初中英语课件Best collection of humour

BestcollectionofEnglishHumour

anecdotes,jokesandfunnystories

Part1

Seenonarestroomwall:

"Godisdead:Nietzsche.

Nietzscheisdead:God."

AUniversalPhilosophicalRefutation

Aphilosopheroncehadthefollowingdrcam.

FirstAristotleappeared,andthephilosophersaidtohim,"Couldyougivemea

fifteen-minutecapsulesketchofyourentirephilosophy?"Tothephilosopher's

surprise,Aristotlegavehimanexcellentexpositioninwhichhecompressedan

enormousamountofmaterialintoamerefifteenminutes.Butthenthephilosopher

raisedacertainobjectionwhichAristotlecouldn'tanswer.Confounded,Aristotle

disappeared.ThenPlatoappeared.Thesamethinghappenedagain,andthe

philosophers'objectiontoPlatowasthesameashisobjectiontoAristotle.Platoalso

couldn'tansweritanddisappeared.Thenallthefamousphilosophersofhistory

appearedone-by-oneandourphilosopherrefutedeveryonewiththesameobjection.

Afterthelastphilosophervanished,ourphilosophersaidtohimself,"IknowI'm

asleepanddreamingallthis.YetI'vefoundauniversalrefutationforailphilosophical

systems!TomorrowwhenIwakeup,Iwillprobablyhaveforgottenit,andtheworld

willreallymisssomething!"Withanironeffort,thephilosopherforcedhimselfto

wakeup,rushovertohisdesk,andwritedownhisuniversalrefutation.Thenhe

jumpedbackintobedwithasighofrelief.Thenextmorningwhenheawoke,hewent

overtothedesktoseewhathehadwritten.Itwas,"That'swhatyousay.”

Math,Physics,&Philosophy

Dean,tothephysicsdepartment."WhydoIalwayshavetogiveyouguyssomuch

money,forlaboratoriesandexpensiveequipmentandstuff.Whycouldn'tyoubelike

themathdepartment-alltheyneedismoneyforpencils,paperandwaste-paper

baskets.Orevenbetter,likethephilosophydepartment.Alltheyneedarcpencilsand

paper."

Tracker

AfamilywasvisitinganIndianreservationwhentheyhappenuponanoldtribesman

layingfacedowninthemiddleoftheroadwithhisearpressedfirmlyagainstIhe

blacktop.Thefatherofthefamilyaskedtheoldtribesmanwhathewasdoing.

Thetribesmanbegantospeak..."woman,latethirties,threekids,onebarkingdogin

latemodel,Fourdoorstationwagon,travelingat65m.p.h.M

"That'samazing'1exclaimedthefather."Youcantellallofthatbyjustlisteningtothe

ground"?

"No",saidtheoldtribesman."Theyjustranovermefiveminutesago!"

SherlockHolmesandWatson

SherlockHolmesandDrWatsonwentonacampingtrip.Afteragoodmealanda

bottleofwinetheylaydownforthenight,andwenttosleep.Somehourslater,

Holmesawokeandnudgedhisfaithfulfriendawake."Watson,lookupattheskyand

tellmewhatyousee."Watsonreplied,seemillionsandmillionsofstars."

"Whatdoesthattellyou?"Holmesquestioned.

Watsonponderedforaminute."Astronomically,ittellsmethattherearemillionsof

galaxiesandpoluiiliallybillionsufplanuls.Aslrologiizally,IobservethatSaturnisin

Leo.Horologically,Ideducethatthetimeisapproximatelyaquarterpastthree.

Theologically,IcanseethatGodisallpowerfulandthatwearesmalland

insignificant.Meteorologically,Isuspectthatwewillhaveabeautifuldaytomorrow.

Whatdoesittellyou?"

Holmeswassilentforaminute,thenspoke."Watson,youretard.Ittellsmethatsome

bastardhasstolenourtent!"

IrishWife

Atthe1998WorldWomen'sConference,thefirstspeakerfromEnglandstoodup:

"Atlastyear'sconferencewespokeaboutbeingmoreassertivewithourhusbands.

WellaftertheconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolonger

cookforhimandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.

AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIsawthathehadcookeda

wonderfulroastlamb."

Thecrowdcheered.

ThesecondspeakerfromAmericastoodup:''Afterlastyear'sconferenceIwenthome

andtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongerdohislaundryandthathewouldhaveto

doithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.

RutafterthethirddayIsawthathehaddonenotonlyhisownwashinghutmy

washingaswell.”

Thecrowdcheered.

ThethirdspeakerfromIrelandstoodup:"Afterlastyear'sconferenceIwenthome

andtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongerdohisshoppingandthathewouldhave

todoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.

ButafterthethirddayIcouldseealittlebitoutofmylefteye.”

LanguageProblem

AbusslopsandtwoItalianmengeton.Theyseatthemselvesandengageinanimated

conversation.TheladysittingbehindthemignoresIheirconversationatfirst,buther

attentionisgalvanizedwhenshehearsoneofthemensaythefollowing:"Emma

comefirsl.DenIcome.DunIwoassesconictogether.Iuoinconuc-a-inoic.Twoasss,

theycometogetheragain.Icomeagainandpeetwice.DenIcomeonelasttime."

"Youfoul-mouthedswine,"retortedtheladyindignantly."Inthiscountrywedon't

talkaboutoursexlivesinpublic!""Hey,cooldownlady,*'saidtheman."Who

talkingaboutsex?Justtellmyfriendhowtospell"Mississippi"!

GenieInIhcLamp

AmanwaswalkingalongaCaliforniabeachandstumbleduponanoldlamp.He

pickeditupandrubbeditandoutpoppedagenie.Thegeniesaid"OK.OK.You

releasedmefromthelamp,blah,blah,blah.Thisisthe4thtimethismonthandI'm

gettingalittlesickofthesewishessoyoucanforgetaboutthree.Youonlygetone

wish!Themansatandthoughtaboutitforawhileandsaid,"Fvealwayswantedtogo

toHawaii,butI'mscaredtoflyandIgetveryseasick.Couldyoubuildmeabridgeto

HawaiisoIcandriveovertheretovisit?"Thegenielaughedandsaid,"That's

impossible!Thinkofthelogisticsofthat!Howwouldthesupportseverreachthe

bottomofthePacific?Tliinkofhowmuchconcrete..howmuchsteel!!No,thinkof

anotherwish!"ThemansaidOKandtriedtothinkofareallygoodwish.Finally,he

said,''I'vebeenmarriedanddivorcedfourtimes.MywivesalwayssaidthatIdont

careandthatI'minsensirive.So,TwishthatIcouldunderstandwomen...knowhow

theyfeelinsideandwhatthey'rethinkingwhentheygivemethesilent

treatment...knowwhythey'recrying,knowwhattheyreallywantwhentheysay,

'nothing'...knowhowiomakethemtrulyhappy..."Thegeniesaid,"Youwantthat

bridgewithtwolanesorfour?"

Chemist'sBadDay

Uponarrivinghomeineageranticipationofaleisurelyevening,thehusbandwasmet

atthedoorbyhissobbingwife.Tearfullysheexplained,"It'sthedruggist-he

insultedmeterriblythismorningonthephone."Immediatelythehusbanddrove

downtowntoaccostthedruggistanddemandanapology.Beforehecouldsaymore

thanawordortwo,thedruggisttoldhim,"Now,justaminute-listentomysideofit.

Tliismuniiugthealarmfailedloguoff,so1waslategellingup.Iwentwithout

breakfastandhurriedouttothecar,butI'llbedamnedifIdidn'tlockthehousewith

bothhouseandcarkeysinside.Ihadtobreakawindowtogetmykeys.Drivinga

littletoofast,Igotaspeedingticket.Then,aboutthreeblocksfromthestoreIhada

flattire.WhenIfinallygottothestoretherewasabunchofpeoplewaitingformeto

openup.Igotthestoreopenedandstartedwailingonthesepeople,andallthelime

thedarnphonewasringingitsheadoff.1'hcn1hadtobreakarollofnickelsagainst

thecashregisterdrawertomakechange,andtheyspilledalloverthefloor.Igot

downonmyhandsandkneestopickupthenickels-thephoneisstillringing-when

IcameupIcrackedmyheadontheopencashdrawer,whichmademestaggerback

againstashowcasewithabunchofperfumebottlesonit,andhalfofthemhitthe

floorandbroke.Thephoneisstillringingwithnoletup,andIfinallygotbackto

answerit.Itwasyourwife-shewantedtoknowhowtousearectalthermometer.

Well,Mister,ITOLDHER!,1

Shopping

Awomanwasshoppingatherlocalsupermarket,wheresheselectedaquartofmilk,

acartonofeggs,juice,andapackageofbacon.

Asshewasunloadingheritemsontheconveyerbelttocheckout,adrunkstanding

behindher,watchedassheplacedheritemsinfrontofthecashier.

Hesaid,"Youmustbesingle."Thewoman,abitstartled,lookedatherfouritemson

Ihebelt,andseeingnothingparticularlyunusualaboutherselectionssaid,"Well,

that'sright.Buthowinearthdidyouknowthat?

Thedrunksaid,"Causeyou'reuglier'nshit."

SalesmanoftheYear

AyoungguyfromTexasmovestoCaliforniaandgoestoabigdepartmentstore

lookingforajob.Themanagersays,"Doyouhaveanysalesexperience?"Thekid

says,"Yeah,IwasasalesmanbackhomeinTexas."Well,thebosslikedthekidsohe

gavehimthejob."Youstarttomorrow.Filcomedownafterwecloseandseehow

youdid."Hisfirstdayonthejobwasroughbuthegolllirougliil.Afterthestorewas

lockedup,thebosscamedown."Howmanysalesdidyoumaketoday?*'Thekidsays,

"One."Thebosssays,"Justone?Oursalespeopleaverage20or30salesaday.How

muchwasthesalefor?”Kidsays,"$101,237.64."Bosssays,"$101,237.64?Whatthe

helldidyousell?"

Kidsays,"FirstIsoldhimasmallfishhook.ThenIsoldhimamediumfishhook.

Then1soldhimalargerfishhook.Then1soldhimanewfishingrod.1hen1asked

himwherehewasgoingfishingandhesaiddownatthecoast,soItoldhimhewas

gonnaneedaboat,sowewentdowntotheboatdepartmentandIsoldhimthattwin

engineChrisCraft.Thenhesaidhedidn'tthinkhisHondaCivicwouldpullit,soI

tookhimdowntotheautomotivedepartmentandsoldhimthat4X4Blazer."Theboss

said,"Aguycameinheretobuyafishhookandyousoldhimaboatandtruck?"

Kidsays,"No,hecameinheretobuyaboxoftamponsforhiswifeandIsaid,'Well,

yourweekend'sshot,youmightaswellgofishing"

Advice

Afarmergoestoalivestockdealerandbuysananvil,abucket,twochickens,anda

goose.Thefarmerlooksathispurchasesandsays,"Damn,IWALKEDhere.How

amTgonnacarryallthishome?Thelivestockdealersaid,"Whydon'tyonputthe

anvilinthebucket,carrythebucketinonehand,putachickenundereacharmand

carrythegooseinyourotherhand?""Hey,thanks!'*thefarmersaid,andoffhewent.

Whilewalkinghomehemetalittleoldladywhotoldhimshewaslost.Sheasked,

"Canyoutellmehowtogetto1515MockingbirdLane?"

Thefarmersaid,"Well,asamatteroffact,Ilivejustdowntheroadfromthere.Let's

takemyshortcutandgodownthisalley.We'llbethereinnotime."Thelittleold

ladysaid,"Iamalonelywidowwithoutahusbandtodefendme.HowdoIknowthat

whenwegetinthealleyyouwon'tholdmeupagainstthewall,pullupmyskirt,and

ravishme?”Thefarmersaid,"Holysmokeslady!Iamcarryingabucket,ananvil,

Iwochickens,andagoose.HowintheworldcouldIpossiblyholdyouupagainstthe

wallanddothat?"Shereplied,"Setthegoosedown,coverhimwiththebucket,put

theanvilonlopofthebucket...andI'llholdihcchickens."

SignoftheTimes

AMafiaGodfather,accompaniedbyhisattorney,walksintoaroomtomeetwithhis

formeraccountant.

TheGodfatheraskstheaccountant,nWhereisthe3millionbucksyouembezzled

fromme?”Theaccountantdocsnotanswer.

TheGodfatherasksagain,MWhereisthe3millionbucksyouembezzledfromme?"

Theattorneyinterrupts,"Sir,themanisadeafmuteandcannotunderstandyou,butI

caninterpretforyou."

TheGodfathersays,"Wellaskhimwheremydamnmoneyis!"Theattorney,using

signlanguage,askstheaccountantwherethe3milliondollarsis.

Theaccountantsignsback,"Idon'tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout."

TheattorneyinterpretstotheGodfather,"Hedoesn'tknowwhatyouaretalking

about."

TheGodfatherpullsouta9millimeterpistol,putsilthetempleoftheaccountant,

cocksthetriggerandsays,"Askhimagainwheremydamnmoneyis!"

Theattorneysignstotheaccountant,"Hewantstoknowwhereitis!"

Theaccountantsignsback,"OK!OK!OK!Themoneyishiddeninabrownsuitcase

behindtheshedinmybackyard!"

TheGodfathersays,11Well....whatdidhesay?"

TheattorneyinterpretstotheGodfather,"Hesays...gotohell.....thatyoudon'thave

thegutstopullthetrigger."

Magician

AmagicianwasworkingonacruiseshipintheCaribbean.Theaudiencewouldbe

differenteachweek,sothemagicianallowedhimselftodothesametricksoverand

overagain.Therewasonlyoneproblem:Thecaptain'sparrotsawtheshowseach

weekandbegantounderstandhowthemagiciandideverytrick.Onceheunderstood

hestartedshoutinginthemiddleoftheshow:

"Luuk,ilSnotIliesainulial."

"Look,heishidingtheflowersunderthetable.'1

"Hey,whyareallthecardstheAceofSpades?"

Themagicianwasfuriousbutcouldn'tdoanything;i(was,afterall,thecaptain's

parrot.

Onedaytheshiphadanaccidentandsank.Themagicianfoundhimselffloatingona

pieceofwoodinthemiddleoftheoceanwiththeparrot,ofcourse.

Theystaredateachotherwithhate,butdidnotutteraword.Thiswentonforaday

andanotherandanother.Afteraweektheparrotsaid:"OK,Igiveup.Where'sthe

boat?,1

Gorilla

It'sabeautifulwarmspringdayandamanandhiswifeareatthezoo.She'swearinga

cute,loose-fitting,pinkspringdress,sleevelesswithstraps.Astheywalkthroughthe

apeexhibitandpassinfrontofaverylargegorilla,thegorillagoesape.Hejumpsup

onthebars,holdingonwithonehand(and2feet),gruntingandpoundinghischest

withthefreehand.Heisobviouslyexcitedattheprettyladyinthewavydress.The

husband,noticingtheexcitement,suggeststhathiswifeteasethepoorfellow.The

husbandsuggestsshepuckerherlips,wiggleherbottom,andplayalong.Shedoes

andMr.Gorillagetsevenmoreexcited,makingnoisesthatwouldwakethedead.

Thenthehusbandsuggeststhatsheletoneofherstrapsfall,shedoes,andMr.Gorilla

isjustabouttotearthebarsdown."Nowtryliftingyourdressupyourthighs"...this

drivesthegorillaabsolutelycrazy.

Then,quicklythehusbandgrabshiswifebythehair,ripsopenthedoortothecage,

slingsherinwiththegorillaandsays,"Now,tellHIMyouhaveaheadache.*'

Bats

Avampirebatcameflappinginforthenightcoveredinfreshbloodandparked

himselfontheceilingofthecavetogetsomesleep.Prettysoonalltheotherbats

smelledthebloodandstartedhasslinghimaboutwherehegotit.Hetoldthemtopiss

offandlethimgelsomebleep,buttheypersisteduntilliefinallygavein."Okay,

followme"hesaidandflappedoutofthecavewithhundredsofbatsbehindhim.

Downthroughavalleytlieywent,acrossariverandintoaforestoftrees.Finallyhe

sloweddownandalltheotherbatsexcitedlymilledaroundhim."Now,doyousee

thatgiantoakoverthere?"heasked.

”YES,YES,YES'*alltheotherbatsSCREAMEDinafrenzy.

"Good"saidthefirstbat,"because1fuckindidn't!"

Duck

Aduckwalksintoafeedstoreandasks,"Gotanyduckfeed?"

Theclerktellshim,"No,wcdon'thaveamarketforitsowedon'tcarryit."

Theducksays,"Okay,"andleaves.

Thenextday,theduckagainwalksintothefeedstoreandasks,nGotanyduck

feed?"Againtheclerksaysnoandtheduckleaves.

Nextday,theduckonceagainwalksin,andasks,"Gotanyduckfeed?*'

Theclerksays,"I'vetoldyoutwice,wedon'thaveduckfeed,we'veneverhadduck

feedandweneverwillhaveduckfeed.Ifyouaskmeagain,I'llnailyourfeettothe

floor."Theduckleaves.

Thenextday,theduckwalksinandasks,"Gotanynails?"

nNo."

"Gotanyduckfeed?1'

LippyParrot

Onreachinghisplaneseat,amanissurprisedtoseeaparrotstrappedintothescat

nexttohim.Themanasksthestewardessforacupofcoffeeandtheparrotsquawks,

"Andwhydon'tyougetmeawhisky,wench."Thestewardess,flusteredbythe

parrot'soutburst,bringsbackawhiskyfortheparrotbutinadvertentlyforgetsthe

man'scupofcoffee.Asthemannicelypointsouttheomissionofhiscoffeetothe

stewardess,theparrotdownshisdrinkandshouts,"Andgetmeanotherwhisky,you

uglybitch."Visiblyshaken,thestewardesscomesbackwiththepaiTOt'swhiskybut

stillnocoffeefortheman.

Unaccustomedtosuchslackness,themandecidesthatheisgoingtotrytheparrots

appr