RL修改范例.doc

原帖由 windyfly 于 2007-1-10 00:43 发表! g/ P2 4 o7 c$ B % b, r$ u; r/ m* sI was a master of chemical engineering graduated from China University of Petroleum this June. And the main my master project is “Catalyst Deactivation of FCC Gasoline Upgrading and Heavy Oil Cracking abilities on coke-deposited Catalysts”. When I do experiments I use a small unit that simulated the riser reactor of FCC to finish my research. I often repair this unit because it was often jammed or had some accessory broken. Obviously there are some unreasonable designs in the reactor. （对自己的这个 project以何种方式完成，目的是什么，用到了哪些理论，以虾米方式得到虾米数据，有没有出等等的叙述不完整，给教授的印象是，这个 project 你并没有自己完成或者是没有负责大部分工作。）I was interesting in these repairing things because these work made my research easier and more precise.（很寒吖，通过你的master project，你仅仅是得出对repairing things 感兴趣。这一句还是考虑换种说法吧，要不然就削弱了整体的说服力）: w# m& U: t( a) B0 C. k& x9 h+ w5 P; After graduated from university, I work as a sales assistant in a company now. Recently I am following a project “Energy Assessment at Harbin refinery”. When we do this energy assessment, we found that there are many unreasonable apparatus, such as, although the design capacity of the FCC is 1.2MMTA, there are many accessories, such as valve or gauge, which cant follow the capacity of the unit, maybe smaller or lager than designed. And the operation condition can be improved to save energy, though analyzing the reactor design and energy flow.（对project中自己参与的部分叙述不到位，很牵强，让人怀疑你到底负责了虾米部分的工作。） As we know,（这个用语不对，你的对象是教授，而不是所有的教授都明白这是怎么回事） the energy assumption in china is higher than any other country. For example, refinery energy consumption in the harbin refinery, a Chinese refinery, is about 86.06 KgE0, at the same time that in Shells Fredericia refinery, a similar refinery in Denmark, is about 67KgE0. So refinery energy consumption of harbin was 20% higher than that of Fredericia. I think （口语化的句子最好不要出现，削弱整体的学术感）it is a huge waste of energy, since we all know the preciousness of the energy. （这个example是你从你的project中的例子么，如果是的话，前面加上in our project之类的短语；不是的话，考虑删去，这与你描述自己在project中的工作，关系不大）+ E9 S4 Q F. p3 , V# M! g+ ISo I always want to contribute myself to return my country. （教授对你回不回国一点都不关心，那是签证官的活儿）And I eager to learn more knowledge, maybe some about reaction design or energy flow, and so on, to contribute of Chinese refinery industry.（同样的，教授对于你想为做贡献还是为中国做贡献不关心，他关心的是你有没有学术潜力，能不能出学术成果这句话要么删掉，要么改一下）/ s1 |7 J! h: 7 H* k Z g$ | W3 k1 UThats my summary experiences and some interesting upwards. And maybe my tutor has told you some things about me. I had applied the PhD of your school, so if you can give me some advice or recommend me a tutor, I will appreciate it very much. 7 | % G9 S0 n6 M7 Q, SI am creative， good at thinking and have excellent action(善于思考，动手能力强), besides excellent mental faculty and team spirit. So I am definitely confident that I can finish the PhD perfectly.（从前面的描述很难看出 的这些优点哦，这篇文章还需要大刀阔斧地改才行吖）Ai Juan, Counselor (这一句放在最后,而且 Counselor 要另外换行写)7 e* C9 B2 H4 Liaoning Province Experimental High School0 R% r+ i* X- p& a5 _* I$ B! |; T(地址不全哦,还差Liaoning Province,P.R.China ) i. p( d% o# s& u# _7 _Tel:013019355202 (应该,这个不确定,你最好GOOGLE一下手机号码的正确拼写方式) $ 2 / & H7 2006-12-21(日期放在右上角) : h n s0 Z6 ? F- ?Recommendation Letter(内容不用写标题,写在信封上即可)& y% F6 Z. ?# V0 z- D% n9 FTo whom it may concern, 3 V6 r5 q# w& s nbIt is really a pleasant thing for me to write this recommendation letter to Mr. Liu Fenghe, who is an excellent boy with open-minded personality and commendable outlook on life. (这2个关键词出现以后,下面的内容得围绕这2方面来写.但是,commendable outlook on life,这样的用法很少见啊,你是想表达独特的见解/值得称道的眼界么?用ingenious/inventive/intellective等等都不错吖,commendable一般是针对事物), c |; v2 b( SPersonally, he is a polite and cultivated boy always with sun shine smile. (这一句与open-minded personality 的关系不大)As an enthusiast(一般用来形容社会活动中的参与者,在这里不恰当) in Art and P.E. activities, he performed well in drawing, swimming and modern drama and singing, he was awarded Silver Prize for singing in the Second “Star Torch” China National Youth Art Talent Competition. His drama acted with his roommates really surprised me. The drama was so funny that it received entusiastic responses. (前面这几句描述都没有突出你的open-minded 的特点 ,仅仅是叙述了你的虾米特长,参加了虾米活动,得了虾米成绩.作为推荐人,他对你的人品/性格方面的了解才是重点.而前面的叙述看不出你的推荐人对你的性格方面的了解.)Academically, Liu Fenghe performed top (A or A+) of the class in each subject such as mathematics, physics, chemistry, biology, Chinese, English, politics, computer, history and geography. (这一句可以删去了,你的成绩单/RESUME上有的,不必在PS/RL里重复叙述.更何况你前面没有提到是如何与你认识的,是否是你的授课教师,他怎么会对你的成绩怎么清楚呢?)He especially has a good command of Chinese composition and English. His works has been many times set as the composition model by the school and awarded Winning Prize in the English Competition. (和前面的open-minded personality and commendable outlook on life没虾米联系了,如果你一定要把这一句保留的话,那得换种写法.比如说,在你的作品中展示了怎么独特的见解,怎么广阔的视野,这一点正是让推荐人很欣赏并乐于与你交谈的.)Furthermore, he is praised for his kindness and public-spirited activities, such as helping poor families and donated his pocket money to Great Wall renovating.(这一句的位置不对,应该放在前面去,作为对你的 personality的补充) 5 N! T7 e% ax( N, * q0 P: u# : p( L2 f+ J; c! G# a |3 dAs a student in the senior high school ranking the first in Liaoning province,(没有必要这么长,RANKING虾米的都在你的成绩单上了,这里不需要重复了) the forth in whole China, Liu fenghe not only does excellent in academic filed, but also presents outstanding ability in managing free-time activities and team cooperation.(这2个特点相互之间没有太大关系,不能放在一起叙述.) Taking the position of (直接用as不是简洁得多么)classs derictor of public affairs,liu organized to created many great public news and paintings on the massageboard. In the sports meeting, He is highly praised for his organization ability and team spirit by all.(单从这2句看不出你在 team cooperation方面有虾米outstanding ability,而前文提到的managing free-time activities.你这里直接就没展开叙述了. ), A9 R, v$ x) V; x# X, 5 A( c; r* v+ 4 g; H! J6 P/ C QThe school awarded Liu Fenghe the Excellent Student in activities many times and Excellent Student during 2004 to 2005 academic year. He also got the certificate of active member in organization awarded by the school to those who are selected among the talented and genius students.(这一段不用另成一段,接着上一段即可.)(成绩/奖励在RESUME里有,RL里可以不用重复,即使重复的话也要突出推荐人发觉你的在参加这一奖项的竞争过程中所表现出来的优点能让推荐人留下深刻的印象.另外不必强调你的智力,你的成绩单和RESUME上所列出来的条目已经足以说明了.推荐信是推荐人对你的了解而写的,前面这些会让人觉得推荐人和你不怎么熟悉,仅仅知道你的一点经历而已.)% A. V& j( N |4 Y3 v: y! e# _5 d1 Y4 a/ HLiu Fenghe is unquestionably one of the most delightful students I have had in my teaching career in the school with great reputation. I extend my heartiest recommendation. , c2 X% _% p5 i4 j: ( I( F0 E& M4 Q) oSincerely yours.Dear Sir or Madam2 K: o( q. r# F5 g?, ?, u/ j& 7 d 4 k % I am taking great pleasure to recommend Mr. xxxx, my favorite student in my group, to apply for your well-esteemed program of Department of Mechanical and Automation Engineering at Chinese University of Hong Kong. I+ N2 Y! ; i: Z 0 / z% P. Z6 B0 1 W$ oI have known Mr. Liu for almost seven years, and he is the most all-around student I have ever seen.(这句话的语气太强烈了,建议加一个ONE OF 比较好一点) I firstly got to know him in his undergraduate period, and he then was the monitor of the class under my supervision. In my initial opinion, he was a diligent student and a talented leader. He became one of the top three students in his class after the first years final exam,(前面提到的the monitor of the class 和talented leader,后面更应该强调你的领导/管理/协调能力而不是考试成绩,考试成绩在成绩单上已经有显示了,RL里不用提) and he also managed to lead his class to be the best class in our school. His excellent performances in both study and leadership in the follow three years confirmed my first view. However, what really impressed me are the academic attitude and intense interest of him in Automation, not only because he got the highest score in my course but also because of his excellent performance during the undergraduate diploma in my lab.(后面这几句很混乱,一会儿领导能力一会儿学术能力,相互交叉着写,容易给人留下逻辑混乱的影响,如果承接前面部分的 leadership 的话, 学术能力最好是另起一段,单独写. 尤其是阐述你在实验室里的表现,单独写的话更适合一些); N( N, : 4 / e. ( R, X/ 4 / M+ S# T9 C4 W4 t* g1 q( i& gWhen Mr. Liu was enrolled into my group, he immediately became the best one. He has the qualities to concentrate himself on projects and to learn fast in each project. His concentration and efficiency gave deep impression on me, and that is why I put multi-project on him, especially those with new technologies. (从前面的to learn fast in each project和concentration and efficiency很难推导出教授把multi-project with new technologies放心交给你完成的理由,最好是突出你在学术上有天分,善于把多学科的知识融合到一起去感知新的领域的知识,这样才更有针对性.)He has now finished three projects (可以把project的名字列出来)which all got great satisfaction from customers. Further more, he was a capable assistant. According to the discussions in my group, I found that he was really good at expressing himself clearly and making others to follow his paces. He also worked as my assistant and taught part of my course, his funny and lively style was well accepted by students.(最后这几句是鸡肋吖,与前半部分的ACADEMIC ATTITUDE关系不大,但是删了又有点可惜,可以考虑另起一段写.)# O( N( C! D. k8 V, v+ p ( G: C& b0 rE5 0 n ?- A# Q3 6 R+ 1 . A2 C8 xBesides, Mr. Lius English is excellent compared to most graduate students I have ever known. For example, he once got the chance out of 100 applicants to take care of exchange students, and I saw them communicating very well. I am sure that he will adapt to graduate school life abroad without any great difficulty.(最后这一段全都不要,你的英文能力通过语言考试已经可以证明了,作为Graduate Mentor所写的推荐信,是就你的学术能力以及个人性格/才华方面进行叙述,而不是作为你的英文老师来证明你的英语水平)# j7 c1 s. S( W, u: B6 # H4 H h& L V4 V( L* GJudging by what I know of him, I think Mr. Liu is fully qualified to pursue a PhD degree in your program. I therefore recommend him with enthusiasm. And I shall greatly appreciate if you can favorably consider his application.0 C* R( T OR; t1 A6 K* F9 o+ B, K& bSincerely yours, n* c7 e9 c$ 4 f- Y9 t+ X; f, T/ h1 - F% d. p& ; aProfessor xxx7 j$ r# X& R( g$ b0 q0 bGraduate Mentor, Department of Automation and Material Processing( C; B) f- S$ D, K1 O9 N, School of Material Science and Engineering* D, + c+ G2 l6 e8 h7 S6 3 Uxxx UniversityJanuary 4, 2007 * z! J. m4 y+ t* b- x/ A$ KTo Whom It May Concern:* H% m% L u, ?# r9 I: r0 t: It is my great pleasure to write Mr. xxxx a letter of recommendation to assist him to apply for admission to your doctoral programs.（好简短吖，可以加上一句作为Professor and Chair,我推荐某某某。，而且相信他是 your doctoral programs的最佳候选人之类的话）; t$ U# s1 6 s* n, Z0 M R# 0 G7 E7 k8 kI have been acquainted with Mr. Liu for 5 years. He first attracted my attention during the fall semester of 20012002 when he was taking my course of “Fundamentals of Physical Metallurgy”. His study desire and ability（加个修饰词就好了，虾米的能力吖，是思考能力还是学术能力？） gave me deep impression. He always insisted to make clear of each single details, （前半句和desire and ability的关系不大，建议换种表达方式，可以加上一句出于desire，他严格规范着自己的任何行为之类的）and he often asked me some thoughtful and in-depth questions after class. He was really good at analysis and imagination, because he was the only one in the class who discussed about the ternary phase diagram with me. As a result of his hard work, he got a score of 81 in the final exam which was a quite high mark in my class considered with the difficulty of my exam.（就不用提了，一个教授能记得自己学生的准确成绩么？满分倒还有可能，像分这种很普通的分数。）（另外一个问题，这一段我见过很多次了，你是改编自网络上流传的模版吧，相当普遍了，很有可能会与另外的申请者的撞车，建议你还是大动笔墨修改一下）4 9 s i9 P0 HHf% m- 3 W1 I$ m3 - x% I& E7 - e! VIn graduate period, Mr. Liu designed a Friction Tester for my group. He showed his capacity for research and his profound background in his major during this program. He did a very outstanding job on it in a relative short time owing to his intelligence, extra-ordinary hard-working habit, independence and creativity. He had the ability to make changes flexibly according to my detail requirement. His talent in communication also played an important role, which combined with his skilled work together made the program a great success.（标出来的全是关于你的能力的词语，但是，后面没有紧跟着一两句叙述的话来证明，并且最后是made the program a great success，从前面根本看不出在这个项目里你怎么运用了你的能力让项目取得成功？ 而且，made the program a great success，容易给人留下你是项目带头人或者是攻坚标兵的印象，如果你的和不能很好的配合着相互印证的话，这句话是很虚假的。）- K4 4 X( x5 K3 X0 r: n i_# A1 Y8 l/ as6 YFrom my experience of personal contact with Mr. Liu in the past 4 years, I do find him an excellent student having strong academic ability, hard-working habit and nice personality. Mr. Liu is really a very outstanding and trustful student with very promising potentials of doing creative research. Therefore, I enthusiastically recommend him to your graduate program and I would be much obliged to you if you could give his application a most favorable consideration. Should have any questions please contact me.6 E; H) q0 a4 _) z5 ; m3 e0 g. D! S3 W# pYours sincerely，! U; R, Ua2 n7 N/ H# Z xxxxx (Cheung Kong Scholars)* N h) p7 qProfessor and Chair, Department of Automation and Material Processing; E0 O- T* k) 1 KSchool of Material Science & Engineering4 1 x* m9 j) 1 E& I5 g. IxxxxxUniversity (formerly Beijing University of Aeronautics and Astronautics)2 U* Q. N2 ?/ m6 B4 y2 ?Beijing 100083, China如果你不想和前一封推荐信的风格重复的话，加上因为Chair的地位，可以适当高屋建瓴的描述你的性格（From my experience of personal contact with Mr. Liu ）和能力，但是就不能用那么多很具体的赞美词语了6 k9 Y! d( B4 r4 v+ H& mTo Whom It May Concern:q7 1 . - X7 6 F6 G8 m: S, I/ k9 d$ k$ HHaving had the privilege of working with Mr. - on a number of his Cross-Cultural and English language events, I am confident he will prove a great asset to any institution he joins in the future. More specifically, his abilities to organize and manage the often scarce resources at his disposal, and in a limited amount of time, I found particularly admirable.(前面应该还有一段吧?不过这一段写得很地道,自己写的么?很不错吖.)2 _* z; 9 T3 K9 e& k& Q; t) E0 NMr. - also carries a very kind and amiable air that always makes him an approachable figure in the University. His work at Zhejiang Wanli Universitys made their English Corner a popular and exciting event, bringing students and teachers together in the spirit of fun and cultural exchange. But Mr. . has also been involved in other, larger projects, such as the Top 10 competition, which offered a great contribution to the esteem and educational eminence of the University.(叙述成就以后还可以再以不同的语言赞美一下你的能力,什么良好的组织和协调能力得到了充分的体现之类的话,形成首尾呼应.) The enthusiasm and amiability Mr. - possesses will see him, Im sure, reach great climbs in either education or industry.: 外教写的么?用语很地道的不过首尾2段没有贴出来吧?:Please comment below (not exceeding 300 words) explaining what difference receiving this scholarship would make to your life and why you wish to pursue your studies at the University of Edinburgh.: i/ _6 _1 h/ c; j2 ya5 L+ w+ F rDuring my two years career in IBM Research, I got chance to worked with lots of excellent scientists. The more I learn from them, the more I feel the need to continue my study for perfecting discipline as a researcher. A voice deep inside me keeps reminding me that it is time to pursue my advanced education, to broaden my eye reach, and to further my ambitions. Therefore, I start to seek for a place that performs world-class research and could extend my research interests. 2 K$ _) W9 c! R. r/ O1 No s) z! 6 w+ wEdinburghs long and distinguished history, broad range of subjects in informatics, favorable academic environment and excellent faculty are the reasons attracting me. One of the research topics attracts me the most is the compiler techniques for multi-core processors. When I talked with research members in U.K., they highly recommended Edinburgh to me and said that research group here conducts very good research on this topic. It would be an amazing experience to come to Edinburgh and study in an outstanding research institution with an exciting topic., d- ) V+ F+ w& e % B$ v 2 X* L8 h$ I) $ D（写得很好啦，但是有个问题，感觉上第一段和第二段各自独立了，没有把自己在的经历与自己申请的专业结合起来叙述吖。） d s# k& + T! i/ q/ v& , 3 FM8 X5 GHowever, living in a developing country, my family and I cannot save any money until recent 2 years, after my graduate. By now, our savings are far from supporting my tuition and living expenses in U. K. A scholarship will help me remove the stress to finance the PhD program and will allow me to concentrate on my study. Moreover, as a research oriented student, I will have more time to participate in academic activities, which I consider as essential for realizing my academic potential and to help me to set up close relationship with the academic community, with support of this scholarship. I certainly believe that this scholarship will relieve the burden on my family and will help me to turn my dream, to become a scientist, into reality.+ L# H8 E( V v& o% y7 b, O: 感觉最后一段不是很好吖，只是说自己没钱不行啊，关键是要让教授觉得奖学金给你是值得的吖，你的过去的经历你的各种能力一定会使你在研究领域更出色，在这一点上着墨重一些比较好。23rd January, 2007( Q& Q) Y9 ; F5 A7 8 LDear Sir or Madam,$ G0 c* 6 W q) u; t8 O% O7 gAs being the Regional Financial Controller of McQuay China, I would like to furnish a reference letter to recommend Mr. Wang Zhen a candidacy place in your esteemed postgraduate program. $ H ? l$ l3 v0 c, Q& dMcQuay is a USD1.4B business manufacturing central air conditioners with worldwide establishment since 1872. Mr. Wang has worked in the finance department of our Shenzhen factory as intern in the summer of 2005 and 2006. He showed us with high degree of dedication towards his profession and could always fulfill his tasks on time. Besides, Mr. Wang has tried all possible chance to spell his idea on work flow improvement based on what he has learned from school. By my observation, Mr. Wang is a confident young man and been able to handle problem very independently. Without much supervision, he organized his work in a well systematic manner. One could see him a good team player