高考英语书面表达0301 考场作文评析（1）.doc

2013高考英语书面表达03-01：考场作文评析（1）第三部分 2013届高考英语书面表达考场习作评析（一）陈若琳，1992年12月12日生于江苏南通。4岁开始练习跳水。她克服困难，艰苦训练。拼搏精神指引她成功，在2012年伦敦奥运会上获得两枚金牌。请你结合陈若琳的事例，并根据以下提示，用英语写一篇短文，谈谈你对拼搏精神的看法。拼搏精神的意义1.激励我们直面困难；2.竭力实现目标，走向成功；如何培养拼搏精神1.要坚信人人都有获得成功的潜力；2.遇到挫折不气馁，从失败中学习；注意：1.对所给要点逐一陈述，适当发挥，不要简单翻译； 2.词数150左右；3.参考词汇：拼搏精神 fighting spirit 培养 cultivate 挫折setback【考场习作】1 chen ruo lin is our pride. she was born in 1992.12.12,and started to swim when shefight from now on.【习作评析】在评析考生考场习作之前，先让我们来看一看该书面表达的最基本的要点是什么。习）。以上要点必须在书面表达中有所表述，缺一不可。【习作的亮点】全文共14句156字，达到了题目所规定的要求。要点表达基本齐全，较好地完成了题目所规定的任务。阅卷老师判分为20分（满分为25分）。习作根据作者自身水平较多使用了简单句。同时也注意使用并列句、复合句以及倒装句。本文使用了九个简单句（包括一个倒装句），两个并列句，三个复合句，加之简单句比较长，使文章增加了可读性；习作注意了过渡词、过渡句的使用。如第三段中： to begin with, whats more,last but not least, 等。这样的运用使得文章表达连贯；习作注意了高级词汇及句型的运用的使用使文章增色不少。如：overcame，be firmly convinced ，actually, at no time should we give up，without delaying ，last but not least，form the habit of等等。习作注意运用了变通表达法。比如在表达“遇到挫折”时，作者变动表达为“facing the setback”和“when we are in trouble”。习作注意了动词时态的正确运用。如：第一段介绍陈若琳时主要用了一般过去时。说明作者的时态概念比较强。【习作的缺点】词汇的运用上有些许错误。如：fighting spirit instructed her succeed and she achieved two gold medals eventually.要改成“fighting spirit led her to succeed and she won two gold medals eventually.” first, it inspires us facing the setback and difficulties bravely. 要改成“first, it inspires us to face the setback and difficulties bravely.” to begin with, we should be firmly convinced that everyone is possible to succeed. 要改成“to begin with, we should be firmly convinced that everyone is likely to succeed.”要避免汉语式的表达。如：she was born in 1992.12.12要改成“she was born on december 12, 1992”。某些表达不到位。如：在表达“陈若琳，1992年12月12日生于江苏南通”时就遗漏了“出生地”。 应该表达为“she was born in nantong, jiangsu province, on december 12, 1992”。“ she achieved two gold medals eventually.”要表达成“she won two gold medals at the 2012 london olympic games eventually.”要避免“画蛇添足”的现象。如：“chen ruo lin is our pride.”这一句简直就是一句废话。习作增加的要点给人的印象是：有点不着边际。如：second, we should try our best to achieve our goals from the meaning of fighting spirit and then we will succeed. last, we can learn much such as cooperation from fighting. we can succeed if we take measures to fight from now on.等句子让读者感到似有“凑数”的嫌疑。【修改后的习作】chen ruolin was born in nantong, jiangsu province, on december 12, 1992 and started to swim when she was 4. she overcame a great many difficulties and worked hard. fighting spirit led her to succeed and she won two gold medals at the 2012 london olympic games eventually.whats the meaning of fighting spirit? first, it inspires us to face the setback and difficulties 【参考答案】born in nantong, jiangsu province on december 12, 1992, chen ruolin took up diving at the age of four. since then, she has been training hard and overcoming whatever difficulty that she meets. she won two gold medals at the 2012 london olympic games. it is