asthetwinslookedaroundthemindisappointment,theirfather

appeared.Seeingthemess,Fatherfrozewithshock,asifrootedontheground.

Fromtheblackbreadandthespilledporridge,hesuddenlyfiguredouttheirsecret.A

smileofunderstandingflashedacrosshisface.Herealizedtheirintention.Hejoined

theminpreparingtheMother\Daysurpriseimmediately.Theystartedallover

again.Everythingwentsmoothly.Thechickenandriceweredancingharmoniously

intheboilingwaterpotandbreadsliceswereshowingoffitsmosttremendous

goldencolor.SoontheFrenchtoastandchickenporridgewereready.Thekitchen

filledwiththescentofbreakfastandsweetnessofafamily.Despitetheoilstainson

thetwins'aprons,nothingseemedimp