由一个水壶引发的牛人英语写作.doc

一封邮件Hey Im really sorry to bother everyone but I lost my pink bottleoutside of the PJ hall or anothe place last Thursday. Thought thisbottle is not expensive, this is a gift given by a very importantperson. So if anyone has found it please please mail me on here. Thanks!发送这样一封私人的邮件给每个人，哈震怒了上千大学邮箱使用者当然包括这些个整天里研究理论的，所谓的 geeks! 于是由教育学办公室经商讨发出这样一封回复， 地道英语，英文讽刺怎么用，这样用！大家学学哈：Dear distraught student,First of all, I would like tooffer you my sincere condolencesfor the loss of such animportant item. I understand that this is a very difficult time for you, but you must tryto be strong. I know youll get through this! Its so hard when you lose an item youlove and care for so much, but life goes on.Im sure your pink bottle has settledsomewhere and is living its dreams.By now, its probably on a beach somewhere, surfingor just chilling with some ice cold beers.Please distraught student,you must let go.Cherish the times you had with the bottle andenjoy the memories. If you need to discuss this issue further, then I suggest you talkto someone at nightline maybe?Who knows, maybe one day the pink bottle will return, and the quest will be over. Untilthen, we can only hope that it is safe and well.I wish you the best of luck.面对这样的智慧型讽刺，其他系的学者们耐不住寂寞了好胜心作祟，于是有了这样的回复：（绝对标准的学术论文写作，包括引用非常专业！怎么写论文，看看这个！）Ms. Williams,It is my humble opinion thatyou are not taking this matter seriously enough.On behalf of the LTPBRS(Lost Tupperware Pink Bottle Rehabilitation Society)I wouldcondemn you for your lack of sympathy and understanding in this matter.There is much research to show that the loss of a Tupperware Pink Bottle (TPB) can be asignificantlytraumatic insultand those who lose TPBs require muchcounselling andrehabilitation.Sigg and Camelbak et al. (2010)showed that the loss of a Tupperware PinkBottle has significantly greater negative psychological effects when compared to thenegative psychological effects associated with the loss of a Tupperware Bottle of anyother colour.It is my proposal that the University establishes aTPB rehabilitation programmeinaccordance with the guidelines we (LTPBRS) published last year. Any further denigrationof those who are victims of loss of a TPB will warrant action from our legal department.Yours Sincerely,Juan Litre接下来就开始扯啦不过还是地道英文大家耐心看看，比新概念有用！怎么写敲诈信，看这一封：This communication is to inform you that we have your Bottle. It is being held in asecure location by ourselves.The Bottle will not come in to any harm as long as ourdemands are met.If You Ever Want To See Your Bottle Again you will;Place 5,000 inunmarked bills into the rubish binon the corner of Ffriddoedd Roadopposite Morrisons by 9pm tonight. You Must Make the Drop Alone and any attempt tocontact the police will result in termination of the deal.We have included Photographs of your Bottle,Failure to comply with these demands todaywill result in the removal of the bottle lid and its contents will be emptied. （威胁呢）Well be seeing you.这位没看明白，看来是国际学生：SORRY EVERYONEim afraid i have to ask somethings, Does anyone can tell me what is Tupperware pinkbottle? is that a bottle is pink and made by Tupperwareor there is a metaphor i dont get it?还有做广告的！In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime theydidnt commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the LosAngeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers offortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybeyou can hire. The A-TeamCall 07791051804阴谋论者，粉红水壶事件是。阴谋？哥们是政治系的吧？If you ask me there never really was a pink Tupperware bottle. Its all a governmentconspiracy.I mean,has anyone actually SEEN this pink Tupperware bottle?I know therewere ransom pictures but if you ask me they were photoshopped. I can tell from some ofthe pixels, Ive also seen quite a few photoshops in my time. Its obviously a stockphoto of a pink Tupperware bottle. If you Google Tupperware bottle, modelnotagovernmentconspiracy its quite clearly the twelfth picture that comes up.Theyveput it through a colour filter, rotated it 720 and then flipped the image so that no onewould realise its the same bottle. Why has no one realised yet?!Think about it. If we spend all our time reading about pink Tupperware bottles then wemiss University E-mails about exams and lectures. Theyre trying to stop us learning,first they raise our fees and then they pretend to kidnap pink Tupperware bottles. Dontjust accept everything you read.The truth is out there.下面这位是电脑游戏玩多了！全大写，能看懂？您英文过关了！H E L L O O S U A 1 4.I W A N T T O P L A Y A G A M E.A L L Y O U R L I F E Y O U H A V E B E E N I D O L I S I N G T H E P I N K T UP P E R W A R E B O T T L E, R E S U L T I N G I N T H E C A L L O U S N E G L E CT O F Y O U R O T H E R D E P E N D A N T- T H E B L U E T U P P E R W A R E B OT T L E. B U T H A V E Y O U E V E R S T O P P E D T O C O N S I D E R W H O ISM O R E W O R T H Y O F Y O U R U N D I V I D E D A T T E N T I O N?T O N I G H T Y O U W I L L H A V E T O M A K E A C H O I C E.T H E P I N K T U P P E R W A R E B O T T L E I S L I N K E D T O A D E V I C E WH I C H W I L L D E T E N A T E IN 6 0 M I N U T E S.T H E B L U E T U P P E R W A R E B O T T L E I S L O C K E D I N T O A D E V I CE F U L L O F L E T H A L S P I K E S W H I C H W I L L S N A P S H U T I N 60 MI N U T E S.W H O W I L L Y O U S A V E?L E T T H E G A M E B E G I N.还有最后这位哈，文学系的？寂寞派感性文笔，同志们，写情书？看看人家！Dear Mr Litre,Firstlycan I call you Juan?（拉近关系的重要方式）Mr Litre sounds awfully smart and silly.I am so glad to hear about the LTPBRS (Lost Tupperware Pink Bottle Rehabilitation Society) and I canonly wish I had found it sooner. Ever since losing my bottleIve never quite felt thesame and I wish I had a chance to talk to someone about it.I lost my Pink Tupperware Bottle when I was just 17. It was at a school disco and after afew Smirnoff Ices my friend Jenny told me that Steve, a guy from the year above, wantedto share my bottle. After a bit of chatting we got close and there was the awkward momentwhen he asked to see my bottle but I decided it was OK to show him. However, This justseemed to get him more excited. When he tried to touch it I wanted to stop him at firstbut sharing seemed like the right idea at the time so I let him continue.The night