HowtoForgive.doc

How to Forgive, and Why You ShouldLetting bygones be bygones isnt easy. But its good for the body and soulBy Angela Haupt for U.S. News HealthThe deepest wounds feel like theyll last a lifetime: The absent mother who robbed you of the mother-daughter bond you craved and deserved. The eighth-grade bully who turned the classroom into a living nightmare. The boyfriend who broke his promises and chose her instead.You feel bitter. You still hold a grudge. But clinging to those betrayals and disappointments, that hurt, is bad for the body and mind. Its inevitable that well all be hurt by others, and that it will happen often, says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, whos based in Pasadena, Calif. People have accidents, make mistakes, behave selfishly and even intentionally try to hurt one another. We cant escape it. Forgiveness is a vulnerable act that can feel like it opens us up to more pain. But we need to have a way to process and let go of the effects of injury, or we risk serious physical and emotional consequences.Indeed, experts say that forgiving those who have wronged us helps lower blood pressure, cholesterol and heart rate. One study found that forgiveness is associated with improved sleep quality, which has a strong effect on health. And Duke University researchers report a strong correlation between forgiveness and strengthened immunity among HIV-positive patients. The benefits arent just limited to the physical, either: Letting go of old grudges reduces levels of depression, anxiety and anger. People who forgive tend to have better relationships, feel happier and more optimistic and overall, enjoy better psychological well-being.Anecdotes support the research. Psychologist Robert Enright, author of The Forgiving Life, has taught forgiveness in a variety of settings, and next year hell do so in Liberia in the wake of a 14-year civil war. Every human being on the planet has been injured by anothers injustice, and how we respond to that can make all the difference, he says. Dwelling on negative emotions makes it more likely to displace pent-up anger, lashing out on a friend or family member. Forgiveness helps quiet anger so it doesnt spill over onto innocent others, Enright says.If youre bent on holding grudges, you may become so wrapped up in past wrongs that you cant enjoy the present. You may feel helpless, or like life is meaningless. You could jeopardize future relationships. If you dont get past some of the wounds of the past, you tend to bring them into everything else you pursue, says psychotherapist Frank Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project and author of Forgive for Good. Hes spent more than 20 years studying forgiveness. If youve been dumped or treated badly, and you dont really heal, youre going to be less trusting, more defensive, and more quarrelsome with the next guy - or even the next five - because you still carry visceral pain. When we cant move past that, we stay a prisoner of our worst experiences. And feeling that way, constantly on edge, resentful, and maybe even frightened, certainly isnt healthy.Still, no one ever said forgiveness was easy. Its a difficult process, Enright says, one that takes serious hard work over months or even a year. The first step is understanding what forgiveness is: a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge, and perhaps even reaching a place of understanding, empathy and compassion. Its not reconciling. And its not forgetting - in fact, its important to remember what hurt you so you can avoid it in the future, Howes says. Forgiveness also doesnt justify or excuse what the other person did. Rather, it helps achieve a sense of peace.Theres no single manual for forgiveness, though several experts tout their own methods. Howes suggests focusing on four elements:Express the emotion. Let yourself feel hurt and angry. Verbalize the way you feel. Ideally, express it to the person who made you feel that way. Otherwise, talk to a stand-in friend or even an empty chair. Write a letter; you dont need to send it. Shout your emotions at the top of your lungs while youre in the car, alone, with the windows down.Understand why. We want explanations - even if we dont agree with them. Was it a misunderstanding? Were you mad at me? Some sort of cognitive framework is necessary, even if you dont like the reason (she was just a selfish jerk), Howes says.Rebuild safety. Before you forgive, you need to feel reasonably sure that the act wont reoccur. That might mean an apology, reassurance from the person in question, distance or stronger boundaries.Let go. Perhaps its the hardest part: making a conscious decision not to hold a grudge. If youre in a relationship, this means not bringing up past transgressions. By letting go, you give up your role as the victim and become equals again. Its a promise to yourself to stop ruminating and to fully move on.When you feel upset, try a stress-management technique, like deep breaths or a yoga session, adds Luskin.No matter how you go about it, choosing to forgive will likely prove a worthwhile endeavor. About a decade ago, Luskin did a research project with a group of mothers whose sons had been murdered in northern Ireland. One woman had been searching for her sons body since 1987. Luskin spent a week teaching the women how to forgive the person who had murdered their child. A year later, he reunited with the entire group. The daughter of one of the women came up and hugged us, and thanked us for giving her her mother back, Luskin says. The mother had been so consumed with anger that she was never able to be there for her other children. But she finally learned to forgive, and her daughter said, We have a mother again.2013年第7期英语世界Happy teenagers earn more as adultsA study suggests that the happiest people at 16 and 18 earn around 10% more than the average income a decade laterAlok Jha, science correspondent The happier you are as a teenager, the more money you are likely to earn by the time you reach 30, according to a long-term study that tracked the wellbeing and income of more than 10,000 people.Researchers found that the unhappiest people at age 16 and 18 earned 30% less than average earnings a decade later, whereas the happiest earned around 10% more than average.They also found that every one-point increase on a life-satisfaction scale at the age of 22 was associated with an increase of almost $2,000 in annual earnings by the age of 29.The effects could be down to several factors, said the researchers, including the higher probability of getting a university education if you are happier, as a result of being more optimistic and less neurotic.The study comes a day ahead of the release of the first annual report on national wellbeing from the UK government. The initiative was launched in 2010 by David Cameron, in part as a recognition that GDP is an incomplete measure of a countrys progress.Jan-Emmanuel De Neve of University College London and the Centre for Economic Performance at the London School of Economics, said: Everybody feels intuitively that the individuals who have a sunny disposition have a larger network and more opportunities seem to come their way, they are more likely to rise in an organisation and become a leader in the group. All these things have indirect ways of ending up in higher earnings and there is a direct effect that goes direct to income.His data come from the US National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, which has recorded happiness and wellbeing scores for more than 15,000 people since 1994. Just over 10,000 participants were suitable for De Neves analysis and were asked about their happiness and life satisfaction at around ages 16, 18 and 21. At age 29, they were also asked about their income.If I were to find a person who was very dissatisfied with their life at 20 or 21 and compared them to a person who was very satisfied with their life at that age, the statistical prediction would then be that theres a $10,000 difference between their later earnings, said De Neve.The study, published on Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences and authored with Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick, controlled for a range of factors including IQ, gender and socioeconomic background.Among siblings the differences in happiness led to even greater differences in subsequent income than the rest of the population. De Neve isolated around 3,000 people in the study whose siblings also took part and looked at the variation in their wellbeing scores at ages 16, 18 and 22 to see how they differed from the rest of the population. Siblings with a one point difference (on a five point scale) in happiness in their teens, had roughly a $4,000 difference in earnings later on - around twice the difference for non-siblings.This study adds to a small but growing literature which suggests that the relationship between income and happiness works both ways, said Christopher Snowdon, a research fellow at the Institute of Economic Affairs and one of the authors of .And the Pursuit of Happiness.We know that wealthy people tend to score higher on life satisfaction surveys and that wealthier countries tend to be happier countries. There are plenty of reasons why a comfortable standard of living helps to make us happier, but it should also not be surprising if a persons state of mind influences their future job prospects.From a policy perspective, the best lever for improving the wellbeing of the nation remains economic growth. Money cannot always buy happiness but it certainly seems to help and as this study suggests greater happiness leads to still greater prosperity.Elaine Fox, a cognitive psycholo