自我投资社会关系和人际网络

自我投资：社会关系和人际网络24EN Editors Note：Recently, I discussed the value of investing in yourself - putting time and money into improving you, not building assets. Today, well look at one area of investing in yourself as part of an ongoing series on the topic, spread out once per weekday over two weeks. If youd like to review all the entries, look at the investing in yourself subcategory.Im a rather introverted person. When Im in a group of people, my gut instinct is to clam up, be quiet, and sink into the woodwork (unless, of course, Im very comfortable with most of the group). It takes genuine effort for me to speak up in a group situation, and for much of my adult life I simply wouldnt do it. Id just sit there, waiting for someone else to talk and quite often not engaging at all.This antisocial streak was hindering me, and I knew it. A large group of friends and associates are incredibly valuable to have - they can provide support to you in countless ways and you can provide support back to them as well. By sitting there like a bump on a log, not only was I not actively working towards building friendships and relationships, I was actually sending off a negative vibe to people.There were two books that really turned things around for me: Dale Carnegies How to Win Friends and Influence People and Keith Ferrazzis Never Eat Alone. These books actually have a lot in common - they both focus on how exactly to effectively interact with other people. Carnegies book focuses on the actual interactions themselves - how do you actually step up and converse with someone? Ferrazzis book continues that thought - how do you build a conversation into a relationship that has value? Theyre both filled with very specific tips that you can start applying right off the bat.With that information in hand, I had a good idea of what to do - I just needed to get started doing it. Here are some direct actions you can take to start investing in building a network of friends and acquaintances that actually have value, both to you and to the person youre connected to.Engage in activities that enable a lot of interactions with a lot of people.The first step is to simply meet people whose interests overlap with your own. Sure, you may know people through work, but thats only the tip of the iceberg - there are many, many people out there to meet, to know, and to develop friendships and relationships with. Here are some tips for getting out that front door.Identify social activities that mesh with your interests. Like reading books? Join a book club. Like outdoor activities? Join an outdoor club. Curious about the community? Go to any sort of community activity - check at city hall for the community calendar. Obsessed with your career? Go to meetings and conventions related to your professional area. Join Meetups for any activity of interest to you. Most large cities offer a lot of opportunity to explore whatever interest you may have.Dont give up on it after just one meeting. The biggest mistake that people make when joining a potentially interesting group is that they give up when they go to the first meeting, the people there already seem to know each other, and there are ongoing things that theyre not familiar with. Give it a few meetings. Ask questions if you dont know whats going on. Dont just assume that youll immediately be part of any ongoing social circle at this group - give it time to happen.Dont be afraid to be the first to talk - but dont be the only one talking.One intense challenge for me is to know how to deal with a group of people when no one is talking. Everyones experienced them - those periods of silence when no one has quite yet taken the initiative to start a conversation or to bring up a new topic. Thats the perfect time to get a new conversation rolling and to be noticed by others, so take advantage of it. Here are some tips.Realize that everyone else is probably feeling as uncomfortable as you are. If theres a silence in the room, its probably a good indication that many of the people there dont know what to say next and are feeling some of your discomfort. By stepping up and getting the ball rolling, you often attract a positive response from others.If all else fails, ask a contextual question. Most of the time, I dont know what to say, so Ill use whats going on as the context for a question. Ill ask a question about the group itself, the event were engaged in, the book the book club is reading, or so on. If youre in a very small group, current events can be a good topic to break the silence.If you notice youre the only one talking, its probably time to give someone else an opportunity. In other words, trim your point to a close and try to finish by encouraging someone else to talk. One good way to do that is to finish with a “What do you all think?”Ask questions.The most effective way Ive found to get a conversation going or to continue it is to get a person to talk about themselves. The easiest way to pull off that trick is to ask a question - create a situation where it makes social sense for that person to begin discussing themselves. Heres some advice on how to do that.Ask a question that the person would feel comfortable answering. If youre in a book club, questions about the book youre reading are always fair game. If theyve brought up their children or family, cursory and positive questions about that topic are fair, too. In general, questions that are positive in tone and arent too personal are always worthwhile. Compliment someone, for example, and ask where they got that item or idea.Listen to the responses. Listen to what theyre saying. Try to understand their viewpoint and experiences - theyre going to be different than your own. If you find yourself getting bored, then youre either discussing a topic that truly doesnt interest you or youre not clicking with that person, which is fine, but the first step to a positive connection is to listen to what they say and try to figure out what they mean.Use the responses for follow-up questions if you dont have a compelling idea of your own to interject. If you dont know how to respond to what theyve just said, figure out the part thats troubling you and turn it into a question again, allowing them to explain further. It not only clearly shows that youre listening and are engaged, but it gives the person a greater chance to expound their thoughts in a positive light.Focus on the people that interest you.There are going to be people you are uncomfortable interacting with, either for obvious reasons or for reasons you cant quite put your finger on. You dont have to interact with them. Instead, focus on the people who give you a positive feeling - people who click with you and engage you. These people will be much more likely to build up an actual relationship with you, whether it be a friendship or a business relationship. Here are some tips.At first, interact with a lot of people. Listen to whos talking and figure out which people are actually interesting to you. When you see people standing alone and not talking, talk to them. When theres a group talking, listen in. Spend some time interacting with as many people as you can. The reason is to figure out which ones you may click with.Gravitate gradually towards the people you find most interesting. It might be the person talking the most at the center of the room, or it might be the person sitting quietly off to the side. Keep conversing with the people that click with you. Dont be afraid to move on if they exhibit behaviors that make you uncomfortable.Once youve narrowed it down, focus on building up ties with the people that fit best with you. Exchange contact information with one or two of them if it feels like you might really have something in common. If that doesnt feel appropriate yet, just make sure that you have opportunities to meet those people again at other, similar events - come to the next group meeting, for example.Follow up.If youve actually traded contact information with someone in a genuine fashion, meaning that it was because of a desire to actually further exchange ideas, follow up. Dont just let it dry there on the vine. I usually try to contact new people Ive met once every few weeks - for example, I recently was elected to a community board, so Im slowly putting forth an effort to get to know everyone on that board.Wait a bit, then make a contact. I usually find that for most people, a follow up email thats non-fluffy is worthwhile. I try to recall what weve talked about (I usually jot it down on the back of whatever contact info I get), do some research on the topic, and continue the conversation in some regard. I always make sure to include a reminder of who I am as well, usually starting it off that way (”This is Trent Hamm. We met recently at the Smiths fire benefit dinner and we discussed some changes in the towns sidewalk policy.”).If they dont respond back, dont push it. Just wait for another opportunity to meet that person in a social environment and chat about it. Quite often, people intend to respond but just get busy with things - its often not a snub. However, you should make sure not to make yourself a nuisance.If you can easily do a favor for someone, do it. Quite often, opportunities will come up where someone is in obvious need of a helping hand. If you have the opportunity to help out, especially if its easy for you, do so. Helping out the people around you is the single best thing you can do to build a solid relationship with the people youre helping - plus, you get the opportunity to make someone elses life better.Dabble in hosting social events.One great opportunity to build and cement relationships and friendships is to host small social gatherings. Im pretty partial to the dinner party or barbecue, myself - inviting people into your home and serving them food is a great way to get people to open up and connect to each other.Invite a diversity of people. If you have a gathering, its good to invite people who do know each other and people who dont. I usually try to keep the number small and make sure that everyone there knows at least someone else besides me, but ideally not everyone knows everyone else. If you dont know that many people, just invite who you know and keep the number relatively low.Try very hard to accept any reciprocal invitations. If you get invited in return, make a special effort to go to that event. Social invitations are more valuable than you think and theyre often a sign of acceptance into a larger group. Make an effort to go to any invite you get, especially if its the first one.Keep the communication going - dont let it die off.Once youve built a connection with someone, dont let it fall apart because youre too busy. It only takes a few minutes every once in a while to keep a relationship healthy, so take the time to do it.Keep in contact regularly - a handwritten note on a special occasion is a great way to do it. Send out New Years/winter seasonal cards to everyone you can, with a quick handwritten note inside greeting them. One year, I made up almost three hundred of these and it was worth the effort. Similarly, if you find out someones made a career change, bought a house, got married, or had a child, make sure that you pop a handwritten note and perhaps a small gift their way.Send quick emails semi-regularly. Some people do this with their cell phone, but I find that to be kind of intrusive for just touching base with someone. I often use a quick personally-written email just asking how theyre doing and maybe delivering a few sentences on what Im up to or whats currently interesting to me. I dont do this too regularly - every few months or so - but it does a great job of helping a relationship to not wither and die over a long period of time.The real key, though, is to build a solid number of meaningful relationships and friendships and make sure they dont wither - these are the people who you support and will support you when you need it. The first step is up to you.最近，我讨论了自我投资的价值-花时间和金钱在完善你自己上，而不是购买资产。今天，我们先来看看自我投资的其中一方面，这也是将要开始的有关这个主题的系列文章的一部分。这一主题在这两周的每个工作日会推出一篇文章。如果你想回顾全部的文章，请查看“自我投资”目录下。我是个十分内向的人。当我身处众人之间，我的本能反应是闭上嘴，保持安静，避免引起别人注意（当然，如果我与其中的大部分人都能相处自如就不一样了）。我必须非常努力的说服自己才能让自己当众发表讲话，而在我成人后的大多数时间中，我总是不自觉的避免这样做。我总是呆坐在那，等着别人走上前来和我说话，即使这样我也经常无法投入对话中。这一不合群的性格经常妨碍我，我也认识到了这点。拥有很多朋友与伙伴的价值是无法估量的他们能够以无数种方式向你提供帮助，而你也能相应的帮助他们。呆坐着让我不仅无法积极的去建立朋友及伙伴关系，也让会让别人对我产生负面的想法。两本书改变了我：Dale Carnegie的如何赢得朋友及影响别人，Keith Ferrazzi的别独自一人吃饭。这两本书有许多共同点他们都关注于如何有效的与别人进行沟通。Garnegie的书着重于实际沟通本身如何确实的与别人建立联系和进行交谈。Ferrazzi的书则做了进一步阐述如何从一次沟通发展到有价值的伙伴关系。两本书中都充满了你可以立即应用的详细的技巧。有了这些信息后，我就知道自己下一步该怎么做了我要做的就是去实施它们。下面就是一些具体的行动指导，你可以按此去做来建立一个真正有价值的朋友和熟人圈子，它的价值不仅是对你，对与你交往的人也是同样。积极参与到能够给你许多与他人进行交流沟通的机会的活动中第一步很简单，就是创造机会和那些与你的兴趣爱好有交集的人会面。当然，你通过自己的工作就能认识不少，但那只是冰山一角除此之外还有许许多多的人你应该去会面、结识、发展友谊和紧密的关系。有许多技巧可以帮助你实现这点。找到那些正好适合你兴趣爱好的社交活动。喜欢读书？不妨加入读书俱乐部。喜欢户外活动？不妨加入户外俱乐部。对社区生活感到好奇？不妨去参加任意一种社区活动可以到市政厅查看社区日程安排。热爱你的职业？参加与你的专业领域有关的会议和展会。参与Meetups网站上提供的与你感兴趣的活动。几乎所有的大城市都能提供许多这样的机会，让你能够进一步探索你拥有的任何爱好。不要仅仅参加一次就放弃。人们在参加那些可能会感兴趣的小组时往往会犯的最大错误就是在第一次参加之后就放弃。小组中的其他人都相互熟识，而自己却对其中正在进行的事情毫无认识。让自己多参加几次。如果你不知道别人正在做什么，就开口询问。别假设自己会立即成为小组中正在进行的社交活动的一部分需要时间来让它发生。不要害怕成为第一个发言的但不要做唯一说话的人对我来说，最重要的挑战之一就是如何处理冷场的情况。几乎每个人都经历过那样的沉默没人要主动开始交流或开始一个新话题。这实际是你不应放过的好机会，你可以开始一个新的话题，让其他人开始注意你。下面是一些技巧。你要知道，可能其他人也都和你一样对此感到不适应。如果房间里变得沉默，这也许是一个非常明显的征兆，即那里的大多数人都不知道接下来该说什么，并且和你一样感到不自在。只要你向前一步，打破冷场，往往就能从别人那得到积极的回应。如果别的方法都不行，不妨就问一个衔接性的问题。很多次，当我不知道该说什么，我就会问“接下来做什么”。我会问有关这个小组自身的问题，有关正在进行中的活动，如读书俱乐部里正在阅读的书，等等。如果你所在的小组很小，有关目前正在进行的活动的问题是个很好的，可以用来打破沉默的话题。如果你发现自己是唯一在不停说话的人，也许就该给别人一些机会了。也就是说，你应该总结你的话题，并在结束时争取鼓励另外的人开始讨论。比如说用“你们怎么想？”来结尾就是个不错的方式。问问题我找到的最有效的开始交流和让它继续下去的方法就是让对方谈论他们自己。达到这个目的的最有效途径就是问问题创造一个让别人开始谈论它们自己的社交情景。这里有一些如何去做的建议。问对方能够轻松回答的问题。如果你在读书俱乐部里，问有关你们正在读的书的问题可以算是公平游戏。如果他们带着他们的孩子或家人来参加，有关家人的简略和正面的问题也很恰当。总之，那些带着正面语气以及不过于私人的问题都是可以的。比方说，赞美别人的服饰或想法，并询问他们在哪买的或如何想到的。倾听对方的回应。倾听别人是如怎么说的。试着理解他们的观点和经验他们是与你不同的。如果你觉得枯燥乏味，那说明你要么是在讨论一项你确实不感兴趣的主题，要么就是你与那人实在没有共同语言。那样并没关系，不过达成积极的联系的第一步就是倾听对方所说的，并理解对方的意思。如果你没法想出一个有趣的话题来插入交谈，不妨从别人的回应中找到自己想问的问题。如果你不知道该怎么回应别人说的内容，想想其中那些部分让你困扰，把这作为一个问题再次提出，让别人为你进一步解答。这样做不仅清晰的表明你在你正在倾听并积极的投入，而且给别人一个很好的机会，积极的为你仔细解释他们的想法。关注于那些让你感兴趣的人总有些人，当你与他们交往时会感到不自在，理由可能很明显，也可能没有明确的理由。那你就不必非要与他们交往。而是应该专注于那些让你感觉不错的人那些与你很合拍而且也吸引你的人。那样的人更有可能与你建立真正的关系，无论那是一种朋友关系，或是商业关系。这里有一些相关的技巧。首先，你要和许多人进行交流。倾听他